TV Quotes

Ross: Boy, I'm getting hungry. Hey, Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when the girl goes to the bathroom, you eat some of her food?
Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.

Joey: So, Ross, now why did that first marriage break up? Hmm? Was it because the woman was straight or because she was a lesbian?

Chandler: So did you book them? Did you call?
Monica: I will.
Chandler: Do you want me to call?
Monica: I'll do it. You stick to your job.
Phoebe: What is your job?
Chandler: Staying out of the way.

Joey: This is impossible, Monica. Why don't you just pick all 15?
Monica: There were only 12.
Joey: Oh, yeah, I added 3.
Monica: What are "peanut-butter fingers"?
[Joey mimes sticking two fingers into a jar of peanut butter and licking it off]

Ross: So hi, I'm Ross, and this is my friend, Chandler.
Kristen: I'm Kristen.
Ross: Kristen. Hi. Are you new to the area? Because if you are, I'd love to show you around sometime.
Kristen: I actually just moved from four blocks over.
Ross: Oh.
Kristen: But this block is like a whole another world.
Ross: Actually, it does have a very interesting history. This street is the first in the city to have an underground sewer system. Before that, sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Sometimes ankle-deep.
Chandler: Smooth.

Megan: Thanks for the tip.
Monica: So when are you getting married?
Megan: Oh, I'm not. I just like to try them on.
Rachel: I do the same thing.
Megan: I'm just kidding. I'm getting married July 25th.
Rachel: I'm just kidding too. I'm getting married in December.

Megan: You're lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band, Carcass.
Phoebe: Ooh. Is that spelled with a "C" or a "K"? Oh, my God, it doesn't matter, they're both great.

Rachel: Oh, you know what, don't buy that here. Now that you know what you want, you should go to Kleinman's and you can get it half off. This place is so overpriced.
Woman: I own this store.
Rachel: So does this come in another color, or...

Joey: Listen, let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop or you could wake up with your shoes gone.

Monica: This is it. This is the dress. It's perfect. I'm sorry, this one's taken. Whoa. Megan.
Megan: Monica.
Monica: You came.
Megan: Yeah.
Monica: This is my dress.
Megan: No.
Monica: You saw me wearing it.
Megan: And now you'll see me buying it.
Monica: You freak! You wouldn't even have known about this place if it wasn't for me.
Megan: Look, you don't want to fight me.
Monica: Maybe I do. I'm pretty feisty.

Chandler: So, Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?

Ross: Well, only one of us can keep dating her.
Joey: Obviously. So how do we decide?
Ross: Well, now, let's look at this objectively. I think I should date her.
Joey: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or I'm the one who dates her.
Ross: That's interesting. But check this out. I date her.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, I like that. But just to go in another direction-
Ross: Okay. Okay. This can go on for a while.
Joey: Yeah, well we should order some food then.

Ross: Maybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the street.
Joey: Hey, wait a second, now. We're going to have to set a spending limit on the date. I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
Ross: Well, sorry. That's what I do on dates.
Joey: All right. Well, I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates.
Ross: So let's decide on a spending limit.

Joey: [murmuring] And a slice six dollars?
Ross: I was thinking more like 100.
Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?

Monica: Hello? What? You what? Hey, you listen here, missy!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: That was that girl, Megan. She booked The Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said she wouldn't give them back unless I give her the dress.
Phoebe: [gasps] Does that mean Carcass is available?

Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again.

Chandler: What are you guys talking about?
Monica: We were just talking about The Swing Kings and whether they're the right way to go.
Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and two months later the couple divorced. I'm not saying there's any connection here, you know, but they tell me that's why they got divorced.

Chandler: But I love swing music.
Phoebe: Yeah, but The Swing Kings? You know, they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts. They just stop living.

Chandler: When Monica and I went to see them, we had fun. And there's another reason.
Rachel: Well, what is the other reason?
Chandler: I don't want to say.
Rachel: Well, you have to, because maybe it's stupid.

Chandler: It's just, while Monica and I were dancing to them it was the first time I knew that you were the woman that I wanted to dance all my dances with.
Monica: Oh, crap.

Joey: Kristen?
Kristen: Joey! Hi.
Joey: Hi.
Kristen: What are you doing here?
Joey: Oh, well, I like this place. And technically, technically, I'm not breaking any rules, so...
Kristen: Well, Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.
Joey: Hi.
Ross: Hi. It's nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don't anymore.

Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes, so-
Joey: Sure. I would love to wait with you guys. Thanks.
Ross: So, Joey, you look familiar. Are you on TV or something?
Kristen: Well, Joey doesn't like to talk about it but he's one of the stars of Days of Our Lives.
Ross: That's right. That's right. Don't you play a woman?
Joey: A woman in a man's body.
Ross: Much better.

Joey: So, you know, Ross, it's funny, because you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?
Ross: Why yes. Yes, I have. In fact, just the other day Kris and I were talking about how I've been married and how I have a son.
Kristen: Yeah. Little Eric.
Ross: That's right. Wait. No, Ben.
Joey: So you've just been married the one time then?
Ross: Well, um...
Kristen: You've been married twice?
Ross: Yes. And another time after that.

Kristen: Do you two know each other?
Ross: No.
Joey: But it just seems like Ross is the kind of guy who would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.

Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed with a monkey?
Ross: Hey, you leave Marcel out of this!

Joey: Where do you think we lost her?
Ross: Probably around gonorrhea.

Chandler: You got a wedding dress?
Monica: Yeah, but I'm not keeping it.
Chandler: Then why can't I see it?
Monica: Oh. I guess you can. But I have to return it, so you can't like it.
Chandler: Okay, I promise. I'll hate it. Wow. You look hideous.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. That's like the most ugliest dress I've ever seen. Why do you have to return it?
Monica: Oh, because it doesn't really fit. Oh, by the way, I booked The Swing Kings.
Chandler: Oh, that's great. Great. Thanks. But that dress is, like, yuck. It's terrible. It makes me want to just rip it off you.
Monica: Okay. But you can't rip it. Well, maybe a little.