Frasier: I'm only sorry you couldn't join us for dinner afterwards. Le Cochon Noir gave us a late seating for a fabulous dinner.
Niles: It was an exquisite meal, marred only by the lack of even one outstanding cognac on their carte des digestifs.
Frasier: Yes, but think of it this way, Niles. What is the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night.
Niles: Ah, quite right. To impossible standards.

Niles: Well, you ready for our boys night out at Le Cochon Noir?
Frasier: Yes. But Niles, I've been wondering: Would you mind if I asked Dad to join us?
Niles: Remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star restaurant? He had a miserable time. The restaurant lost a whole star.

Frasier: Oh, look, there's a peanut guy! [calling out] Peanuts!
[A bag of peanuts is thrown and lands in Niles' lap]
Niles: How dare you!?
[Niles throws the bag back at the vendor]
Frasier: Niles!
[The vendor throws the bag back to Niles]
Niles: Stop it!
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: That hooligan is pelting me with peanuts! From the look of that tray - Ow! - he's come prepared.
Frasier: Stop it! That is for me.

Frasier: Yes, it's just I'm trying desperately to come up with some way to get him out of the house. He's off on one of his "Weeping Lotus" binges again.
Niles: We've tried distracting him before. We've taken him everywhere from the arboretum to the zen garden. Wait a minute. The zen garden is at the arboretum. Good Lord, is it possible we've only taken him one place?

Daphne: How was your dinner?
Niles: It was fine, except for one small flaw.
Daphne: Oh, just the way you like it.

Martin: You know, I was a cop for thirty years and it took my son with his Ph.D. mind to crack this baby.
Daphne: Of course, I was standing next to him at the time.
Frank: So, tell us about it, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, no. [Everyone encourages Frasier] Well, all right. I hate to toot my own horn, but, if it will make Dad happy. I suppose it was my expertise in human behavior, combined with a lifelong enthusiasm for the Rwandan lowland gorilla that first set me thinking about the monkey.
Frank: I'm not sure I'm following you.
Frasier: Well, I'm going too fast, I'll go slower. The key was when I figured out if Brisbane could teach a monkey to impersonate George Washington, then surely he could teach a monkey to cock a revolver, sneak up a fire escape, lie in wait for Helen, pump her full of lead and then make his getaway, perhaps even still wearing the revolutionary war regalia in order to confuse any chance witnesses. In fact - Oh, and this is way out there - but jeez, maybe you should check to see if there were any local bank robberies at the time that were committed by a short, hairy man wearing a powdered wig.
Martin: You think the monkey was the killer?
Daphne: When I said I was standing next to him, I was really most of the way across the room.

Frasier: This is ridiculous. It's a beautiful night and I'm not going to miss it. I'm going to go out and take a long walk and I'm not going by myself.
[Eddie runs out with his leash]
Martin: He likes the rhododendrons on the north side of the park.

Bulldog: Hey, how's this sound, hardbody: You, me, Sonics, Nicks, tonight.
Roz: Sorry Bulldog, but I'm already going. I have season tickets.
Bulldog: Oh, we can still get together afterwards.
Roz: Only if I smash into your car in the parking lot.

Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, oh, Bulldog, have you met my brother Niles? Niles, this is Bulldog Briscoe.
Niles: Oh, oh, oh. Just the man I want to talk to. As a sports expert I'm sure you can tell me why none of the local media carry the Ivy League squash standings.
Bulldog: [laughing] Whoa! Another one just like you. Some gypsy put a curse on your family? Well, I gotta run.
See you later, Miles.
Niles: It's, it's Niles.
Bulldog: Like it matters.

Sports Fan: Boy, the traffic tonight is murder. [to Niles] Hey pal, what's the score?
Niles: West Side Story.