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‘Everybody Hates Thanksgiving’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Thanksgiving

208. Everybody Hates Thanksgiving

Aired November 20, 2006

When his successful brother Louis (Wayne Brady) visits on Thanksgiving, Julius is determined to cook the perfect feast.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: That's $98.47 worth of groceries.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's usually what he says.
Julius: Rochelle, we have family coming over. I can't have them thinking we can't afford nice things.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's usually what she says.
Rochelle: Baby, why do you feel like you have to compete with Louis?
Julius: This has nothing to do with Louis. I just want to have a good dinner.

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Quote from Chris

Doc: You can make macaroni and cheese out of anything. All you got to do is...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whenever anyone says, "All you have to do is" the next thing they say is always something impossible.
[fantasy: Chris and a man are wearing bomb squad uniforms as they crouch in front an explosive:]
Man: Dismantling a bomb is easy. All you have to do is identify the ground wire, pull out your cutters and snip. You try it. [runs away]
[fantasy: Chris and a man are on top of a building:]
Man: Base jumping is easy. All you got to do is make sure you have enough distance from the base before you pop your chute. [voice echoing] You try... [thud]
[fantasy: A man is on the street juggling:]
Man: Juggling chainsaws is easy. All you have to do is keep one saw in the air at all times. [chainsaw buzzes] [screams]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All you have to do is learn to live with one hand.
Chris: Hey, you want me to go get somebody or something?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, I', thankful that I don't have to take no mess, 'cause my man has two jobs.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I didn't like the idea of homework over Thanksgiving, I did learn what Thanksgiving was all about.
Chris: To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness. Thanksgiving came about when the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter, taught them how to grow corn and how to prepare for the winter. They went on to cook one of the greatest meals the pilgrims every ate. And in appreciation for showing them how to prosper and survive in this brave new world, the pilgrims killed the Indians and created a holiday in their honor. So on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, but most importantly, I'm thankful that I'm not a Native American.
[Ms. Morello is the only person to clap. The other students give Chris a blank stare. Greg shakes his head at Chris. Outside the class room, a tear runs down the eye of a Native American man.]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Happy Thanksgiving.

Quote from Michael

Chris: So Uncle Mike, is your back still hurting?
Michael: Oh, yeah. My back has been out for 11 years. It's an old football injury.
Vanessa: I didn't know you played football.
Michael: I don't. I was watching football and fell off the couch.
Louis: Does your back hurt now?
Michael: Yeah.
Louis: Show me where.
Michael: Right here. Right back there.
Louis: Yeah, right, right, right there, huh? That's your L-5. I can fix that for you.
Michael: I don't know. I've been knowing a lot of doctors and they told me it was all chronic.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Chronic? What doctor has he been going to, Dr. Dre?
Louis: Doctors, they don't know what they're talking about. All right, here, here. Ready?
Michael: Oh, geez. I feel better.
Rochelle: Oh, good. Now you can get a job.
Michael: I'm not cured, Rochelle. It's just in remission.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because my father really wanted to impress his brother, my dad was cooking like a quarterback running plays.
Julius: Okay, Chris, while the macaroni is boiling on the front burner and you're grating the cheese on the chopping board, Tonya, I need you to break right into the dining room and prep the cranberry sauce. Now while the sauce is jiggling, Tonya and Drew, I need you to cover setting the table, while I scrimmage to prepare the rest of the meal. Now, Drew, I need you to cut across back into the kitchen, bake the rolls, and get them back to the table in 15 minutes. On three. One, two, three...
All: Grease!
Julius: [off Rochelle's look] What?
Rochelle: Nothing. Looks like you got it all handled. I think I'm gonna go upstairs.
Julius: But I need your help
Rochelle: No because if something goes wrong, I don't want you blaming me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's blaming her right now.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Doc: Well, who died?
Ms. Watkins: My husband.
Doc: Oh, my condolences.
Ms. Watkins: No, not just now. It happened a couple of weeks ago.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, he got mauled by a bear at the circus. Tragic.
Doc: So you're a widow?
Ms. Watkins: Yes.
Mr. Omar: All right, now. It's her third time. You gonna be number four? You better leave her alone.

Quote from Doc

Doc: I'm thankful I read this book by Larry X. I mean, this brother is so hip. I mean, he breaks down the real deal on Thanksgiving as it pertains to the disenfranchised minorities of this capitalist society. And it's autographed, too. You better read it.
Chris: Thanks.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Where've you been?
Julius: At the grocery store.
Rochelle: Oh. Foxy Brown sugar? Telly Savalas eggs? Dr. J stuffing? Chuck Berry cranberry sauce?!
Julius: And a Larry Bird turkey.
Rochelle: That won't even fit into our oven. Wait, these are all name brands. What's going on?
Julius: Nothing. Why?
Rochelle: Is this because your brother's coming?

