Diane: Come on, doesn't anyone want to talk to Frasier? I mean, he's a trained psychiatrist.
Carla: Hey, you're the one who had her brain overhauled. Aren't you still under warranty or something?

Diane: No, I'm sorry. Come on. Sam, Sam, Sam. Do this for me, and I'll owe you a big, big favour that doesn't involve sex, sex or sex.
Sam: How about sex?
Diane: Or sex.

Frasier: Look, Sam, I know my bar bill's way up there, but I'm gonna be selling off part of my library, possibly some office furniture.
Sam: No, no, no, forget it. I mean, I want you to pay your bar bill, but that's not what I want to talk about. Um... Frasier, I got a problem. I'm depressed.
Frasier: Oh, hey, who isn't?
Sam: Oh, well, no, no, no. This is serious. I think I need some professional help on this one. I can't eat, can't sleep and... I can't have sex.
Frasier: Well, those are the classic symptoms.
Sam: Well, the sex part's not that bad. I don't even know why I brought it up.
Frasier: Well, what do you think has caused this problem?
Sam: The completely nonsexual one? Well, I don't know. I don't know. What do you think it is? You know, you're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.
Frasier: Well, okay, Sam, I think I have some advice for you.
Sam: Oh, good. What?
Frasier: Well, get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression. And when you do, give me his name.

Cliff: [o.s.] No way can a coyote survive a gunpowder sandwich.
Norm: [o.s.] Well, I suppose that proves that the coyote's the Antichrist.

Frasier: Sam, I had the most incredible evening. Last night, I dreamed about something not Diane. Well, she was in the background chattering on about something. Naked. But the important thing is I was a therapist again. And you were my patient, and we were discussing that problem.
Sam: Problem? What problem?
Frasier: Well, you know, the one about your...
Sam: [sings] Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way [talks] Why don't we just go into my office and talk about it there. I'm sorry it's so messy.

Frasier: I got home last night, and I couldn't get your problem out of my mind. I think I've got a handle on it.
Sam: Oh, well, great.
Frasier: Your whole problem stems from the fact that you're still in love with Diane. Now, you've been suppressing that emotion, denying it. Well, what's your opinion about that?
Sam: Let me go find out. I mean, let me think it out. I think better out here, more light.

Sam: Okay, you got it.
Frasier: Got what?
Sam: Oh, come on. We don't have to rehash this over and over again. You said it, and I agree with it.
Frasier: But trust me. Sam, say it. Take a step toward feeling stronger and better. Free yourself. Sam, say it now.
Sam: Okay. Okay. I love Diane.
Frasier: [wails] Oh, God, it's true.

Frasier: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: You're welcome. Are you all right?
Frasier: I'm better than all right. I'm reborn. That revelation was just the catharsis I needed. I've looked at the truth in its pure, undiluted form. Now I can get on with my life.

Sam: Well, for your information, he wants details. Every thought, every moment.
Diane: Oh, dear, you're right. Knowing Frasier, he'll want a complete account.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Diane: Well, it's still quite simple. Tell him you said, "Diane, I love you." I said, "How very sad for you." Then you said...
Sam: No, no, no. Whoa, whoa. This was your stupid plan. Now, if I have to be in love with you, then you have to be in love with me.
Diane: Oh, all right, if it'll help Frasier.
Sam: All right. So I love you, and you're gaga over me.
Diane: "Gaga" makes it sound like I'm more in love with you than you are with me. If we're going to do this, I want to be only as much in love with you as you are with me.
Sam: Okay, I love you, you love me.

Diane: Oh, how about this? Do you remember that romantic hideaway in Marblehead? The one with the fabulous seafood?
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: Tell him we arrived at sunset. The maitre d'- You better write this down.
Sam: Oh, I like this. All right. Sunset.
Diane: We asked for our table.
Sam: Yeah, right by the big fireplace.
Diane: With the ocean view.
Sam: Okay. Now, what did we eat?
Diane: He's not going to ask you what we ate.
Sam: Oh, we were too hungry to eat. Oh, that's good. That's good.
Diane: No, it's not good.
Sam: No, no, no. You see, hungry usually means food. Now, what I'm doing here...