Sam: So Anthony has got himself a girlfriend, huh?
Carla: Oh, it's sickening, Sam. Everyday it's, "Annie this. Annie that." Walks around the apartment all moony-eyed. I think my kid's turned into a weenie.
Cliff: Well, don't be too hard on the lad, Carla. You know, men will do some pretty strange things to have a woman by their side.
Carla: In your case, inflate one.

Diane: High marks? What exactly did you mean by that?
Professor Moffat: Well, among other things, that you have an unbridled enthusiasm.
Diane: Ah. I see. Goodbye. [exits and immediately returns] I'm a little unclear on "enthusiasm."
Professor Moffat: Well, enthusiasm: That you don't mind taking on extra duties and working overtime, if necessary.
Diane: Of course that's what he meant. What else could he mean? Goodbye. [exits and returns] I will not sleep with you!
Professor Moffat: What?
Diane: Oh, my God, I can't believe I said that.
Professor Moffat: I think that concludes our interview.
Diane: Dr. Moffat, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't for a moment mean to imply that you want to have sex with me. I'm sure that's the farthest thing from your mind. Not that you don't have a healthy interest in sex. I'm sure you think about it all the time. Well, not all the time. You're not obsessed. But when it comes to sex, I'm sure you could hold your own with a man half your age. That's not to say that you like young men. Or any men. Not that any man wouldn't be happy to have you. As would any woman. Except me. Although, I could be. But I'm not. But that's not saying that I couldn't be. This just isn't the time or the place or the circumstance. But by that, I'm certainly not saying that you're flabby. Why did I say that? This isn't going well, is it?

Cliff: Hey, Carla, I got a potato here looks just like Richard Nixon.
Carla: Big deal. Find one that doesn't, then get back to me.

Sam: We were really hopping around here a couple hours ago, you know.
Carla: So why didn't you call me sooner?
Sam: I tried to, but your phone was busy.
Carla: Oh, sorry. My oldest must have been talking to his girlfriend. Where's Diane anyway?
Sam: Oh, I gave her the night off. She's trying to interview for a TA job down at the college.
Carla: She'll never get it. She's a big A with no Ts.

Anthony: I'll tell you, just between you and me... I mean, you don't tell my ma. Me and Annie, we're talking about getting married.
Sam: What? You get her pregnant?
Anthony: Oh, she ain't pregnant! We think that sex before marriage is a sin.
Norm: Afterwards, it's just one more damn thing to take your pants off for, you know?

Sam: Anthony, you don't know what you're doing. I mean, look at me, will you? I'm single. I've got a great life going here. Look, most guys go through their entire life with only one woman.
Anthony: Yeah.
Sam: I got three under Q.
Anthony: This whole book is women?
Sam: This book and my life. Tell you what pick a name, any name. I'm gonna show you what a no-strings good time I got at my fingertips here. Go ahead. Any name.
Anthony: Beth Hollister.
Sam: Beth Hollister. All right. Very good choice. It's a toll call, but it's worth it. [on the phone] Hey, Beth? Hi, it's Sam Malone. Yeah. Yeah, well, I know it's been a long time. That's why I'm calling. I thought maybe we'd get together tonight. Oh, no. Well, is it something you can put off until later? No, no, no. No, I wouldn't want you to miss your first Weight Watchers meeting. Uh, tomorrow? Me? Well God, Beth, I think my appendix just burst. Will you excuse me? [hangs up] Being single means you gotta think fast on your feet.

Sam: Go ahead. Pick another name. Any name.
Anthony: Candy. Candy Simpson.
Sam: Candy Simpson. Come to Papa. All right. You're good, kid. Then again, so is Candy. [on the phone] Hi, is Candy in? Candy. Sam Malone. Yeah, you remember me? Yeah, all right. You still into hot fudge sundaes for breakfast? You're not? Oh, hell, I'm on the wrong page here. Listen, uh, what I want... What I want to say here, Candy is I want you. Yeah. Well, there you go. Uh, will you excuse me for a minute? This is getting kind of hot. I'm gonna take this in my office. Woody, you wanna hang that up? [to Anthony] Just make yourself comfortable there.
Woody: That guy's got a great life, doesn't he?
Anthony: Great? He's got no one to come home to, nobody to care about, and no reason to even get up in the morning.
Woody: And he drives a Corvette.

Anthony: Look, Ma, I don't like us being all mad at each other. You know I love you. So let's be buds.
Carla: What do you want?
Anthony: I don't want nothing. Except for you to sign this consent form, Ma.
Carla: Consent? You want me to sign a consent form?
Anthony: Yeah. Annie's parents already agreed to sign it, Ma.
Carla: Sure, no problem. [crunches the paper up and throws it at Anthony] I'll sign a consent form. This is my new way of signing my name.
Anthony: Ma!
Carla: No! You're only 16.
Anthony: You were pregnant when you were 16.
Carla: Yeah, but I wasn't stupid enough to be married.

Annie: Come on, Anthony. Let's just take the bus to Jersey to see your old man. You only need one parent's permission.
Anthony: Oh, forget him. My father's a bum.
Carla: Hey, don't you talk about your father that way.
Anthony: Okay, he's a sleazy bum.
Carla: That's better.

Sam: Anthony, consider yourself kissed good night. Okay, you want that root beer, huh?
Anthony: Great. That's me and Annie's favorite. She loves it when I make it come out my nose.
Sam: Yeah, I know. That always works for me too. Listen, Anthony. l know you like Annie a lot-
Anthony: Oh, no. I love her.
Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word: tennis, and when he's already paid for the room. You know what I mean?