Amy: You know, I was starting to think that this was never going to happen.
Robert: What?
Amy: You moving out of your parent's house and everything finally moving forward.
Robert: Yeah, it's exciting. You know what else I need around here? Ice cubes trays.
Amy: I'm talking about us, Yogi. The plan.

Amy: Hey, maybe the couch should be facing the window. What d'you think?
Robert: I really don't like facing the window. You know, snipers. And then it'd be hard to see the TV.
Amy: Oh, we're keeping the TV in the living room?
Robert: No, no, that's just where I set it down and plugged it in and hooked up the cable.

Ray: Doug.
Doug: Hey, Ray, I saved the best for last.
Ray: I can't believe it's you. I was just hating you.
Doug: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Ray: Yeah.
Doug: I brought you the thing you've been waiting for. So how do you feel now?
Ray: Oh, now I love you.
Doug: Easy.
Ray: Hey, hey, you're off now, right?
Doug: Mm-hmm.
Ray: Wanna go play some golf?
Doug: Oh-- oh, I can't. I got to get home. I gotta go shopping with my wife.

Ray: Hey, Auntie Em. Oh yeah, that smells good.
Debra: Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes. Can you open that jar for me?
Ray: There you go.
Debra: Thanks. Oh, listen there's this big spider up in the bathtub.
Ray: Oh, yeah?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Hope he's not using all the hot water.
Debra: I need you to kill him for me later 'cause that's why I keep you around.
Debra: You want some water with that?
Ray: Yeah, thank you.
Debra: Here you go, bread and water. A meal fit for a hostage.

Ray: Hostage! Did Robert tell you that I was saying-
Debra: Amy told me.
Ray: Amy? Well, how did she find out?
Debra: She heard it from Robert. Right before they broke up.
Ray: Oh my God! They broke up, why? [Debra folds her arms and stares at Ray]

Debra: Who are you to give Robert, or anybody else for that matter, marital advice?
Ray: I'm nobody. I didn't-- what? What happened?
Debra: Amy called me up crying, all upset. She said Robert started acting all weird when she tried to talk to him about their future. And when she finally pinned him down, he started in with this prison talk. Then he said he wasn't sure that he could commit to her just now.
Ray: He broke up with her?
Debra: No, she broke up with him. What else is she supposed to do? She's been going out with him for two years, and this is the return she gets on her investment? "Oh, gee, things are moving kind of fast. Maybe we should pull back, give each other some space."
Ray: It sounds reasonable.
Debra: It's not reasonable! Do you know how hard it is for a woman to get a guy like Robert to commit? And then you, you come along, his happily married brother!
Ray: Yes, yes, very happily.
Debra: Yeah, yeah. And instead of telling him how lucky he is to have Amy at all and how wonderful marriage can be, you dig him a hole and read him his last rites.

Debra: You wish you were like Robert.
Ray: What?!
Debra: I remember you saying "Oh, lucky Robert. Robert gets to golf and bla-bla-bla." No wonder you said all that stuff to him?
Ray: I didn't- I wasn't- I- I was joking. Honey, jokes. Listen, okay, I know what happened. Robert tried to do my jokes. That's all and-- Yeah! You know, and he's not really funny. He's too big. There's no lightness about him. You know, when I did it, it was just- It was funny and cute. You would have laughed at it, you know? It was, you know, "Hey, hey, I'm a hostage, oh! Hey, oh, this is crazy! What's going on? I'm a hostage. Clinkity clink clink clink. Clinkity, clink, clink, clink. Clink, clink, clink. Whoa, look at my-- look at my beard! My beard is so long." All right, it's not my funniest stuff. It's- You know, it's not belly laughs, it's just- It's more- It's observational. But not this. Not observing this! Just things I've heard. I love you!

Ray: Look, the other day, I guess you came over here looking for advice about marriage and I wasn't really talking to you, you know. I was just kind of being funny.
Robert: When were you funny?
Ray: You know, the hostage thing, spanking a supermodel-
Debra: What?!
Ray: But this- What I forgot to say when I was telling all those stupid, stupid jokes was, was all the good things about marriage. You know, there's just so much good about this. It's like... It's almost hard to start.

Ray: Look, I don't know why you're mad at me. I said some very nice things today.
Debra: Oh, you're right. You were very touching. You know, it is nice every once in a while for a wife to hear that her husband wants to spank a supermodel.
Ray: I don't want to. Sometimes they're naughty.