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‘The One with Russ’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Russ

210. The One with Russ

Aired January 4, 1996

The guys are freaked out when Rachel starts dating Russ, a man with a striking resemblance to Ross. When Monica gets back together with Fun Bobby, she is alarmed that all his joviality seems to come from a bottle. Meanwhile, Joey gets an audition for Days of Our Lives.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.

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Quote from Estelle

Estelle: Well, there's my favorite client. So, tell me, darling, how was the audition?
Joey: Well, I think it went pretty well. I got a callback for Thursday.
Estelle: Joey. Have you ever seen me ecstatic?
Joey: No.
Estelle: Well, here it is.

Quote from Ross

Ross: She's dating? She's dating.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, but did you see who she was dating?
Ross: What do you mean?
Monica: Do you not see it?
Ross: See what? I don't know what she sees in, in that goober. And it- And it takes him, what? Like, like, I don't know, uh, uh, hello, a week, to get out a sentence?
Chandler: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
Ross: [stammering] Yeah.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Joey, would you slow down? They're not going to be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.
Joey: I'm excited. I've never gotten reviewed before.
Monica: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.
Phoebe: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time.
Yeah, 'cause when you sat down on your throne, you could kind of see your royal subjects.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Here it is, here it is! "The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king."
Chandler: Okay, look, that is one guy's opinion. All right? Pheebs, read yours.
Phoebe: Okay. "The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction"-
Chandler: Does anybody have one from a different paper?

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Ross, read yours. I don't want to.
Rachel: Oh! Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's got to be a reason.
Ross: Oh, come on, man, you're just, uh, paying your dues. No, no, no. It's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Ross: What? That's crazy.
[ALL PROTESTING]
Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of"- Continued on page 153 - "Sucking."

Quote from Joey

Joey: When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys.
Monica: Really? I only had two glasses.
Joey: I just had a glass.
Phoebe: Two.
Rachel: I had one glass.
Chandler: I had about a mugful in this lovely "I got boned at the Museum of Natural History" mug.

Quote from Monica

Joey: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?
Monica: Well, we just happen to go to a lot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or to a club, or to the ... zoo?

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Rach, does this have non-fat milk?
Rachel: Umm, I don't know. Why don't you taste it?
Monica: Mmm, no.
Rachel: Oh, well, too late, sorry. You already had some.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Guess who's back in show business.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Lorne Greene?
Chandler: No, no, Pheebs. You know why? 'Cause he's dead.
Phoebe: Oh, no.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Chandler: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together, and then one of us could get amnesia.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.
Russ: [sullenly] Hi.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Hi, Russ. I've just got two more tables to clean, and then we'll go, okay?
Russ: Okay. I'll just sit here and, uh, chat with your, uh, friend-type people.
Phoebe: Rachel? Um, hi.
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Okay. So you know what you're doing, right?
Rachel: Ha, ha. Waitressing?
Phoebe: Well, yeah. But no. I mean, um, okay. Doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?
Rachel: Huh, Bob Saget?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
Russ: Hi.
Ross: Hi.
Russ: Are you a friend of Rachel's?
Ross: Yes. Yes, I am. Are you a friend of Rachel's?
Russ: Actually, I'm, uh, kind of a, you know, date type thing of Rachel's.

Quote from Monica

Russ: Ah, you are the, uh, paleontologist.
Ross: Yes. Yes, I am. And you are a-
Russ: Periodontist.
Monica: See? Now they're as different as night and later that night.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Well, I am going to, uh get a beverage. Heh. Uh, it was nice, uh, meeting you.
Russ: Ditto.
Ross: I, uh, well I met Russ. Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
Rachel: Well, we're not seeing each other, so-
Ross: Huh. Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other, uh, "winged things" who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me, much like a well, you know. Ahem. Well, so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal-
Rachel: Well, yeah, this is the deal.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Well, I guess I could sleep with her - I mean, how could I do that?
Chandler: Well, I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I needed to know.

Quote from Monica

Fun Bobby: So the light went out in my refrigerator-
Monica: I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Want to do another one? Huh, Russ? Okay, eleven letters. "Atomic element number 101," ends in "ium."
Russ: Dysprosium.
Ross: Ha, ha. Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.
Chandler: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, "Knights in White Satin" was sung by the Doody Blues.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Okay, honey, you're dating Ross.
Rachel: No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ.
Phoebe: Russ is Ross. Russ, Ross.
Rachel: Steve, Sleeve.
Phoebe: Okay, no one is named Sleeve.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
Ross: For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
Russ: You could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful.

Quote from Ross

Russ: I know what your problem is.
Ross: Oh, you do, do you?
Russ: Mm-hm. You're jealous.
Ross: Uh, of - Of what?
Russ: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
Ross: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like, day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.

Quote from Phoebe

Russ: Hi.
Chandler: Oh, hey.
Phoebe: Hi.
Russ: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Russ: All she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?
[Chandler shakes his head]
Phoebe: Oh, I do. It's it's Bob Saget. She hates him.

Quote from Estelle

Joey: Okay. Uh, listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady-
Estelle: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, she's great, but I kind of got the feeling that she was sort of coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would have, you know ... if I would have sent the Little General in.
Estelle: Oh. I see. Well, I'm just going to put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [on the phone] Yeah, hi. Lori, please. Hi, darling. So, how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver? Isn't he terrific? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, doll, I'll talk to you later. [to Joey] Yeah, you're going to have to sleep with her.


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