TV Quotes

Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Roz: I thought your father was in charge of Christmas decorations.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, not this year. We're doing it my way. That's why I'm ordering a tasteful tree here. They'll even deliver it on Christmas Eve, fully decorated.
Roz: Gee, that'll be fun for Freddie.
Frasier: Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
Roz: He's spending Christmas with dried-up old bones?
Frasier: [laughs] I thought I told you, she's taking him on an archaeological tour.

Martin: Oh, that's it. I know I should have stocked my old Ballantines as soon as they stopped making it. Now, I can't find a single can. Christmas is ruined.
Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr. Crane.
Niles: Yeah. And this year's extra special because Daphne and I are together.
Martin: Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith... maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

Santa: Do you think that Dr. Mary could help Santa to cheer up his elves?
Mary: Why don't you give them some candy?
Santa: That's a great idea.
Frasier: No, that's a terrible idea. Your elves are probably suffering from seasonal-affective disorder. Now, loading them up with sweets will only aggravate the problem!
Santa: Kids love candy.
Frasier: Elves are not kids, they're tiny men.

Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!