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‘Diane's Nightmare’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Diane's Nightmare

405. Diane's Nightmare

Aired October 31, 1985

Diane has a terrible nightmare that her homicidal blind date, Andy, has returned.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: That's it, time's up. What do you got? You first.
Woody: I've got "reap," "pear" and "ear."
Cliff: Well, I'm sorry, Woody. I got those too, so it cancels yours out. But I've also got "flork," "ferd" and "snot."
Sam: Come on, man, there's no such word as "flork."
Cliff: What are you talking about? You know those little flags on the mailboxes? What do you think holds them on?
Woody: Gee, Mr. Clavin, you're so smart I don't even know why I bother playing with you. You always win.
Cliff: You know what I say, Woody? You just gotta be tenacious, just like the great horned "muren." Hey, well, besides, you almost beat me in the last game.
Woody: Yeah, just missed by a cat's "pleck."
Cliff: Yep.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That's funny. I was about to ask you the same thing.
Cliff: Hey, some storm, huh?
Norm: Yeah. If I don't get home to Vera soon, that road's gonna be closed. Say about another half hour or so ought to do it.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Diane, I heard screams.
Diane: Oh, well, I dreamt I was being murdered.
Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Diane: No.
Carla: Was I helping in any way?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam? Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.
Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest. It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?
Sam: I think you heard me.
Diane: Yes, but you said it.
Sam: Well, perhaps in his pithy way, Blake said it best. Oh, yes. And throughout eternity I forgive you, and you forgive me.
Diane: I can't believe my ears.
Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. [puts on a velvet smoking jacket] You really didn't believe that buffoonish facade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele, did you? [smokes pipe]

Quote from Diane

Sam: Perhaps a spot of chamomile tea would calm you down. [removes a tea set from his desk] There you go. Please. Careful.
Diane: Sam, I never found you so attractive.
Sam: Oh, well, how nice. Listen, before we take this any further, would you mind sitting down? I'd love to play you a little something from an opera that I've been writing. It's-- It's based on the Old Testament. It combines the brooding intensity of Mahler with the pesky insouciance of Poulenc, and it goes something like this. [plays the keyboard]
Diane: Sam? Sam? Take me. Now. I want you. Put the keyboard away, and let me be the instrument you play on.
Sam: Diane?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Do you realize you just ended that proposition with a preposition?
Diane: Just have me. Have me. [they kiss]

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Boy, that's some storm out there tonight, huh, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: Well, to the layman perhaps, Woody. But in my profession we have a saying: "Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night shall stay this courier from the swift completion of his appointed rounds."
Tim: [enters] Cliff, my car is stalled outside. How about getting me your jumper cables?
Cliff: What, and catch my death? Hit the bricks.
Tim: Appreciate it.

Quote from Woody

Carla: Sam, table six wants a bottle of the house red.
Sam: Woody, would you mind going down to the wine cellar and getting some more, please?
Woody: Of course not. You know, I used to be afraid of the dark, but I got myself over it.
Sam: Oh, yeah? How'd you do that?
Woody: Oh, well, I just shut my eyes and pretended it wasn't there.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Kind of a spooky night, huh?
Diane: Sam, how can you be so calm knowing this man is free? You've never taken him seriously. Just because he smiles at you with that pink-cheeked, round kewpie doll face and says, "Hi there," you think he's harmless. Well, he's not. He's a cold-blooded homicidal maniac.
Sam: Hey, no guy is gonna walk in here into this brightly lit bar and attack you. [thunder; the lights go out] Probably not in a dark one either.
Diane: Oh, Sam!
Sam: What? Now, come on, everybody, just relax here. I got candles now.
Norm: That's right, everybody, just keep calm, all right? I mean, no reason to panic here. Sammy, those taps operate when the power is out, don't they?

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Is Andy cured, or isn't he?
Frasier: Well, Sam, a trained psychiatrist never uses the term "cured." Unless we're talking about ham. [laughs]
Sam: That's pretty good.
Frasier: No, to wax serious, Andy's progress has been remarkable, and, well, I'll-- I'll vouch for his stability.
Sam: Well, then I say let's help him. I mean, we'll be giving both of them a new chance on life there.
Frasier: By George, Sam, sometimes out of the mouths of babes.
Sam: No, let's not talk women now.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Okay, guys, time's almost up.
Woody: How do they expect you to form words with all the letters mixed up like that?
Cliff: That's the point of the game, Woody.

