Woody: Drinks are up.
Diane: Right away. I need a vodka Gibson, up, a bloody mary, a Johnnie Walker black, two Beck's, and change for a 20.
Woody: Change for a 20, Sam.
Sam: Damn! Carla's been on the phone for two hours here.
Diane: She probably got an obscene phone call and won't let him off.
Sam: Okay, five, ten, ten, 20.
Diane: Can you believe it, Sam? How far I've come? Right before your eyes, I've turned into a waitressing machine. Even in this pandemonium, I have everything perfectly under control.
[As Diane takes a tray of drinks to a table, a pair of men enter the bar and sit down at a table]
Diane: There you go. [to the men] And here's your change for the 20.
Man: Thank you. See what I mean? Always sit at her station.

Diane: Sam, I've got to get home and start preparing for that interview for the part-time job.
Sam: What interview?
Diane: You know, the teaching assistant at the college.
Sam: Oh, right. All right, go on, take off. Woody and I will take care of you here. Listen, don't fall in that same trap you did with Sumner.
Diane: Sam, my intimate relationship with Sumner had nothing to do with the fact that I was his teaching assistant. Sumner took advantage of a naive young coed. I have learned since then, from bitter experience. I am older, wiser, and I have a lot more units under my belt.

Woody: [answers the phone] Cheers. Just a minute. [looks around]
Cliff: Uh, who you looking for?
Woody: Some girl wants to talk to the outlaw of love.
Al: She tracked me down.
Anthony: Hey, hey, that's Annie. That's Annie. Let me have it.
Sam: [takes the phone] Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's fine, Annie, and he'll call you tomorrow. Yes, he's still a hunk. Okay, I will. Good night. [hangs up]
Al: I owe you one, Sam.

Professor Moffat: This looks excellent, Miss Chambers. I'd have to say, on the basis of this resume, that you're my leading candidate.
Diane: Oh, I can't tell you how thrilled I am. I think you're the best in your department, and I'd love to work with you.
Professor Moffat: Well, good. Now, I do have to interview a couple of people tomorrow, but I'll be letting you know anon.
Diane: [British accent] Terribly good to hear the King's English.
Professor Moffat: Oh, by the way, I got an excellent recommendation for you.
Diane: Recommendation?
Professor Moffat: From Sumner Sloane. He's a colleague of mine. You used to work for him, right?
Diane: That's right. How nice of him. Lovely man, Sumner.
Professor Moffat: He gave you very high marks.

Sam: Hey, how's Anthony doing, Carla? I hope he didn't break little Annie's heart. But then again, he did see life in the Sammy lane. [Carla glares at Sam] Oh, how do you do that? How do you make your eyes shake like that? [Carla grabs Sam by the collar]
Carla: Anthony's talking about getting married! [she pushes Sam over]
Sam: I don't know what happened after he left here, but up until that point, Annie had "Destination Dump City" written all over her.
Carla: Yeah, well, he said he'd only been thinking about getting married until last night when you changed his mind. No way did he want to end up, and I quote, "A lonely old skirt-chaser like Sam."
Norm: Blasphemy.

Anthony: But I'll tell you this, Ma: If I don't get your consent, I'll get his, because one way or another, I am marrying Annie. And I was hoping that I could have Annie as my lovely wife and still keep my mother. Ma, don't make me make a choice.
Carla: Come on, Anthony, you don't mean that.
Annie: He's a proud man, Mrs Tortelli. I guess that's why I love him more than any man I've ever known.
Anthony: Isn't she great, Ma?
Carla: Yeah. I'm not losing a son, I'm gaining your face. [Sam holds Carla back as she lunges at Annie]
Anthony: You're not making any points here, Ma.
Carla: What am I supposed to do, Sam?
Sam: Just calm down.
Carla: I gotta stop this. I can't believe they're serious.
Sam: I can't believe that any son of Nick Tortelli would even think about getting married without a bun in some oven.
Carla: Sam, Sammy! That is the answer! Listen, listen. Anthony is a Tortelli man, right? Now, all Tortelli men are scum. Ergo, given time, his eye will wander, and the rest of his slimy body will follow.

Annie: Come on, Mrs. Tortelli, we haven't got all day. I have to clean my room before dinner.
Carla: I just don't see what your hurry is. I mean, why don't you two have a little engagement period, huh? I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. Give me two weeks.
Anthony: What do you mean?
Carla: You two stay totally apart. Don't see each other, don't talk to each other, don't send messages for two weeks. Then, at that time, if you still want to get married, I'll give you my blessing.
Annie: That's all we have to do?
Anthony: That's all?
Anthony: I'll die.
Annie: Our burning love will keep you alive, Anthony.
Anthony: I don't know.
Carla: What's the matter, Anthony? You afraid? Listen, if you don't think your love is strong enough...
Anthony: Oh, no, no. We ain't afraid of nothing. Okay, you got it. But we come back here in two weeks and we're even more sure.

Annie: And after that we'll be together, forever and ever.
Anthony: You mean like through eternity?
Annie: No, like through the weekend, momar.
Anthony: [chuckles] I'm gonna be heartsick missing you. [they swap their chewing gum]
Norm: Yuck. That is the most childish, unsanitary thing I've ever seen in my life.
Cliff: Boy, I'll say. Don't they realize that gum is a breeding ground for cooties?

Carla: Anthony, would you get away from the window? You're fogging up the glass with your lovesick breath.
Anthony: Don't be such a grump, Ma. I warned you my feelings wouldn't change. Not in two weeks, not in two years. You blew it.
Carla: I'm dead meat, Sam.
Sam: I thought you had this figured out, logically.
Carla: Yeah, well, he never went out of the damn house. How's he supposed to have his head turned by another woman if he never saw one? He just locked himself in a room, and he never came out except for hot meals and cold showers.
Sam: So you gonna sign the consent?
Carla: What else can I do? They kept their end of the bargain.

Annie: Well, Mrs. Tortelli, it's been two weeks. I think it's still clear that Anthony and I are very much in love and wanna get married. Right, Anthony?
Anthony: That's right. Here's the form, Ma. You said you would sign it.
Carla: You're too damn young, Anthony. Please, this is the worst mistake anybody could make. Believe me, I made it.
Anthony: You gave your word.
Carla: Yeah, I did, didn't l?