Lisa: I'm gonna continue to pursue the truth wherever it leads me. Now get out of my office.
Chris: Fine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was fair and balanced.

Julius: Why is your brother sleeping on my couch?
Rochelle: Him and Momma got into a little fight. It'll just be for a few days.
Julius: You couldn't ask me?
Rochelle: I was going to.
Julius: I don't want my kids waking up in the morning getting used to seeing a grown man sleeping on the couch.
Rochelle: Don't worry, Julius, he'll be gone soon.
Julius: How soon?
Rochelle: Julius, he's family, okay? Just be patient.
Michael: Big man! That couch is kinda rough. 'Chelle, did you make anything to eat? I'm hungry.
Julius: Better make that food to go.

Rochelle: Here you go, baby. Now, is there anything else I could get for you?
Julius: No. I just want to sit in my chair.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That face means there's nothing worse than sitting on a hot chair warmed by a lazy ass.
Rochelle: Mommy made you really good spinach. Mmm. Yummy. Mmm-mmm.

Rochelle: Michael, you talk to Momma yet?
Michael: Nah. I'm giving her a chance to calm down.
Rochelle: You got to leave. If Julius finds you here tomorrow, I don't know what he's going to do.
Michael: If I go home, I don't know what Momma gonna do.
Rochelle: You got one more night.
Michael: Okay, 'Chelle. Dang.
Rochelle: And stay out of Julius's chair.

Greg: DiPaolo told a guy we were going to put cherry Kool-Aid in the water fountains.
Chris: DiPaolo? Well, that was another bad idea.

Store Owner: Gotcha! You think you can steal my stuff and get away with it?
Chris: I didn't take this. These kids ran by and they dropped it on my table!
Store Owner: Good, tell it to the police. [Greg runs off]
Chris: Greg, where you going?!
Store Owner: Come on.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While he's grabbing me, three White kids grabbed everything in his cash register.

Chris: "Heist By Class President Foiled as Impeachment Looms"?
Greg: This is outrageous!
Chris: How are you going to call me a liar? You're the liar. I'm not guilty. They found the real guys five minutes later.
Lisa: I had a deadline. School was out in an hour and a half.
Chris: You couldn't wait 30 minutes to find out whether your story was true or not?
Lisa: You're the class president, this is the news. We wouldn't have printed it if you hadn't exhibited a pattern of behavior.
Chris: What pattern?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe I was guilty.
Greg: You're supposed to be a journalist. You can't in good conscience let this stand without printing a retraction. He's gonna lose his office.
Lisa: I promise I'll print a retraction.

Rochelle: Julius, he's my brother.
Julius: Okay. How much longer do I have to deal with this?
Rochelle: Not much longer. Baby, because you're so understanding about this, I am going to make your favorite cheese grits for breakfast.
Julius: Cheese grits? I love them cheese grits.
Rochelle: I know you do.
Julius: Baby, I promise you he'll be gone by tomorrow, okay?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad had heard that before; I think it was yesterday.
Julius: Extra cheese?
Rochelle: Extra cheese, sharp cheddar.
Julius: Sharp cheddar.

Chris: Hey, how come you're not training?
Tonya: Because Drew lied to me. I did everything he asked. I ran through tires, I did wind sprints and I still can't double Dutch.
Chris: Well, I'll help you.
Tonya: You will?
Chris: Yeah. You already know how to do this. [starts spinning ropes] Just count it out and when I say "go"... Go.
Tonya: Okay, ready I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Thanks, Drew.
Chris: What?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Getting impeached taught me a valuable lesson: only make promises you can keep. From then on, I just promised to eat pizza and watch the Knicks game.
Greg: She promised a retraction. Here it is.
Chris: Do you see this? This is tinier than the print in the Bazooka Joe comic strip.