Niles: Oh, Frasier, I'm not surprised he's hiding behind lawyers. What other behavior would you expect... from a chicken?
Harvey: What did you say?
Niles: I was speaking to my brother. [stands] But, to put it in language you can understand, [clucking].
Frasier: Nile. This is no time for you to assert yourself.
Harvey: Hey, your brother's making trouble here...
Niles: Oh, oh, oh. What are you gonna do? Flap me with one of your big fluffy wings?
Frasier: Niles, stop it. Please excuse him.
Niles: Oh, for god's sake, Frasier don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy!

Niles: I know exactly how you feel. This morning, I discovered a ding in the door of my car.
Frasier: Let me guess. No note on the windshield?
Niles: No. And even worse, after I'd left the car off at the body shop, the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left. They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a Hunchback.
Frasier: No. I think that would be a hatchback, Niles.
Niles: It's painted panic-button red, with a large rear window that pops open.
Frasier: Oh, that would be the hatchback.
Niles: Well, there's a novel idea: name the car after its most hideous feature. I presume it was a toss-up between "Hatchback" and "What's that odor coming from the floor?"

Niles: It made me think just once I'd like to experience what you felt, go nose to nose.
Martin: Oh, your day will come, son.
Niles: I don't know. I tried it this morning with my dry cleaner, Mr. Kim. I decided to give him a good tongue-lashing because he'd shattered the mother-of-pearl buttons on my best waistcoat. Unfortunately, due to his tenuous grasp of English and the fact that his mother's name is Pearl, I was forced to flee his establishment amid a shower of coat hangers.

Harvey:You look here, buddy...
[Harvey pokes Niles on the shoulder with his finger. Niles crashes back, spinning around, knocking over two chairs and the coat rack. As he spins away from the door, he falls back on a table and lands on the floor.]
Frasier: Niles! Niles, are you all right?!
Niles: [leaning into Frasier and whispering] Counter suit.
Frasier: Oh, my God! Nobody move him!
Harvey: I barely touched him!
Frasier: Then you admit you touched him! He admits it! [Niles groans]Oh, Niles. Niles, I'm here for you. I promise
we're going to get you the best care that that this man's money can buy! My god, Niles, that was brilliant. You even got a tear in your eye!
Niles: I landed on a fork.

Waiter: Is the owner of a red hatchback here? It's about to be towed.
Frasier: Niles, isn't that your car?
Niles: Shh. Someone will hear you.
Frasier: Niles, it's about to be towed.
Niles: I'm not owning up to that car. I don't care if it's careening toward a baby carriage.

Niles: Ah, there he is, the man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.

Martin: This is my favorite part. "With one swift move the good doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear, declaring, 'What you need is an etiquette lesson.'" I love that. You got your own tough-guy catchphrase!
Niles: It's perfect for you, Frasier. Dirty Harry meets Emily Post.

Frasier: How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?
Daphne: His last album sold five million copies.
Frasier: Oh, well, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.

Niles: Frasier, Frasier, forget it. We'll just- We'll wait for another table.
Frasier: No, we won't. This isn't about the table anymore. This is about the erosion of common decency. Sir, when you treat me this way you encourage me to be discourteous to another. And so on and so on. [the man ignores Frasier] You don't have any manners, do you? Then perhaps what you need is an etiquette lesson!!
[Frasier lifts the man up and drags him out of the store. After Frasier returns:]
Frasier: Sit down, Niles.
Niles: My brother will have a decaf.

Lydia: Well, it started about two weeks ago. I got this terrible obscene phone call. It's happened several times since then and now it's to the point where I'm afraid to answer my own phone.
Roz: Well, obscene phone calls can be very disturbing. But luckily, Dr. Frasier Crane has just arrived and I'm sure he knows exactly what soothing things to say.
[Frasier rushes in, out of breath. He is panting heavily as he sits down near the microphone.]
Lydia: [screams]
Roz: [into microphone] Maybe now would be a good time to take a break. We'll be right back after this.
Frasier: What the hell was that all about?!