Frasier: Well, as we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit. Although, Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you, and how you got mugged on your way home from the soup kitchen. Roz, who's next?
Roz: We have Don on line five, he wants to tell us about the time he was filled with the Christmas spirit.
Frasier: It's about time. Hello, Don.
Don: "Hello, Dr. Crane. Something happened to me yesterday that kind of sums up why we call this the season of giving."
Frasier: Well then, swaddle me in Christmas cheer.
Don: "Okay. Well, you see, I was driving home from the gym, and I suddenly realized I had left my favorite old pair of sneakers on the roof of the car. So, I look back and there's this homeless guy, and he'd already picked them up, and he's putting 'em on. So I just thought, what the hell, and kept on driving."
Frasier: So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hand? Well, Roz, this is special, I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line!

Tim: How you doin'?
Frasier: Okay.
Tim: Are you havin' a merry Christmas?
Frasier: Well, now that you ask, no I'm not. Can't be with my son, had a terrible argument over something stupid with my father. That's why I'm alone. How about you?
Tim: Pretty good, actually. Just yesterday, I was crossing the street, and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off the back of the car, and landed on my feet!
Frasier: Merry Christmas.

Frasier: Ah, excuse me miss, something rather embarrassing has just happened. I seem to have lost my wallet.
Waitress: You mean you can't pay!
Frasier: Oh no, I can pay, I can pay, I must have just left it at the office.
Waitress: Uh-huh.
Frasier: Well, I can just go back there and get it.
Waitress: Mmm.
Tim: Hey, Lou. It's all right. This one's on me.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand. You see, I-
Tim: It's okay, buddy, we've all been there.
Frasier: Yes, but you see, I really did misplace my wallet.
Tim: I know you did, and Bill here misplaced his Wall Street portfolio.

Frasier: Oh, Roz. I didn't realize when I volunteered to work on Christmas that I would ruin your plans for the day, I- Please don't be mad.
Roz: Mad? What for? My mother just flew all the way in from Wisconsin to be here with me for the day. But instead I'm back in this stinking hellhole on Christmas Day, when only the loneliest and most depressed people on the planet would ever call in. But, look how nice you made yourself look for me!

Tom: "It still traumatizes me, Dr. Crane. I wake up nights, and I remember that Christmas morning I walked into my mother's bedroom, tears running down my face, and I said, 'Mommy, Mommy. The puppy Santa gave me won't wake up.'"
Frasier: Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard today. Happy holidays.

Frasier: Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you the very, very best of holidays. Like many of you, I'll be spending the time in the loving embrace of my family, which should give us all plenty to talk about in the new year.

Bulldog: Listen doc. I'm scheduled to do the noon-to-four on Christmas.
Frasier: No.
Bulldog: But doc, my whole family's getting together in Chicago for the first time in five years.
Frasier: I am touched, and I don't care.
Bulldog: But my-my-my sister and her new baby-
Frasier: Listen, Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying in tomorrow afternoon to spend the holidays with me. Now, I've never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was ... well, your size.

Bonnie Weems: Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes?
Bonnie Weems: I'm Bonnie Weems.
Frasier: Well, hello. It's a, uh, a pleasure to meet you. I'll be driving you home tonight.
Bonnie Weems: I'm sorry to put you out.
Frasier: Oh, it's no problem at all. Tell you what, you just go enjoy the party. You let me know when you're ready to go.
Bonnie Weems: [downs her shot in one] I'm ready now, baby.
[Bonnie picks up Frasier, puts him over her shoulders and carries him out]

Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. Merry Christmas. To what do I owe this occasion?
Niles: Oh, nothing. Just stopped by to get an opinion on a gift I was considering for Maris.
[Daphne enters wearing a black cocktail dress]
Daphne: Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge. [twirls] Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Daphne.
Daphne: [to Niles] Shall I put the little red one back on so you can make your choice?
Frasier: I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you.

Martin: Hey, Frasier. Where've you been?
Frasier: Well, after the Christmas party I poured a colleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver, dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime, then went on to do a little bit of last minute Christmas shopping.