Martin: You know that guy, Roger, on fourteen, has that little Scottish Terrier?
Frasier: MacDuff?
Martin: Right. Well, Roger's invited all these dogs from the park to a party, for MacDuff's birthday. Except Eddie, thank God. Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?
Frasier: I see. And putting a hat on Eddie, for every major holiday, that's normal?
Martin: Well, it's not every holiday.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, please. He's got a Santa cap for Christmas, he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve, he's got a tam o'shanter for St. Patrick's day...
Martin: Well, they're just hats. I mean, it's not a whole party. I mean, a dog doesn't know it's his birthday any more than he knows it's Friday or Saturday or...
Frasier: Or Cinco de Mayo?
Martin: That sombrero was a gift.

Martin: It's nice you're helping the kid out.
Frasier: Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad, I'm actually... I've made a little agreement with Lana. You see, if I help Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one of her girlfriends, Claire.
Martin: Oh. I remember when you used to tutor kids so they wouldn't beat you up. So I guess this is progress, huh?

Lana: Good. Not bad. So you're one step closer to getting your prom privileges back.
Kirby: Mom, I told you, I'm not going.
Lana: Why not? Because you and Kristi broke up?
Kirby: Thanks for spreading that around, Mom.
Lana: Oh, Frasier doesn't care. He went to the prom with his brother.
Frasier: Thanks for spreading that around.

Roz: Hey, Frasier. I have a work-related proposal I want to run by you.
Frasier: Well, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas. Creative thoughts, outside-the-box thinking, that sort of thing.
Roz: I want Friday the fifteenth off. But be aware, if you say "No," you'll be crushing a dream I've had since college.
Frasier: A three-day weekend, that's quite a dream.
Roz: My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage with him.
Frasier: I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon?
Roz: No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I want to be the first in line.
Frasier: Ah. Well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa," I would have found a polite way to no. But as it is, no.
Roz: I can't believe I didn't just call in sick instead of telling you the truth. I just wasted perfectly good honesty on you.

Daphne: Coffee, Niles?
Niles: Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three shots of espresso.
Daphne: The Defibrillator?
Niles: Yeah, that's the one.

Frasier: Claire, hi. Fancy seeing you here.
Claire: I just came from the opera house. Can you believe Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a subscription.
Frasier: Oh, you know, I could... I could call someone for you.
Claire: Oh, hey, that would be great. And hey, while you're at it, see if you can't find someone who likes sherry. You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much as I do. Of course, I always have trouble finding people who share my interests. I've been trying to convince someone to go to London with me and see the new Tate Gallery and the Old Globe Theater and finally I just gave up and tomorrow I'm going alone for ten days. Life's just too short.
Frasier: Go out with me.

Frasier: The trick to remembering the difference between William Henry Harrison and William Howard Taft is a simple mnemonic device.
Kirby: A what?
Frasier: It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first month, so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly Healthy". And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters f-a-t.
Kirby: So now to remember two things, I have to remember two other things. Plus the first two things. That's four things!

Frasier: Listen, Lana, um... I, I ran into Claire this afternoon, and well, we got to talking, and it seems as though we'll... we're going to be going out together.
Lana: You what? I told you the timing isn't right. You went behind my back.
Frasier: Yes, well you convinced me you held the keys to Claire's kingdom and the truth is, I didn't need the key. When I got there the gates were open, the mat said "Welcome Frasier".
Lana: Oh, if you think you are walking out on Kirby, you can think again.
Frasier: Listen, there is no point in tutoring him if he is not willing to learn!
Claire: [answering machine] Hi, Lana, it's Claire. Listen, Frasier asked me out today and I said yes. He seems very sweet. Of course, he was also a little eager which is always a turn-off. So I might back out, unless you think he's a catch. Do you? Is he? So anyway, I'll be back next week, give me a call, let me know what you think, bye.
Lana: Hmm, what do I think?
Frasier: Perhaps I spoke hastily.

Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
Kirby: [raising a fist] The Boss!
Frasier: No, Bruce Springsteen.

Kirby: You never said there was gonna be pop quizzes.
Frasier: That's the "pop" part.