‘Traffic School’
Season 2, Episode 21 - Aired April 20, 1998
When Robert practices his traffic school lesson on his family, he introduces a ventriloquist dummy, Traffic Cop Timmy, who voices some of Robert's lingering resentments.
Quote from Ray
Debra: Let's hear about your little offense.
Ray: What? It was nothing. I ran over one of those orange cones, that's all.
Frank: Tell her why.
Ray: I don't remember, Dad.
Frank: I remember. I was there. It had something to do with a halter top.
Ray: Okay.
Frank: Halted you pretty good.
Ray: Dad. [to Debra] You know how these things happen. You see somebody and you think they're naked. Then you look and they're just wearing a beige top. And the next thing you know, you've run over a couple of cones.
Robert: Reckless driving.
Debra: So you just ride around looking for naked?
Ray: Well, if it won't come to me...
Quote from Robert
Robert: No, Raymond was right. This doesn't have to be torture. I just got to learn to lighten up. And to that end, I'd like to introduce you to Traffic Cop Timmy!
Debra: Oh, my God.
Robert: Timmy's going to help teach us the rest of the class tonight. Isn't that right, Timmy? "10-4, Sarge."
Ray: Look, Robert. I'm sorry, what I said about lightening up here. This might be too light.
Robert: No, it's okay, Raymond. My partner Judy uses Timmy to teach the kids about safety and they all love her. "Yeah, and Judy has warmer hands." Sorry, Timmy.
Marie: Oh, Robbie, you're very good.
Frank: Hey, make his eyes move again. How do you do that?
Robert: I'm not doing anything. "Frank, why don't you park it over there? And I mean legally."
Quote from Robert
Frank: Hey, how come you haven't said anything about Debra yet?
Robert: "I don't have a problem with Debra. You're all right, cookie. Ha-cha-cha!"
Ray: I think traffic school's over now.
Frank: Me, too. I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.
Robert: "Yeah, sit down, shiny."
Frank: You want to start with me?
Ray: Dad, dad, dad. Puppet.
Robert: "Yeah, right. If it was Raymond's traffic school everybody would be sitting here without a peep. But the minute this poor slob needs something, everybody's too busy. Everybody makes with the jokes. Nobody cares. Come on, flatfoot. Let's get the hell out of here." [exits]
Ray: Timmy's mean.
Quote from Debra
Robert: Hey.
Debra: Hey.
Robert: [points to Frank & Marie's] There's nobody home.
Debra: I wonder what that's like.
Quote from Frank
Marie: How was your class today, dear? Did the children listen to you?
Robert: I teach traffic school, Ma.
Ray: Since when?
Robert: Since today. Lots of cops do it, you know. Chance to earn a little spending money.
Frank: How about spending a little on rent?
Quote from Marie
Marie: Honey, listen. You can practice on me, dear. Come on, give me one of your routines.
Robert: What?
Marie: One of your traffic things. Come on. Let's just say I'm a crazy driver. Shut up, Frank. And I get caught. Now I've got to go to Robbie's Traffic School.
Robert: It's not called "Robbie's Traffic School," Ma!
Marie: It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. All right, let's pretend I'm a person. Shut up, Frank.
Quote from Frank
Frank: There's nothing wrong with the way I drive.
Marie: What about that squirrel you ran over?
Frank: He doubled back. That squirrel wanted to die.
Marie: Oh, please.
Frank: What about our mailbox, Frank? Did it want to die?
Robert: Don't you have an outstanding moving violation, Dad?
Frank: I wouldn't say outstanding. It was pretty good, though.
Quote from Frank
Robert: If you let me practice my class on you it'll take the ticket off your record and your insurance won't go up.
Frank: Wait a minute. You can do that? Then why don't you just sign the thing that says I went?
Robert: I didn't hear that, Dad.
Frank: All right, you didn't hear that. Maybe you'd like to hear it from some of our finest presidents.
Robert: Dad!
Quote from Robert
Ray: Traffic school? How long is this gonna be?
Robert: Well, if I don't take any breaks, I can do a condensed version in three hours.
Marie: Oh.
Ray: What?
Frank: Sweet crap!
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How long is regular traffic school?
Robert: Eight hours. And you're gonna have to go to that if you don't come to me. That's right, I got all the papers you need right in here. I'll go set up. You have two minutes before we begin. I suggest you all visit the lavatories.
Quote from Frank
Robert: Okay. Begin with introductions. [clears throat] Hello, I am Sgt. Robert Charles Barone. Sixteen years, NYPD. And you are?
Ray: Hated by God. [Robert points at him again] I'm not doing this. [Robert clicks his f ingers] Ray, okay? My name is Ray. Je m'appelle Ray.
Robert: Hi, Ray.
Debra: Debra.
Robert: Good.
Marie: Hi, I'm Marie.
Frank: I'm Frank. Sign my thing.