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‘The One with the List’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Friends: The One with the List

208. The One with the List

Aired November 16, 1995

Now that Ross and Rachel know how they feel about each other, Ross must decide whether to be with Rachel or stay with Julie. At Chandler's suggestion, Ross compiles a list of the Pros and Cons for both of them. Meanwhile, Monica gets a job devising recipes for a chocolate substitute called Mockolate.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay. This is a song about a love triangle between three people I made up. It's called "Two of Them Kissed Last Night."
[playing her guitar and singing] There was a girl, We'll call her Betty, And a guy, Let's call him Neil, Now I can't stress, This point too strongly, This story isn't real.
Now our Neil must decide, Who will be the girl that he casts aside, Will Betty be the one who he loves truly, Or will it be the one who we'll call Loolie.
He must decide, He must decide, Even though I made him up, He must decide.

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Quote from Monica

Monica: Mr. Rastatter, what does this job entail? The ad wasn't clear.
Mr. Rastatter: Mockolate.
Monica: I'm sorry?
Mr. Rastatter: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.
Monica: Ooh.
Mr. Rastatter: Well, go ahead, try a piece. Yeah, we think Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
Monica: All right. Mmm.
Mr. Rastatter: Yeah?
Monica: I love how it crumbles. You see, chocolate doesn't do that?
Mr. Rastatter: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our FDA approval any day now. [fingers crossed] Hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates your major food-preparation holidays. Easter, Christmas, what have you. But, we're thinking, given the right marketing we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
Monica: Wow.
Mr. Rastatter: Aren't you gonna swallow that?
Monica: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
Mr. Rastatter: Yeah, isn't that great? Well, anyhoo, we're looking for a couple of chefs who can create Thanksgiving recipes. You think you might be interested?
Monica: Abso-[swallowing]-lutely! See, I love creating recipes, I love Thanksgiving, and now I love Mockolate.
Mr. Rastatter: Really?
Monica: Especially that aftertaste. I tell you that'll last you till Christmas.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem unusual. Like these coconut Mockolate holiday nut bars? I've indicated four cups of coconut and four cups of crushed nuts and only one tablespoon of Mockolate.
Mr. Rastatter: Doesn't matter.
Monica: What?
Mr. Rastatter: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.
Monica: Gosh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Rastatter: Yeah. Hell, anyhoo, here's your check. Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
Monica: Well, I ate some.
Mr. Rastatter: Oh, some. That's fine. Some is not a lot. So it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

Quote from Monica

Mr. Rastatter: Thanks for coming in again.
Monica: Not at all. I have no morals, and I need the cash.
Mr. Rastatter: It's like I'm looking in a mirror. Anyway, they're called Fish-tachios. They taste exactly like pistachios but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. [opens a jar]
Monica: All right.
Mr. Rastatter:You're not allergic to anything?
Monica: Cat hair.
Mr. Rastatter: Oh, sorry. [closes the jar]

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500MB hard drive, built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.
Phoebe: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
Chandler: Games and stuff.

Quote from Joey

Monica: There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
Joey: Oh, wait, here's one.Would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked and then-

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler: I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy, my wallet's too small for my 50s and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: We'll make a list. "Rachel and Julie: Pros and Cons." We'll put their names in bold with different fonts and I can use different colors for each column.
Ross: Can't we just use a pen?
Chandler: No, Amish boy.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Oh, my God!
Monica: "Oh, my God" good?
Rachel: Oh, my God! I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
Phoebe: Oh, sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Let's get some perspective here. These things happen for a reason.
Monica: Yeah. You!
Chandler: All right, Pheebs, back me up. You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
Phoebe: By the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: You know what? If things were the other way around, there is nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.
Rachel: Well, then I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this kind of situation before you can talk again. [Ross looks at Joey] Maybe a little longer.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighing me down.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Ross kissed me.
Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Rachel: It was unbelievable!
Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Phoebe: Okay, we want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
Rachel: Oh, it ended very well.
Monica: Do not start without me. Do not start without me.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.
Ross: Yeah, it was. But I get home and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table and I think, "Oh my God! What am I doing?" Here I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman who I care about and who cares about me and I'm, like, what am I just going to throw all that away?
Joey: You got all that from saline solution?

Quote from Monica

Monica: How about Mockolate mousse?
Phoebe: It's not very Thanksgiving-y.
Monica: How about Pilgrim Mockolate mousse?
Phoebe: What makes it Pilgrim?
Monica: We'll put buckles on it.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's gonna be all: [high-pitched voice] "Hi, I'm Julie. Ross picked me. And we're gonna get married and have lots of kids and dig up stuff together!"
Phoebe: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Let's start with the cons because they're more fun. Rachel first.
Ross: I don't know. I mean. All right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
Joey: You could say that.
Ross: I guess, sometimes she's a little ditzy, you know? And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I have a lot in common because we're both paleontologists, right? But Rachel's just a waitress.
Chandler: Waitress. Got it. You guys want to play Doom? Or we could keep doing this.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: What else?
Ross: I don't know.
Joey: Oh! Her ankles are a little chubby.
Chandler: Okay, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
Ross: She's not Rachel.

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