Debra: My husband is coming to pick me up, so I can just wait out front.
Female Police Officer: Get in.
Debra: But I wasn't driving the car. How could it be a DUI if there's no "D"?
Female Police Officer: In.
Debra: All right, fine fine. But when the truth comes out, this is going to be so embarrassing for you. Oh, fine fine. You know what? I don't care. I've got three kids at home. I'm just happy to be out of the house. [to her cellmates] Hello. So, this is jail, huh? Yeah, well, you know, not too bad. Nice folks. A place to lie down. Toilet right in the middle of the room. [sobs] Is my husband here yet?! [to a passing officer] Hello. Can I have a tissue? Come on, I just want a tissue! What kind of a place is this?! [wipes nose on arm] Fine! I'm an animal now! Are you happy?

Ray: Were you really driving drunk?
Debra: I was not driving drunk. I had a few drinks and I fell asleep. And there's some law that says if the key is in the ignition and you're behind the wheel, it doesn't matter if you're going or not they just take you to jail. And where the hell were you? I called you from the car.
Ray: I took the kids to get pizza and then we started playing Pac-Man. And they wouldn't let me leave until I got the highest score. And I did. I beat them by a lot.
Debra: I left you a message. Why didn't you check the messages?
Ray: Because they're always for you.
Debra: From now on, check the messages!
Ray: Okay, okay. Now that I know you could be in jail, I will.

Debra: You know whose fault this really is? Your mother's. She made me so mad at that shower, I started drinking, and here I am! Oh my God, she is so- Listen, she can never know about this. [off Ray's look] Oh my God! You told her I was in jail?
Ray: A little.
Debra: [grabs Ray through the bars] What is wrong with you?!
Ray: Guard!

Marie: Oh, thank God! Are you all right?
Debra: Yeah, I'm fine, Marie. I'm just a little tired.
Marie: Oh, I just want you to know that in this family, whatever our differences, we stand together. No matter what you've done, no matter how much shame you've brought upon us. What did you do?
Debra: You know, nothing. It was just a minor traffic... misunderstanding.
Marie: Thank God.
Debra: Yeah.
Marie: [to Ray] What did she do?

Debra: You mean I can't drive until the hearing? When is that?
Robert: Next month.
Ray: Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What- What- What about the errands and the kids and all their crap? Oh, no! Why does this happen to me?

Debra: I'll figure something out, Ray.
Ray: How? By the way, I'm going on the road with the Mets. Somebody's gotta drive you and the kids around.
Frank: I'll do it. She can tell me about the Big House.
Ray: We don't like you driving the children, Dad.
Frank: Why, because I tell it like it is?

Ray: Well, how about you, Ma?
Marie: Of course I'll drive Debra... if she needs me. Will Debra say she needs me?
Debra: Thank you, Marie. It's a very generous offer.
Marie: And?
Debra: And I accept because I need you.
Marie: Happy to do it.
Debra: Good night.
Marie: Oh, that's it, dear. Go sleep it off.

Marie: Sir, she's right. I was wrong.
Mr. Rodell: That's all right, ma'am.
Marie: No, no, no. It's my fault and I want to accept complete responsibility.
Mr. Rodell: Well, you can't, but thanks.
Marie: I just wanted Amy's shower to be special. That's why I made all those appetizers, like the caprese and the stuffed mushrooms. Did you get any of those?
Mr. Rodell: Excuse me, I have a full schedule.
Marie: This is important. I know I took over a little too much, but I didn't know what my place was at that bridal shower.
Debra: It's okay, Marie.
Marie: No, it's not okay. It was your party. I should have just stepped aside and let you serve your frozen whatevers. I'm sorry.
Debra: Thanks, Marie.
Mr. Rodell: [to the stenographer] You getting all this?
Debra: I'm sorry, sir.
Mr. Rodell: No, no, I think she might have helped. I now fully understand your extenuating circumstances. Which has no bearing on the case, but I do believe that you did have... intent to nap. I'm returning your license, subject to a year's probation. Goodbye, everybody. And good luck to whoever's marrying into this.

Marie: Debra, I must say, that was a very good meal.
Debra: My pleasure, Marie. And your mousse is fantastic.
Frank: You know, the moose is actually a very vicious animal. But it's not the antlers you gotta watch out for. They use their gas.
Ray: You and a moose would be a good fight.
Robert: Really, Ma, this is scrumptious. Rich.
Marie: That's because I use real Valrhona chocolate, and I even added some brandy. [sees Debra eating it] No!

Amy: Debra, what are all these women doing in my apartment?
Debra: Gee, Amy, looks like they're here for a bridal shower.
Amy: Why would they be here for a bridal shower?
Debra: I don't know. Maybe it's because you're getting-
Both: Married!
Amy: I'm getting married! Thank you for throwing me this shower.
Debra: Oh.
Amy: You are the best matron of honor ever.
Debra: Let's not say "matron."