Rochelle: Well, you ask me, Doc just dodged a bullet. She was nothing but a gold digger anyway.
Tonya: What's a gold digger?
Rochelle: It's a woman who's with an older man for his money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Isn't that an "old digger"?
Julius: Just because Doc has a little money doesn't make her a gold digger. Besides, what's wrong with Doc having a younger woman?
Rochelle: Is that what you're gonna say to me when I turn 60? You just gonna leave me and run off with a 35-year-old cashier? She should be about 12 right about now. Why don't you run out and buy her a plastic necklace?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Of the million things my father could've said at that moment, he chose the smartest one: nothing.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother found the bra in my father's sock drawer, she stared at it like the woman was still in it.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Over at Stacy's, I didn't know what was worse, having to confess what I had done or feeling like I was in the Bronx Zoo.
Stacy: So, what'd you want to talk to me about?
Chris: You got to give Doc another chance.
Stacy: Chris... Doc is a liar. And I know that you want to take up for him, but he doesn't deserve another chance. Ooh! He is like all the other men I've ever dated! He lied, they lied, because they're liars.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The story of the Bush Administration.
Chris: Doc's not like that.
Stacy: He is. Chris, don't grow up to be like that. No matter how much you think you may hurt a woman's feelings, you have to tell her the truth. She may hate you, she may burn down your house or pour bleach on your clothes, or attack your new girlfriend with ants or take every dime you make. She may scratch your car with a rake or use your home phone to call China long distance. Or she could put milk and detergent in your gas tank. Or put turpentine and nail polish remover and itching powder in your underwear. [2 hours later] She may glue your private parts to your leg. She may send an assassination threat to the president with your return address.

Rochelle: Okay, Tonya, talk to me.
Tonya: [sighs] W-Well, I saw these boys paying attention to girls who wear bras, so I stole Tasha's, because I wanted some of that attention, too.
Rochelle: Baby. Tonya, that's not the kind of attention that you want. You want boys to look at what's in your heart, not what's in your bra.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In my sister's case, they were both empty.
Rochelle: Tonya, you're moving too fast. I mean, you're not ready for this. What did you do, stick tissue in it?
Tonya: Yeah.
Rochelle: Okay, well Tonya, you having a bra is like you buying a saddle before you get the horse. You know, boys will pay attention to you, but they're not really looking at you, they're admiring your saddle. And- And- And when you do get the horse, then everything is different, because then you need the saddle.
Tonya: Wait, are we talking about bras or saddles?
Julius: [o.s.] Saddles!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wasn't pretty, but Doc had gotten his nights back with his queen.
Mr. Mervin Bingham: You know your king's in check?
Stacy: He most certainly is.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stacy was back with Doc and out of the store on weekends, which was all I ever wanted. Doc had said he was getting another cashier. Whoever it was, they would have to be better than Stacy.
Mr. Fong: Hey, Lionel Richie, you're late. Get busy. Scrub floor.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After I became the manager of Tattaglia's football team, I only had time to work at Doc's on the weekends. Working two days a week seemed like it was going to be a breeze, and then Doc got a girlfriend.
Doc: Hey, Chris, I want you to meet my new leading lady. Look-a here, look-a here. Stacy.
Chris: Hi.
Stacy: Hi.
Doc: She'll be taking over for me here on the weekends.
Stacy: Doc's told me so much about you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He didn't tell me a thing about you.
Chris: What do you mean, "taking over"?
Doc: Well, you know I can use a little time off.
Stacy: So I'll be minding the store. We'll get along great.
Doc: And you'll be working for a much better-looking boss.
Chris: Cool.
Doc: And remember, whatever she says goes.
Chris: Yeah, no problem.
Stacy: Are these cans always so dusty?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Problem.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stacy may have been a dream come true for Doc, but she turned out to be my worst nightmare.
Chris: There, all done.
Stacy: Chris, you did it all wrong! I want everything on the top to go on the bottom, and everything on the bottom to go on the top.
Chris: Why?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because she's crazy.
Stacy: Because I don't work for you, you work for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I told you she's crazy.
Stacy: And when you finish with that, I have some errands for you to run.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When she said I work for her, she meant it. I had to go for groceries, get her dry cleaning and mine her coal.
Stacy: And when you're done, go get me a new bird.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my father knew everything there was to know about having jobs, I decided to ask him what to do about Stacy.
Chris: Hey, Dad, you ever had a boss you didn't like?
Julius: I never had one I did like. Why? You having trouble with Doc?
Chris: Nah, I love Doc, it's his girlfriend who's...
Julius: Whoa, whoa. Son, stop right there. That's Doc's woman. Whether you like it or not, she's there to stay.
Chris: You think so?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Beatles didn't break up John and Yoko.
Julius: If it comes down to you or her, you're gonna be out of job. 'Cause if you have a problem with her, you're gonna have a problem with Doc.
Chris: But I've been on the job with Doc for years. She's been on the job for a month.
Julius: Let's just say you two do very different jobs.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Let's just say what he does to her, now she's doing to me.

Doc: Ah, Stacy, mm! That is one fine woman. Mm! I think she's a real keeper. Now, what is it you wanted to ask me?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Can you lend me money for a kidnapping?
Chris: Nothing. I just wondered how you guys met.
Doc: Well, that's a funny story.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But not so funny that we're gonna watch him while he tells it.

Vanessa: I know you. You the one been messing with Doc.
Stacy: I am not "messing" with Doc. We're a couple. And that's a little bit different than a mess.
Rochelle: Not too much.
Stacy: Excuse me?
Rochelle: You're excused.
Vanessa: Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. We can't help you.
Stacy: Yes, you are sorry. And you don't need to help me. You need to help yourself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know you are, but what am I?