Marie: Raymond. Don't you look nice?
Robert: Yes, welcome home, Raymond. We've all been waiting for you.
Marie: Oh, look. Are those flowers for me?
Robert: I think they're for Raymond's funeral.

Ray: There are only so many aisle seats!
Marie: Remind her you have a small bladder.
Ray: Ma, please.
Frank: Hey, quit yelling. I can't hear. Go back to the car.
Ray: I'm gonna wait in the car! I have a small bladder, you know! [exits]
Marie: It's true. You remember his Little League game?

Debra: [slaps Ray's behind] Hey.
Ray: What'd you do that for?
Debra: Because you're my husband, and that is the flattest thing I have ever seen.
Ray: Hmm. Yeah.
Debra: Are you still mad because we missed a couple of previews?
Ray: Yeah, and we had no time for popcorn. I had to sit in the middle. I got up to go to the bathroom, everybody's like, "Oh, this guy again?" Yeah okay, great night.
Debra: Ray, I'm very sorry that there were other people in the theater.

Amy: Oh, Ray, you look so handsome! Robert, doesn't Ray look handsome?
Robert: Yeah, I'll take a table for two near the back.
Ray: Sorry, we don't serve circus people.

Ray: What- What time you got?
Robert: 6:25.
Ray: You don't got 6:26?
Robert: I will in a minute. What's wrong with you?
Ray: Nothing. Nothing. Debra and I had a deal that she'd be in the car at 6:30, and I promised not to yell up the stairs, "We gotta go. Come on, come on. My next wife isn't gonna do this." Things of that nature, you know? Yeah. All right, I'm gonna wait in the car. [exits; returns] When Debra comes down, tell her I am patiently waiting in the car and not yelling things up the stairs! [exits again]
Robert: I don't know what Ma sees in him.

Amy: Oh, good. Go get the car.
Robert: I'll get the car.
Debra: Don't bother, Robert. [removes her shoes]
Amy: Oh no, Deb. Come on. What are you doing?
Robert: Yeah, you can't let him do this to you.
Debra: Oh, don't worry, Robert. He will pay. [exits]
Robert: [laughs]
Amy: What's so funny?
Robert: Come. Sit, my dear. I've got us ringside seats.

Bernie: Wow. You're my hero. Good for you, Ray. Linda keeps me waiting all the time. Drives me nuts! I would love to see the look on her face if I drove off without her. She'd just be standing there... All dressed up, thinking I'm gonna come back to get her. But then I don't. And every second that goes by, she gets madder and madder. Turning red. Pacing up and down. Cursing me out Oh, man! I could never do what he did! I gotta hand it to you, Ray. [Ray is silent] Ray? Ray, are you okay?
Ray: [trembles] Oh my God, what did I do? What did I do? What did I do?
Bernie: You left without her. You struck a blow for all men.
Ray: I left without her. She was getting dressed up for this, and l- I just-
Bernie: You struck a blow!
Ray: Shut up, Bernie! I'm a dead man!

Marie: We just got back from the opera. We had a marvelous time.
Robert: Yeah? You too, Dad?
Frank: Yep. Slept like a baby.
Marie: Placido was magnificent!
Frank: Placido should change his name to Snorio.

Marie: Did I miss something? What- What's going on?
Amy: Debra was ready to go out tonight, but her curling iron got stuck and Ray left without her.
Robert: He AlS'd her.
Frank: You AlS'd her? You left?
Ray: Her "A" wasn't in the "S."
Amy: Why would you do that, Ray?
Robert: Yes, why, Ray? Why? Terrible person, perhaps?

Frank: Marie does the same thing, always yapping.
Marie: I'm talking to people, Frank. I'm a people person.
Frank: Yeah? Well, the people could use a break from you!
Amy: Your mother's right. Some of us care about people, not clocks.
Robert: Well, sometimes you care more about people than you do me.
Frank: Yes! I too am people.
Marie: And all you care about is you.