Martin: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...
Frasier: Dad, you mind? We're trying to work here.
Martin: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to raise Eddie's spirits. Today's that stupid doggy party he wasn't invited to.
Frasier: You still on that?
Martin: Eddie's the heart and soul of that doggy group. He's been going to that park for years. Half of those people wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us. Now, they're down there drinking beer and swapping stories. Look at him, it's just breaking Eddie's heart.

Kirby: So, um, would you order some wine for us?
Roz: No. Let's get something straight. If you get drunk, the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body, the evening is over. Got it?
Kirby: Man, you're like a total prude, huh?
Roz: Yes, I am.

Maitre D': Would any one of you like a drink?
Kirby: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.
Roz: Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it. [to Kirby] Never order for your date, it's cheesy.
[meanwhile:]
Frasier: And the lady will have the filet.

Frasier: Listen, Lana. Lana, wait. You know, maybe I should take the camera to the boy. I mean, seeing you here will only embarrass him.
Lana: Oh please, he's used to that. Besides, the one who should be embarrassed is that boy who's with his mother.

Lana: What do you mean, she's with you?!
Frasier: [to Claire] Will you excuse me a moment?
Kirby: Mom, would you cool out?
Lana: How do you expect me to cool out when you're with... what are you, a hooker?
Roz: What?
Kirby's Friend: You're a hooker?
Roz: No, I'm not.
Frasier: She works for me.
Kirby's Friend: You're her pimp?

Frasier: All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before your mother gets here. One last question. In our studies this week, what did we learn about William Henry Harrison?
Kirby: Well, I guess I would say that this week we learned that William Henry Harrison was... a great man... who was important ...because he was...
Frasier: President?
Kirby: No. Yes! Yes.
Frasier: Good, good. And which president was he?
Kirby: Of the United States.
Frasier: I mean which number? All right, here's a hint. He was elected in 1840.
Kirby: Eighteen.
Frasier: No.
Kirby: Fortieth?
Frasier: Kirby. Did you do any reading this week?
Kirby: Sort of.
Frasier: What does "sort of" mean?
Kirby: No.

Frasier: Oh, yes, we're making excellent progress.
Lana: Really? So, what did you learn today?
Kirby: Uh, well, today I learned about William Henry Harrison, who was our... [Frasier holds up nine fingers] ...uh, ninth president. [Frasier gives Kirby a thumbs up] I mean tenth. [Frasier waves.] I mean ninth.

Lana: What did you want to talk about?
Frasier: Well, actually, I was wondering if you'd had a chance to speak with Claire yet, seeing as how Kirby may be getting a passing grade.
Lana: Actually, I saw Claire yesterday.
Frasier: Oh, you did. Oh, that's wonderful news. Listen, I've been thinking about our first date. I thought perhaps tapas. Now, I know that sounds a little whimsical, but hear me out on this.

Lana: Frasier, Frasier, look, all I did was mention you were tutoring Kirby. But she was very impressed.
Frasier: But you were supposed to set us up. We have a deal.
Lana: I'm phasing you in slowly. Look, she just broke up with Neil because he was rushing things. Trust me, if you don't time his right you're going to blow it.
Frasier: All right, there's no need to explain it to me. If anyone understands the value of restraint and taking things slowly, it is yours truly.
Lana: Frasier, as I recall, on our first date, you got me up to your apartment on false pretenses, you plied me with wine, got me into bed and then tried to weasel out of ever seeing me again. [leaves]
Frasier: [opening the door] I think "plied" is a bit strong!

Frasier: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?
Niles: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...
Frasier: Stop the simile. No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later.
Niles: I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate jughead.