TV Quotes

Joey: Hey. You know how we save all those chopsticks for no reason when we get Chinese food?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Well, now we got a reason.
Chandler: What?
Joey: We're fashioning a very long poking device.

Ross: So you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
Phoebe: Thanks. I have a good one, too. I just can't see him.
Chandler: See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.

Ross: Come on, Pheebs, you didn't kill anybody. These people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's just a coincidence.
Phoebe: Well, tell that to them. Oh, you can't! They're dead!

Rachel: Joey, if you know about this, you have to tell him.
Joey: It'll kill him. I mean, it'll just kill him.
Phoebe: Well, you could wait till I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him.

Ross: Okay, I have a problem. I have to go into work for a few hours. Some kids messed up the Homo sapien display.
Joey: What did they do?
Ross: Well, they painted over the word "sapien," for one thing. Then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.

Rachel: We're okay, aren't we? No, we're not okay. We're not okay. There's a bump. There's a bump.
Monica: What bump? Oh, my God. Well, push it in. Push it in.
Rachel: I cannot push it in.

Monica: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction.
Rachel: That's it.
Monica: I got it. The second Ross walks in, I want you to take him to your bedroom and do whatever you do that makes him go "rheeeee!"

Chandler: Hey, hold on a second. Hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?
Joey: I'd prefer a mountain bike.

Joey: You wanna get her something special? Get her flowers. Get her candy. Get her gum. Girls love gum.
Chandler: That's a good idea. "Dear Janice, have a Hubba-Bubba birthday."

Joey: I'm not wrong. I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now.

Monica: Are you okay?
Rachel: Yeah. You know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.

Janice: How did you know?
Chandler: Joey told me. He saw you two kissing.
Janice: In the park?
Chandler: No. In his office. How many kisses were there?

Janice: I can't breathe. Can you get me a bag or something?
Chandler: Here. Here.
Janice: [spitting up paper] It's the receipt.
Chandler: I'll take it.

Monica: We should call somebody.
Ross: And tell them what? That the naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving?

Rachel: We've got to find out if he's alive.
Monica: Yeah, but how are we gonna do that? There's no way.
Joey: Well, there is one way. His window's open. I say we poke him.

Chandler: What would you do?
Joey: It doesn't matter what I'd do.
Chandler: Come on. Come on. Tell me.
Joey: All right, you probably won't want to hear this. But if it was me, and this is just me, I would bow out.
Chandler: What? What are you talking about?
Joey: They have a kid together, you know? They're, like, a family. And if, I don't know, if there's a chance they can make that work, I know I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way.

Joey: You okay? You wanna come poke a nude guy?

Ross: Well, he's finally asleep. About that bump on his head.
Rachel: Are you sure it's a new bump? No offense, but I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy-headed child.

Rachel: I watched Monica bang his head against that thing.
Ross: Monica did it? Monica, did you notice anything weird about Ben today?
Monica: No, why?
Ross: I was just playing with him, and we were doing the "Alphabet Song", which he used to be good at. But suddenly he's just leaving out "E" and "F." It's like they just, I don't know, fell out of his head.
Monica: Really?
Ross: Oh, and also, he's walking kind of funny. It's like his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg. Yeah, he's in there, just ... [circling around]
Monica: Oh, my God! I wrecked your baby! [checking on Ben]
Rachel: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.
Monica: You jerk!

Ross: [running around the apartment] Monica bang! Monica bang! [Ross hits his head on the wooden beam]
Rachel: I'll get the hat.

Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't want to be the guy that breaks up a family. You know, when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I'd see him, I'd always think, "You're the reason. You are why they're not together." And I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was or how happy he made my dad.

Janice: But before I can say goodbye, there's something I really need you to know. The way I feel about you, it's like I finally understand what Lionel Ritchie's been singing about. You know? I mean, what we have it's like movie love. You're my soul mate. I can't believe we're not gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Chandler: Then don't leave me.
Janice: What?
Chandler: Forget what I said. I was babbling. Pick me.
Janice: No, you were right. I gotta give my marriage another chance.
Chandler: No, you don't. No, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.

Chandler: You can't leave. I have your shoe.
Janice: Goodbye, Chandler Bing.

Ross: Can we please focus here? A naked man's life hangs in the balance.

Phoebe: I'm telling you, he's dead. What we're about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.

Janice: Sweetie, you should not have to settle for just half my heart.
Chandler: I'll settle for half your heart! I'll settle for a quarter of your heart! I will settle for a little, tiny ventricle.

Phoebe: My God, I killed another one. The curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

Joey: Okay, now, remember, something this big and long will be very difficult to maneuver. Fortunately, I have a lot of experience in that area.

Ross: Why can't you go to him?
Phoebe: Because every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.
Chandler: That's so weird. Because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse.

Joey: Ew. Ugly Naked Guy's using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doh fat factory.