Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father knew that if my mother ever found that Playboy, he'd probably never see a naked woman again. Unfortunately, he couldn't find it either.

Rochelle: Julius, what are you doing?
Julius: Uh... Huh, I- I thought I saw a spider crawl under here, and I figured I'd better kill it before Drew saw it.
Rochelle: Oh, well, I'm going to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner. I'll get a can of bug spray, too.
Julius: Okay.
Rochelle: Did you fix the dresser yet?
Julius: Got the Crazy Glue right here.
Rochelle: Oh, good. You okay?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No.
Julius: Yeah.
Rochelle: Okay.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After my father found that money, he was scared to think what my mother might want to do with it.
[fantasy:]
Rochelle: I'm sick of you. I got my own money. I'm out of here, you cheap bastard!
Julius: [sobs] Baby. Don't leave me, baby. Don't leave.

Chris: Hey, any of you guys see my copy of Playboy?
Boy: It was here about ten minutes ago, but some eighth grader took it.
Greg: Hey, look over there.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They were huddled up like they were going to run the winning play at the Super Bowl.

Chris: What's all that bug's spray in the kitchen for?
Rochelle: There's a spider in your room.
Drew: There's a spider in my room? Can I sleep with you and Dad tonight until you guys catch it?
Rochelle: No. Your father will kill it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When Tonya discovered Drew was scared of spiders, she couldn't wait to use it against him.
Rochelle: Julius, can you make sure you kill the spider, please?
Julius: I might not be able to find it. Could be hiding in one of your shoes.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later that night I discovered my father knew his Playboy was missing.
Julius: Chris. You been in my toolbox?
Chris: No. Why?
Julius: Uh... nothing. Those tools will hurt you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If Miss June knew how much trouble she was causing, she wouldn't be smiling.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] He even started to grill Tonya.
Julius: Tonya, baby?
Tonya: [wakes up] Yes, Daddy?
Julius: Um... I love you.
Tonya: That's nice.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.
[Chris puts a Playboy magazine and a pack of gum on the counter]
Clerk: $3.50.
[When Chris hands over the money, the clerk takes the magazine and hands him the gum]
Clerk: Now get out of here, before I call a cop.
Chris: For what? You just robbed me! This don't cost $3.50.
Clerk: Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, Miss June was fine, but she wasn't worth going to jail.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I was going to get the Playboy back, there was only one way to do it.
Chris: I've got to steal it from the vice principal's office.
Greg: Dude, wait. That's burglary.
Chris: I know that. Do you want me to commit burglary or be a victim of murder?
Greg: Okay, but if we're going outside the law, we've got to do it right.

Chris: That's it then.
Greg: Every day she goes to lunch in the teachers' lounge after fifth period.
Chris: She smokes exactly three cigarettes, which takes 20 minutes.
Greg: All we have to do is get in, find the magazine, and get out before she gets back. Except we don't know where the magazine is.
Chris: Fischer told me it was in the bottom left-hand drawer of her desk. I hope he's right.
Greg: Don't worry, Fischer knows everything. What if we get caught?
Chris: Then we're dead.
Greg: I was really hoping you weren't gonna say that.
Chris: Don't worry. I'll go in and get it. It's my magazine. All you have to do is look out and give me a signal if you see anybody coming.
Greg: I hope this works.
Chris: Me, too.