Sam: I bet you're wondering why I ordered two of everything when there's only me up here, huh?
Waiter: Uh, no, not really.
Sam: Well, actually, it's 'cause I want to give the impression that there are two people in the room.
Waiter: Well, you fooled me.
Sam: Oh. Good, good, good. Where are my hot fudge sundaes?
Waiter: I couldn't fit 'em on the tray. I'll be right back up.
Sam: All right. Great, great. Uh, make sure you parade around the lobby a couple of times before you bring 'em on up. Will ya?
Waiter: Sure.

Diane: Sam, what do you think of Vivaldi at the ceremony?
Sam: You can invite anybody you want. I don't care. I'm not going to be- As a matter of fact, nobody's going to be there 'cause there's not going to be a wedding, but if you want to work here, that's fine. You got my blessings.
Diane: I'm glad you've come around to see the wisdom of it.
Sam: Oh, there's wisdom in it. There's tons of wisdom. Let me tell you why. I want you to have a front-row seat here for all the luscious babes I'm going to have marching through here every night. As a matter of fact, from now on, it's casaba city, and you're looking at the mayor.
Diane: You'll pardon me if I don't refer to you as "Your Honor."
Sam: You know, I'm going down to the Cape this weekend for a little R&R. That's Rhonda and room service. [all hooting]
Diane: I love the Cape. We spent so many happy hours there. Sightseeing, talking...
Sam: Yeah, well, Rhonda and I aren't going to have any time for sightseeing. We're going to be just coming up for air long enough to order some of that fish head soup.
Diane: Bouillabaisse.
Sam: No, I mean it.

Sam: [on the phone] Oh, hey, Rhonda. I was just talking about you. Oh, oh, no, don't do this to me. Well can't you be born again on Monday?

Cliff: Hey, uh, Sammy, don't let Diane hear about Rhonda. She'll load that info into her shotgun and take aim, huh?
Sam: Yeah, no one is going to ruin Sam Malone's weekend, no matter what Diane says. [dials the phone] Yeah, hello, Vicki? Yeah, it's Sam Malone. Yeah, yeah, listen, uh, how, how does the idea of, uh, 48 hours of sun and surf up at the Cape grab ya? Oh, yeah? Well, if that grabs ya, how's the idea of me grabbing you grab you? Yeah, all right. All right. Yeah, me, too. Okay, l, I'll see ya in about two hours then, Vicki. All right. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
Cliff: Yeah.
Diane: I thought her name was Rhonda.
Sam: Well, uh... Rhonda canceled. But that's good. That's good because I like, I like Vicki better than Rhonda. As a matter of fact, I kind of hope that, that Vicki cancels because I have somebody even better waiting in the wings.
Diane: I know. Me.
Sam: No, no, not you.

Waiter: Have you decided?
Sam: What'll you have?
Vicki: Ah, what's the Catch of the Day?
Sam: You mean besides me? [laughs] Ah, this is great. Isn't this great? We're having fun, right.

Sam: You know, someone tried to convince me that this weekend was going to be a total disaster.
Vicki: Really? Who?
Sam: That person right there!
Diane: Sam!

Diane: What a surprise. Hello.
Vicki: Hello. I'm Vicki.
Diane: I'm...
Sam: Leaving immediately.
Diane: Diane. Are you enjoying your weekend?
Sam: Of course she's enjoying her weekend. It's a fantastic weekend.
Diane: Did you notice your table's all wet?
Sam: That's 'cause we want it that way. As a matter of fact, we ordered it wet. Hey, you know, I think it's drying out a little bit, don't you? Here you go. [pours water on the table] That's better.

Vicki: Sam, I'm afraid I have to leave.
Sam: Oh, God, no, don't say that, please.
Vicki: I'm sorry. Look, that was my sister on the phone. Our grandmother's ill. I have to fly to Idaho.
Sam: Why? You're not a doctor.

Sam: What, again, Vicki? Boy, even rabbits take a break to eat.
Manager: [to the waiter] When you're finished there, go upstairs and help the lady in Mr.
Malone's room with her bags.
Waiter: She's checking out?
Manager: Her grandmother's ill.
Diane: [laughs] ... I'd heard she was dead. It's nice to know she's just sick.

Woman: [on TV] Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.
Sam: A vowel? There are only two spaces left. She wants to buy a vowel. Where do they get these people?