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While we got ready for Thanksgiving, Mr. Omar came by for thanks-taking.
Mr. Omar: Hi, Ms. Rochelle. Can I could borrow a cup of flour?
Rochelle: Oh, sure, no problem.
[later:]
Mr. Omar: Can I borrow a cup of gravy?
[later:]
Mr. Omar: Can I borrow a cup?
Rochelle: Mr. Omar, why don't you just come over for Thanksgiving dinner?
Mr. Omar: I thought you'd never ask. See you later.

Quote from Adult Chris

Drew: Hey, Dad, can we take a break?
Julius: Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break? Did Moses take a break? Did Gandhi take a break?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He took a break from eating.
Julius: That looks pretty good, Chris.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.
Julius: Remember, two hours. I got to put the turkey in next.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mac and cheese looked so good Gandhi would've snuck himself a plate.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Well, don't worry about it. Look, I'll start the turkey and finish the cobbler.
Rochelle: Well, where are you going to cook the mac and cheese?
Julius: In the oven.
Rochelle: When?
Julius: What are you talking about?
Rochelle: The turkey's gonna take five hours at 300 degrees, the mac and cheese is gonna take two hours at 320 degrees, then the cobbler's gonna take 45 minutes at 425 degrees. You've already lost two hours with Three Mile Island here, so I'd say we'll probably, we'll be eating dinner around about 1:30 tomorrow morning. That's if nothing else goes wrong.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother was bad at math, except when it came to multiplying my father's headaches.

Quote from Julius

Tonya & Drew: Hey, Uncle Louis!
Louis: What's up, sweetie? Hey, big man.
Rochelle: Hey. Good seeing you.
Michael: Hey, why they don't treat me like that?
Julius: 'Cause you don't have a job.

Quote from Doc

Doc: You're looking for macaroni on Thanksgiving Day? Man, that's like looking for candles on Hanukkah.

Quote from Julius

Michael: Hey, Rochelle, why I got to be over where with the kids?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 'Cause everybody at that table lives with their mother.
Rochelle: Anyway...
Julius: 'Cause only working people at this table.

Quote from Rochelle

[title: "The following episode takes place over the Thanksgiving holiday November Nineteen Eight-Four"]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday. All you had to do was eat...
Julius: Chris, pass the macaroni and cheese.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...and sleep. Everybody in my family loved Thanksgiving, except my mother, because to her it was just more work. But this year was going to be different.
Rochelle: All right, guys, family conference. I just want to let y'all know that if you think all you're going to do this Thanksgiving is sit around and eat and sleep, you got another think coming. Uncle Louis is coming over and I'm not doing all the work by myself.
Tonya: What do we have to do?
Rochelle: I want everybody to make a dish.
Drew: I'll make the rolls.
Tonya: I can make the cranberry sauce.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Which means she can open up a can and dump it in a bowl.

Quote from Chris

Rochelle: Chris, I want you to make the mac and cheese.
Chris: I don't know how to make mac and cheese. And I don't want to be the one to mess it up. I like living here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Next to turkey, the most important dish at our Thanksgiving dinner was the macaroni and cheese. Making good mac and cheese wasn't cooking, it was science.
[fantasy:]
Host: This year's Nobel prize nominees are Dr. Wan for the cure to cancer, Dr. Stravinsky for the discovery of the missing link, and Chris for some good-ass macaroni and cheese. And the winner is... Chris.
[reality:]
Rochelle: That's okay, baby. You'll do fine. All you got to do is follow the recipe.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Uncle Louis was a successful chiropractor. Since he was younger, my father always felt like he had to outdo him.
[flashback:]
Julius: I'll have a beer.
Waiter: And you?
Louis: I'll have a red wine.
Julius: I'll have a red wine, too. A large.
[flashback:]
Louis: Man, you wouldn't believe the stress I'm under at work. I just got 15 new patients.
Julius: Man, I got so much stress at work, they had to hire another guy to help me worry.
[flashback:]
Louis: I got her for $150 below sticker.
Julius: Really?
Louis: Yeah.
Julius: Oh, wow. I got my whole car for below $150.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] That mac and cheese looked how my father felt.
Rochelle: That's your mother's recipe?
Julius: How come you didn't wake me up?
Rochelle: Because you woke me up at 5:00 in the morning. What are you going to do about this mac and cheese?
Julius: I sent Chris down to Doc's to get some more.
Rochelle: You sent Chris to look for macaroni and cheese on Thanksgiving? That's like trying to find candles on Hanukkah.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: Oh, don't throw that away. Is that burnt mac and cheese?
Julius: Yeah. Why?
Kill Moves: It's just the way I like it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He wants that blackaroni, 'cause he's on that crackaroni.

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