Quote from Frasier

Carla: Hey, Sam, where's Diane?
Sam: She's been burning the midnight oil, studying for exams. I'm letting her catch a few winks in the office.
Carla: She couldn't catch winks if she walked naked through a troop train.
Frasier: Say, I wonder if she's dreaming about me. Fat chance.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Wine cellar? Since when have we had a wine cellar? Vodka rocks, please.
Sam: On your day off, I had a couple of workers checking the plumbing, and they discovered that there was a staircase behind the wall in the closet there.
Diane: That's amazing. You mean it's just been there all this time?
Sam: Yeah. A long time ago, when this was just a private house here, the owners used to keep their crazy old grandmother down there. They say that if you're real quiet, you can hear her chains rattle. Supposedly, she swore to seek vengeance on blond waitresses. Mwuah!
Diane: Very funny.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sam, where's the paper? I wanna see what they say about the storm.
Sam: Woody had it a minute ago. Where is he anyway?
Carla: Ah, better go check on him. It's been a whole week since I taught him how to climb stairs.

Quote from Norm

Norm: I'll take that, Sammy. I told Vera I'd check for double coupons.
Diane: Oh, Norman, that's very sweet.
Norm: Yeah, you know, Diane, marriage is a full-time job. Oh, hey, Diane. Remember that lunatic that tried to strangle you while you were doing that scene from Othello up there?
Sam: Oh, yeah, what was his name? Andy Schroeder?
Norm: There he is.
Diane: What about him?
Norm: It says here that he escaped from the state- [Diane screams] Whoa, she does remember him.
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: Anyway, it says here he could be dangerous. I don't know.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Sam, didn't you hear that? Andy-Andy, the man who tried to kill me, is loose.
Sam: Hey, calm down. No lunatic's gonna go out on a night like this. He'd have to be nuts. [thunder] Boy, I hope my new wine cellar stays dry. Where are those guys anyway?
Cliff: I'll go investigate for you, Sammy.
Sam: Thank you.
Cliff: Yeah, I've been anxious to check out your salon de vin anyway. Hey, look, if I'm any more than five minutes, send down some cheese and [mock-French pronunciation] crackers, huh?

Quote from Sam

Diane: All right, that's it. I'm calling the power company. God, Sam, the phone is dead.
Sam: Oh, you're kidding. Wow, no phone, no power. Cut off from the outside world on a stormy night with a homicidal maniac on the loose. Isn't that always just the way? [Norm screams]
Diane: God, that was Norman! What's happening?
Sam: Oh, come on, whoa! You are such a sucker. Don't you see what's happening? They know you found out about Andy, and they're just trying to scare you to death. Why don't you go down there and just get it over with?

Quote from Sam

Sam: What? What?
Diane: Oh, God. I just had the worst nightmare of my entire life. By the way, Sam, you were beastly to me.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, how was l?
Diane: You weren't in it.
Frasier: Of course.
Sam: Beastly? Can you be specific? [off Diane's look] All right.
Frasier: Sam, l-- I don't think Diane's dreams are anything you should be meddling in.
Sam: Hmm. Maybe you're right. Starring in them is enough, I guess.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You were having another one of those dreams, weren't you?
Diane: Yes. But it wasn't as bad this time.
Frasier: Diane, you've got to stop this nonsense about Andy-Andy. You've been dreaming about him for months now, since you found out he was released from the state mental hospital.
Diane: Can you blame me? The man tried to kill me, Frasier.
Frasier: Look, Diane. Listen, I've-- I've talked with him.
Diane: You what?
Frasier: Yes, as soon as you started having those dreams, I found out where Andy was living, and I went to see him. I wanted to learn if your fears were unfounded, and, believe me, they are, Diane. I've counselled him for several weeks now, and his progress has been remarkable.
Diane: Frasier, I don't believe this.
Frasier: I want you to confront this fear. I mean, just talk to the man.
Diane: Never. Never, never, never!
Frasier: Diane, I sense resistance.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Sam, I'm still a bit shaken up.May I have the rest of the evening off, please?
Sam: You bet.
Diane: Thank you.
Carla: She came in, she fell asleep, and now she's going home.
Frasier: Diane, what you need now is a little TLC. Tender, loving Crane.
Diane: Well, thanks anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine. After that nightmare, maybe now I can sleep through the night without being haunted by that homicidal cherub.
Frasier: Listen, at least let me drive you home. When you're this close to hysteria, you need the calming influence of a strong and mature man. [opens the door]
Andy: Hi, there.
[Frasier screams, followed by Andy, followed by Diane]

Quote from Norm

Andy: Well, then maybe you can help me. I've fallen in love with a wonderful girl, and we're going to get married. And I'd like you to meet her. There's just one hitch.
Norm: You killed her.
Sam: Hey, hey.
Andy: She-- She doesn't know about my prison background. So I've-- I've told her a few tiny fibs. Like I have friends and a life. And I've adopted you people to be it. She's coming here to meet you all, and I hope you'll back me up.
Frasier: l-- I don't know about this, Andrew.
Diane: I disapprove.
Norm: Well, wait a second now. If I could just throw in my two cents worth here, I really couldn't give a damn one way or the other.

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