Frasier: Amazing! Well, there you have it, Seattle, the miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head-shaving. Well, that's about all the time we have. I'd like to thank my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, for being here today. Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a book, for God's sake. I'm out of here.
Niles: Frasier, I know it's asking a big favor. I mean, I know you're busy. But I just want you to know that all of my life I've dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalog and see my name
under "mental illness".

[Martin is wearing headphones to listen to the TV]
Niles: Very clever solution.
Frasier: Yes. It also has another little feature that I like. Watch this. [to Martin] Hey, Dad! Nice shirt. Did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?
Niles: Hey, Dad. Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. We haven't heard that story this hour.
Frasier: Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember-
Martin: Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.

Frasier: Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a very special guest with me today, my brother, the eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles: Hello, Emerald City! What's doin'? What's happenin'?
Frasier: [off air] What the hell do you think you're doing?
Niles: That was my radio persona. Every great radio personality has one.
Frasier: I don't.
Niles: My point exactly.

Niles: My God, my God. I'm having a flashback: you're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
Frasier: You stole my mommy!

Frasier: Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
Niles: Oh, wonderful, we could use a second sentence.

Niles: Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so easily. It's not your dream, after all. Why should it be, Mr. Bigshot Radio Host?
Frasier: Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about, huh? You're jealous of my celebrity?
Niles: It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just fed up! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around
to doing anything, it's all chewed meat!
Frasier: You're crying about something that we can't change!
Niles: Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!
Frasier: Oh, let it go, Niles!
Niles: I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day. I'm the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association,
my research is well respected in academic circles, four of my patients have been elected to political office,
but it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses!
Frasier: I do not have a fat face!
Niles: Oh, please, I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter!

Frasier: Our topic today is siblings: what makes you love them, what makes you hate them-
Niles: What little things do they do that especially annoy you? These could be things from your childhood or they could things from your adolescence, or they could be things from your young adulthood or they-
Frasier: They could be things that are going on right now!

Niles: The day I could finally feel what you feel - that I'm somebody, not just one more dusty little psychiatrist in a grey pinstripe suit.
Frasier: Oh Niles, I-
Niles: Come on. We haven't collaborated on anything together since we wrote the spring musicale in prep school.
Frasier: Well, it was well received. And it did get us out of gym class.

Martin: But the Sonics are on in twenty minutes.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, I've solved that problem. I've bought you these headphones. Now, here. You see, you'll be able to listen to the TV, without disturbing Niles and me as we work.
Martin: What about Eddie? How's he going to hear?
Frasier: He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.