Uncle Louis: Hey, where's the big man?
Chris: Oh, he's out getting the tickets.
Uncle Louis: Oh, cool. Hey, can you go find him and tell him to get me one?
Chris: Yeah, but can you watch the bags?
Uncle Louis: Absolutely. Oh, and if you see your mom, tell her I'm here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'll try to get the words out while she's choking me.

Ticket Agent: Can I help you?
Julius: Yeah, I need five tickets; two adults, three children to Greenville, South Carolina leaving at 8:30.
Ticket Agent: That bus is delayed.
Julius: I know, but whatever time it's leaving I'm still gonna need tickets.
Ticket Agent: Where are they?
Julius: Who?
Ticket Agent: The children. I can't sell you children's tickets unless I see the children.
Julius: Why not?
Ticket Agent: Because what if they're adults?
Julius: Lady, I am not running a scam. I need to go to a funeral.
Ticket Agent: Sorry to hear that. I still need to see the kids.
Julius: Ma'am, I've been waiting in line almost an hour.
Ticket Agent: And you didn't have time to go get the children.
Julius: Lady, I am buying bus tickets to Greenville, South Carolina. Now that has to be the worst scam on Earth. Now, if I am that desperate to get out of New York City, you don't want me hanging around, especially around the time you get off.
Ticket Agent: Is that a threat?
Julius: Let's just say it's a scenario.
Ticket Agent: Two adults, three kids. That's $180.
Julius: They said it was $120.
Ticket Agent: That was our Underground Railroad special. It's been discontinued.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] How much are slave ship tickets?

Julius: Uncle Louis is here? What'd he do, get kicked off the plane for singing?
Chris: No, his flight got canceled, so he wants to ride with us. He wants you to buy him a ticket.
Julius: Buy him a ticket? I don't have enough money to buy our tickets.
Chris: How come? What happened?
Julius: Forget about it. Just give me the money your mother gave you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Excuse me. I'll be back in five years. [fantasy: Chris runs away]
Chris: Oh, um, I don't have it.
Julius: What do you mean you don't have it? What happened to it?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The best thing about having two parents is that usually one of them wants you to live. But my father could only help me if I told the truth.
Julius: Three-card monte. Chris, I'm gonna get that money back.

Chris: It's right there.
Julius: Are you sure?
Hustler: Place your bets.
Chris: Positive.
Julius: I got $50 on it.
Hustler: $100 says that you wrong.
Julius: Are you sure that's the card?
Chris: Yeah.
Huster: Here we go. There you go. Take a bat. Show me where it's at. [all groan] Hmm-hmm-hmm. Don't frown. Don't frown.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is the kind of experience that brings a father and son closer... closer to death.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The rain had fallen, but the storm was just about to hit.
Rochelle: Y'all acting like somebody else died. What happened?
All: Oh, nothing!
Chris: Everything's all right, you know. [all clamoring]
Uncle Louis: I just want a hug... from Tonya!
Tonya: Hey!
Rochelle: Why y'all acting all suspicious?
Chris: I'm not acting suspicious. I don't know what happened over here, but we're cool here. You know, just having some good times, you know?
Rochelle: Don't make me have to get it out of you.
Chris: Okay, I played three-card monte and I lost all the money that you gave me to hold.
Julius: Then I tried to win it back and I lost the rest of the money.
Uncle Louis: I-I didn't do anything.
Rochelle: [hisses] Gambling?! How many times do I have to tell y'all about gambling?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Quick, sing "Flashlight"!
Uncle Louis: [sings] Flashlight...

Rochelle: Okay, you guys, all we need is one good bet.
Julius: What are we gonna bet? We don't have any money.
Rochelle: You don't have any money.
Uncle Louis: Well, where'd you get all that?
Julius: Shouldn't I be saying that?
Uncle Louis: Sorry.
Julius: Where'd you get all that?
Rochelle: It's from my emergency fund.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If my father had ever thought to say, "Quick, who's got $200? It's an emergency," she would have given it to him.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We got back the money, but there was still one problem.
Julius: Hey, where is everybody?
Tonya: The bus left.
Rochelle: What? [slaps Chris's head] All you had to do was watch the bags!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All I wanted was some Southern hospitality, but all I got was Northern hostility.