Ray: Listen, we're not talking about what we do while we're here, Dad.
Robert: Yeah. The big question is why we're here in the first place. You know, I've spent many a night lying in bed thinking about this kind of stuff. Life's imponderables.
Frank: You need to find yourself a broad, and pronto.
Robert: Where are we? Where are we in the big scheme of things?
Frank: Don't got to be a pretty one. Just grab something.

Ray: What have you got? I'm telling you, it's foolproof.
Robert: Hey, come on, Ray. She's gonna get mad.
Gianni: Smelly. How about smelly?
Bernie: No, no. It's too easy. Trampy. Try trampy.
Robert: Guys. Guys, come on.
Ray: I got it, I got it "smelly tramp."
Debra: [enters] Ray, did you pick up the mail?
Ray: Yeah, it's over there. Nothing but bills today, smelly tramp.
Debra: I know. We always get so much- [stares at Ray] Robert made me do it.

Debra: It's just that you're so immature all the time.
Ray: That's not true, all right? It isn't.
Debra: Oh, no? Who made Geoffrey cry at Christmas because Daddy had to try the toy airplane before anybody else?
Ray: Hey, it took two hours to put the damn thing together. I can't get one throw?
Debra: And who does the "hysterical" nursery rhymes for the kids? "Little Jack Horner sat in the corner, something, something, poop and pee."
Ray: You gotta give the people what they want.
Debra: How about setting an example for them?
Ray: Hey, I'm a great example, okay? Yeah, I kid around, but when it's crunch time, I'm right there.
Debra: Oh, yeah, like the other day when Ally was asking you how babies get here, and you suddenly had a sneeze attack and ran out of the room?
Ray: So I should just sneeze on my daughter?

Ray: Okay. Here's what happens. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married, and then sometimes they decide to make a baby.
Ally: Why are there babies?
Ray: Right, right. Okay, I'm gonna get to that. Okay. What a man and a woman do is...
Ally: No, I mean, I know that the man and the woman have to do something, but why are we born? Why has God put us here?
Ray: Because that's... What?
Ally: If we all go to Heaven when we die, then why does God want us here first?
Ray: Why does God want us here?
Ally: Yeah, why? [Ray searches the book] Why are we here, Daddy?
Ray: Yeah, I heard you, I heard you. You don't want to talk about sex?
Ally: No.
Ray: You ever hear the word "fallopian"?

Ray: [sneezes]
Debra: What are you doing? You were only up there-
Ray: I got blindsided!
Debra: What? What do you mean?
Ray: Ally didn't want to talk about sex. She started asking questions about life, why did God put us here, crazy stuff like that.
Debra: Wow! So what did you say?
Ray: I told her we're here because Heaven is crowded.
Debra: You said Heaven is crowded?
Ray: I got ambushed!

Marie: And I made cannolis.
Debra: Actually, we're kind of in the middle of something, right, Ray?
Ray: What, you only made four?
Debra: Ray!
Ray: It's just that there's five of us.
Marie: I made six, but your father got at 'em.
Frank: No, I didn't.
Marie: Well, I guess two had wings, 'cause they just flew away.
Frank: Then make another one of those and climb aboard.

Marie: This is terrible. You know, Robert, this might explain why you're still single.
Robert: What?
Marie: Sexual relations can be very confusing. I should have never left it up to your father. Do you want to talk?
Robert: You know, I would, but I don't know what we'd do with all the vomit.

Marie: Okay, everybody listen to me. Sit down. Listen. "In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth." Okay, okay, okay, "Let there be light." Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. It might take me a minute more.
Debra: A minute more? Marie, religious scholars spend their lives trying to answer this question. You're not going to flip through the Bible and find the meaning of life.
Marie: O, ye of little faith. That's in here somewhere, too.

Debra: If you want to know what's in the Bible, why don't you talk to Father Hubley?
Ray: Hey, that's right. You know what, it's his job to know these things.
Debra: Are you gonna call him?
Ray: Yeah. What are we putting the money in that basket for?

Ray: What am I going to tell Ally? She's waiting now.
Frank: Tell her to come down here. I'll set her straight. No more of this nonsense.
Debra: It's not nonsense, Frank! Haven't you ever heard that the unexamined life is not worth living?
Frank: Hey, you know what? [snores]
Marie: You see, that's your problem, Frank. You're so closed-minded.
Frank: No, the problem is, you're so open-mouthed.