Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be back tomorrow. One Crane flying solo.

Niles: Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.
Martin: What makes you think I know where he is?
Niles: Tell him, he owes me half this hotel bill. Tell him I'll accept cash but no personal checks, as I know he has trouble writing things.

Frasier: Alright now, Niles, this is no time to procrastinate.
Niles: Okay, here we go. Chapter One. Page One. Paragraph One. I'm indenting.

Martin: Boy, I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys you could throw in there.
Niles: That's an interesting idea, we could use ourselves. It would make a delicious introduction to our book.
Frasier: I like the introduction idea. Dad, okay, give us a story which depicts little Frasier and little Niles at their conflicted best.
Martin: Oh, that would have to be when we went trout fishing up at that lake whats-its-name. Boy, you guys were at it tooth and nail.
Niles: Oh, this is good. This is interesting.
Martin: Now, what was the name of that lake again?
Frasier: Dad. Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.
Martin: Indian word, Lake Whatchahatchi?
Frasier: Dad, you're missing the point here.
Martin: Oh, your mother would know. It's too bad she's dead. Er, whatacouchi, cachawachi. It was an Indian word, it meant "Land of a thousand"- No. This is driving me nuts. I'm going to have to go in there and look it up.
Niles: Dad, we just wanted the story!
Martin: No, it's all right. Where the hell did I put my atlas?

Frasier: Roz, who's our first caller?
Roz: We have Donald from Bainbridge Island. He hasn't spoken to his brother for over twenty years.
Frasier: Hello, Donald.
Niles: I'm listening!
Frasier: We're listening!

Frasier: Put this down. "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest."
Niles: That actually sounded good to me.
Frasier: Well, put that in there.
Niles: [typing] "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest, while still respecting each other's boundaries."
Frasier: What are you doing? What was that crap about boundaries?
Niles: I was just finishing the thought.
Frasier: The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing, for God's sake. Now it's a run-on sentence.
Niles: I think it's much better this way.
Frasier: Well, I don't!
Niles: Well, I'm at the keyboard.
Frasier: All right then, let me type!
Niles: No, I can only write at the keyboard.
Frasier: Niles, you haven't written a thing all day, except to ruin a perfectly good opening sentence.
Niles: I was merely finishing it. It was an incomplete thought.
Frasier: You're an incomplete thought! What happened to the iced tea?
Niles: I finished that, too.

Frasier: Okay, back to case histories. Well, I suppose I could go get my files out of storage after the re- Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?
Niles: You have an idea?
Frasier: No. I'm actually asking you if there's a light bulb over my head!

Daphne: You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Why shouldn't I be?
Martin: Well, it's going to rain again, jobless rate's up, [Frasier bites into a muffin] and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

Martin: I never had a brother, but I had a partner once. He was my first, Mitch Gossett. Big bear of a guy, arms like tree-trunks. Mitch and I would go to ball games together, we'd play cards, and this was after work with eight hours together.
Frasier: Dad, that's all very nice.
Martin: Just listen to me. About three months into our partnership, Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout. Three days in the front seat of a Chevy Nova together. Sleeping sitting up, drinking too much coffee. It didn't take long before we started getting on each other's nerves.
Niles: Because he was a big, egotistical fat-face?
Martin: Because we were human. He didn't like this about me, I didn't like that about him, it got ugly. When the stakeout was over, Goss requested a transfer and that was fine by me. Three months later, he was stabbed after breaking up a bar fight. By the time I got to the hospital, it was too late. Take what you want from this story, guys. All I know is, it ain't worth it.

Martin: What are you crying about?
Daphne: I just keep thinking about poor Goss. It must be so hard on you carrying all that pain around.
Martin: There was no Goss. I just made him up.
Daphne: What?!
Martin: Well, at least there's one good writer in this family.