Marie: I came over to apologize. I told Raymond.
Debra: What?
Ray: I thought she was being sarcastic.
Marie: I wasn't sarcastic. I told you about that bacteria commercial, and I was very sincere. I even made Debra a cake to say I'm sorry.
Ray: Well, I don't remember any of that!
Marie: So you didn't tell her?
Ray: Well, look, I vaguely remember you said something about Debra, but as far as an apology... Look, it certainly wasn't clear... All right, look, let's just forget about it! Let's just forget about it. Let's all have some cake that says "I'm sorry" on it.
Robert: That's a great cake, Ma. Can't wait to see Raymond eat it.

Debra: Is there anything you'd like to say, Ray? [Ray is silent]
Marie: Why didn't you tell Debra that I was going to apologize?
Ray: Honestly, for real? Okay. Debra, you just weren't ready to receive that message. I- Sometimes in life, things gotta get a lot worse before they get better. It's just like shoes! Sometimes when they're new, they're not so comfortable, but when you beat 'em up a little, then they're great. This is like now.
Robert: That doesn't even make any sense, Raymond.
Ray: Well, not to you, because you buy your shoes at the same place you get your wide-load pants.
Amy: Wait a minute.
Ray: No, this family can't wait, Amy! What does it matter what my method was? What matters is that everything is fine now! And you know what? That's what the cake should say. "Everybody's fine"!

Debra: Wait a minute, Ray. Why didn't you tell me she came over to apologize, especially when you knew how angry I was?
Robert: [to Amy] Hold on to something.
Ray: I told you, you weren't ready to receive it. I needed to calm you down.
Debra: Oh, you needed to calm me down. It's more like you needed... Oh, my God. You're like a sex maniac!
Ray: What? What does that even mean?
Amy: He didn't tell Debra because he wanted to get sex?
Robert: Evil sex. Evil, twisted, dirty sex.
Ray: No, no!
Marie: I'm disappointed, Raymond. You're supposed to think of your mother before sex.

Frank: Robert, let's get a move on.
Robert: [o.s.] Okay.
Frank: I said, "Let's go!"
Robert: I'll meet you there. What are we, like a freaking herd?

Robert: All right, everybody, let's go.
Debra: I thought you were gonna have a drink first.
Robert: Ah, I'll just get something out of Dad's liquor cabinet.
Frank: The hell you will!
Robert: Back to the party.

Debra: I hate when you do this, Marie.
Marie: Do what, dear? Help?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. That's all she's doing. She's helping. Okay. Well, good night, you big helping mommy!
Debra: Look out! Marie, why can't you just be direct with me?
Marie: Well, I'm sorry. But it's hard to be direct with someone who jumps down your throat every time you make a helpful suggestion. There. Is that direct enough?
Debra: You know what, Marie? I'll take the boys to the Happy Zone, and I'll take care of their haircuts and I'll do it all without you! How is that for direct?
Marie: That's fine with me, dear. At least you're finally doing something about it. Come on, Robert, let's go.
Debra: Unbelievable!
Robert: [to Ray] Well I'll get outta your way. I guess you've got a juggler to bury.

Robert: All right, all right! Just leave the game on, you sex-starved animals.
Ray: Oh. First of all, I'll put on any channel I want because this is my house, and you're just here to make us seem good-looking. Second of all, if you knew what went on in this house last night, the last thing you'd be calling me is "sex-starved," my friend. Does the term "angry sex" mean anything to you?
Gianni: Oh, yeah.
Bernie: Oh, yeah. You mean like when the wife gets angry 'cause we wrap it up a little too soon?
Ray: No.
Gianni: Hey, what is she mad at you for?
Ray: She wasn't mad at me. She was mad at my mother. And I don't know, it just freed up something in her, and she channeled that anger in a very hot fashion.
Bernie: Did she curse?
Ray: She said some things, man. She said some things.

Robert: All right, all right! That's enough!
Ray: What's your problem?
Robert: That's disgusting! Talking about your wife like that to these creeps.
Ray: What? They're my friends, all right? So mind your own fat-ass business.
Gianni: Yeah. Yeah, shut up.
Robert: My rear end is appropriately proportioned. Raymond. And I'd like to say something else, exploiting someone's anger for your own gratification is repugnant. And double repugnant is then bragging to your monkey pals about it. The deepest form of intimacy between a man and a woman should be a private thing, and remain sacred.

Amy: Oh, Ray, this is all my fault. We were having a great time, and then I brought up this whole Marie thing, just trying to help work it out, and she just got angrier and angrier.
Bernie: Did she curse?
Amy: What?
Ray: Okay all right, look, Amy, you tried, okay? But you know what? I know how to handle this. So, guys, if you don't mind, I'd like to tend to my wife.
Bernie: Of course, Raymond. Keep us informed.
Gianni: Okay, all right.
Ray: Okay.
Robert: Oh, you are going straight to hell.
Ray: And you're going back to live with Mommy and Daddy.
Robert: You win. One other thing, Raymond a man without respect for the sanctity of love is a soulless man.
Ray: You are a very big girl.

Ray: Hey, hey. You still up?
Debra: Yeah, what are you running around for?
Ray: Oh, no, no. No, I wasn't running. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a cougar.