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‘The One with the Soap Opera Party’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Soap Opera Party

920. The One with the Soap Opera Party

Aired April 24, 2003

Joey hosts a party for his soap opera co-stars and tries to keep it from his friends. Meanwhile, Ross is delighted to meet a stunning paleontology professor.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Listen, you know what, I'm not feeling really well and I don't think I'm gonna get to go to the play.
Ross: Really? What's wrong?
Rachel: I don't know. I think it's kind of serious. You know, I was watching this thing on TV this morning about Newcastle disease, and I think I might have it.
Charlie: Newcastle disease is a secretion-borne virus that only affects chickens and other poultry.
Rachel: Okay, who's this?
Ross: I'm sorry. Rachel, this is Charlie Wheeler. She's a colleague.
Rachel: Oh, hi. Well, I would shake your hand but I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease.

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Quote from Monica

Monica: Is he gonna introduce us?
Chandler: I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.
Charlie: By the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Ross: Oh. I wrote that in one night.
Monica: Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today.
Chandler: Yes, but, Ross, you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.

Quote from Gunther

Charlie: Excuse me. I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
Gunther: No.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Well, we should probably get going. We've got a lot of ground to cover.
Charlie: Isn't another professor supposed to come with us?
Ross: I don't think so.
Charlie: I'm pretty sure. A Professor Spafford from Cornell?
Ross: Well, he's obviously late, and the rule in my class is: If you can't come on time, then don't come at all. An option that many of my students use.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: You are having a party tonight?
Joey: I'm kind of having a thing for the "Days of Our Lives" people.
Rachel: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you think you'd get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do that every year?
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that. God, I'm stupider than Jan Rogers!

Quote from Ross

Charlie: Let's ditch him.
Ross: What?
Charlie: Come on. While he's still in the bathroom. I am begging you.
Ross: Okay. Okay, fine, but I just have one question for you. When we exit, should we walk or run or prance or stroll?
Charlie: Stop it! Stop it! He talks slow, but he might pee fast. Okay, let's move.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Oh, hey, you guys, this is Charlie. Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
Charlie: Hi.
Ross: Yeah, Charlie is going to be joining my department.
Phoebe: Oh. You're a paleontologist too?
Charlie: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Now, what do you think of Renyard's new theory of species variegation in segmented arthropods?
Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas. Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. Excuse me.
Ross: Renyard's theory of species variegation?
Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table. I memorized the title to freak you out.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay. Joey is having a secret "Days of Our Lives" party up on the roof. And he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you.
Monica: What?!
Ross: What? What's going on?
Monica: Joey is having a secret "Days of Our Lives" party up on the roof.
Rachel: And- And he didn't want you guys to know about it, but I came over here to tell you.
Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.
Rachel: All right, professor or detective?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Wait, Joey's having a party, and he wasn't gonna invite us?
Rachel: Yeah. He does it every year. That's why he's sending you to the play. That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory.
Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour?
Ross: No, I arranged that.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Hey, Ross. How's it going with Charlie?
Ross: Oh, great. After I finish my wine I'm gonna blow my average-sized brains out.
Phoebe: What's the matter?
Ross: She only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh, my God, at the Chinese restaurant earlier today I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretended to be a woolly mammoth.
Rachel: I always loved that.
Ross: Of course you would. Your brains are smaller than mine!

Quote from Chandler

Woman on Stage: I bet you're thinking that now would be a great time for an intermission, huh?
Chandler: Oh, yes. God, yes.
Woman on Stage: Well, you're not gonna get one. Because in life, there are no intermissions, people. Now, Chapter 7: Divorce is a Four-Letter Word. How could he leave me?!
Chandler: I don't know. You seem lovely.

Quote from Ross

Joey: Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross.
Ross: Nice to meet you.
Dirk: So, what show are you on?
Ross: Oh, I'm not an actor. I'm a professor of paleontology.
Joey: That's science.
Dirk: Hey, well, listen, I play a scientist on "Days. " Yeah, my character just won a Nobel Prize.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Let me see if I approve of any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug. This guy's Canadian. Oh, and this guy is in a cult, okay? It'll cost you $5000 to get to level three, and I don't feel any different.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: And I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian Era was topnotch.
Ross: Stop going through my stuff!

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: This was a really important experience for me and I wanted to share it with you.
Monica: You're so wonderful.
Woman on Stage: Why Don 't You Like Me? Chapter 1: My First Period.
Chandler: I can't believe you guys bought that. Enjoy your slow death.

Quote from Ross

Professor Spafford: And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a seafood buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams and mussels and oysters and cracked crab and snow crab and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: So where did you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Ross: Oh, it's not over.
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts and cashews and almonds and filberts-
Ross: So basically all nuts.
Professor Spafford: Interestingly, no.
Charlie: You're kind of playing it fast and loose with the word "interesting."
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom.
Charlie: Oh, my God.
Ross: I've lost the will to live.


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