Peter: Man, I just didn't see this one coming. I mean, every night my mother would leave a plate of cookies and a cup of hot cocoa outside my door. Does that say "Get the hell out" to you?
Robert: Yeah, they send you all these mixed signals. My mom was the same way. With the food, all the meats and the sauces. You're all doped up like a bear in the zoo. You don't want to be there, but you lose the will to escape.

Frank: Those two think their troubles are over. Believe me, you don't want a relative like that living so close to you. You can never get rid of 'em.

Peter: You know something? Enjoy your movie. I'm going back to Mom and Dad's.
Robert: Finally.
Amy: Peter, wait.
Peter: No. I'm walking to the bus station.
Amy: You're never gonna be able to get a bus home tonight.
Peter: Then I'll sleep there overnight. Nobody judges you on the floor of the bus station.
Amy: You can't sleep down there! Robert, please, do something!
Robert: All right! I'll drive him back to Pennsylvania.
Peter: Oh yeah, that's what I need: you, me, and no witnesses.

Peter: So, that's it?
Pat: I'm sorry, Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus.
Peter: Jesus doesn't need a room! His dad didn't throw him out! I need my kitty! Where's Miss Puss? Miss Puss-Puss!
Hank: She's outside.
Peter: What?! Outside?! No! Miss Puss is an inside cat!
Pat: Not anymore.

Marie: Amy, dear, you have to understand. A child is like a baby robin. You feed him, you nurture him, you get him strong so when the time comes, he's ready to fly away and bring you back grand-robins. And no matter how much you want him to, sometimes there's a robin who just won't fly away.
Frank: And before you know it, you got a 40-year-old robin who can't lift his ass out of the nest.
Amy: I guess it had been going on for so long that we all just got used to it, but I know...
Debra: Yeah. A 40-year-old man still living at his parents' house is a little weird.
Marie: Well, the boy gets used to certain things. Your mother doing your laundry for you and fixing your meals.
Frank: Changing your diaper.
Ray: Taking your temperature the old-fashioned way.

Pat: Hello, Ray. What a surprise.
Ray: Hi. Hi, Mrs. MacDougall. Uh, it was quite a long drive. Could I use your facilities?
Pat: Certainly. Come in. Right through there and to the left. There are cherubs on the door.

Robert: And I thought I was doing them a favor by staying.
Peter: Yeah, me too.
Robert: They want you there until they don't want you there.
Peter: You know, I got the raw deal 'cause I was the oldest. You know, so they made all their mistakes with me.
Robert: Yeah, me too. It's like I was the practice kid. It's like, "Oh well, now we know not to drop Raymond."
Peter: You know, in my house, it was, "Not now, Peter. Amy's playing the piano. Take off your cape and eat your dinner."

Robert: Did you notice he was wearing my shirt? I guess he just went into the drawer and helped himself.
Amy: Actually, I gave it to him.
Robert: Ah!
Amy: He needs something to wear while he rinses out his clothes. He only had the one outfit.
Robert: Yeah, I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob, which reminds me... If you go out today, pick up a new doorknob.
Amy: Oh, that's right. I also gave him a pair of your briefs. I had to pin them.

Robert: Amy. Um, maybe it's just me, but all you did was ask him to dinner, and now he's living on our couch.
Amy: Oh, Robert, he's been nothing but nice and helpful since he got here.
Robert: I'm sorry. Honey... I can't live like this. [Amy cries] Okay. What are you doing? Come on. Amy, stop crying. Please don't cry. You know I can't stand it when- Look! Fruit!
Amy: No, you're right. It's my fault. I know you never liked Peter. I never should've let him stay. But I thought maybe you'd get to know him, 'cause he's really very sweet.
Robert: No no, I know, but you have to admit, he's a little...
Amy: No, I know. We all know!
Robert: Then why do we need him here?
Amy: Because he's my brother. You know, Robert, I make an effort with your family. I try because they're a little... too!

Amy: So, Peter have you spoken to Mom and Dad?
Peter: Yeah, I called them yesterday. You know what I told them? I told them how much I love it here. And they go, "When are you coming home?" And I go, "I'll see ya when I see ya. New York is my lady."
Amy: That's great, Peter. What did they say?
Peter: They didn't know what to say. You know, they're so wrapped up in their little puritanical Pennsylvanian snow globe of a world. I mean, this really shook 'em up, man!
Robert: That's great, man.
Peter: Listen, guys, when you're done eating, just put the plates in the sink, and I'll get to them later. Right now there's a mudpack with my name on it!