Sam: [answers phone] Hello.
Diane: Hi, Sam. How's it going up there?
Sam: Uh, fine. Fine. [giggles] Oh, don't do that, Vicki. I'm ticklish.
Diane: Sam, I feel an apology is in order. I may have made your friend Vicki a bit uncomfortable earlier today.
Sam: Well, she's plenty comfortable right now, so, uh, I'll pass on her message. Bye-bye, Diane.
Diane: No, no, Sam. I wouldn't feel right unless I expressed my feelings personally. Let me speak with her, please.
Sam: Shoot. She's in the, uh, the bathroom right now.
Diane: She's tickling you from the bathroom?
Sam: Well, she just went in there. She she always runs into the bathroom after she tickles me.
Diane: Perhaps it's nausea. Sam, l, I really want to apologize to her face-to-face. I'll be right up.
Sam: No, no, no, no, don't- [line disconnects]

Sam: Oh, good, good, good. Do me a favor, will ya? I'll pay you $50.
Man: I beg your pardon.
Woman: Let's go, Harvey.
Sam: No, no, no, please. No funny stuff at all. Uh, come, come on now. You'll be saving my life here. Come, come on in. Come in.
Man: Now hold it now. Just a minute here.
Sam: I promise you. No weird stuff. I just want your wife to go in the bathroom and make some noises.
Woman: What kind of noises?
Sam: I don't know, uh woman kind of stuff. Like you're getting all dolled up for some hot action.
Woman: What does that sound like?
Sam: Uh, eh, I don't know. Whatever you and Harvey do... Never mind. Never mind. Just, uh... Here you go. $50.

Diane: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hey.
Diane: Where's Vicki?
Sam: She's, uh, still in the bathroom.
Diane: Well, I'll just wait. Huh?
Sam: No, uh... You know, um this could take a little while here. Why don't you, uh, why don't you just yell your apologies through the door here?
Diane: Oh, that's silly. I'll be here all weekend. I can certainly wait. [woman laughing]
Diane: She sure is busy.
Man: [opens the bathroom door] Is that enough or should we snap some towels? [Sam closes the door]
Sam: It's the, uh, bathroom inspector. It's a new thing.

Diane: Sam, let's call an end to this nonsense right now. I don't care how rough you were on her; that is not Vicki. See, I know Vicki left. I've known all along.
Sam: And you let me go through this whole stupid act?
Diane: Well, I wanted to see how far you'd go-- ordering two sets of meals, leaving empty bottles of Vitamin E outside your door...
Sam: Yeah, well, what about you? You know, coming all the way up here to spy on me?
Diane: Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Sam: Yeah?
Diane: [sighs] What's the use? We both look like imbeciles. All we do is find new ways to humiliate each other. I humiliate you by saying "no" to your sweet proposal. You humiliate me by rejecting my retraction. You carry off this ridiculous charade. I spy on you in hotel rooms. It's become sick and degrading. And, quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to be a part of it, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, well, I'm not too thrilled you're part of it either.

Waiter: Here you go, pal.
Sam: Oh. [the waiter hands Sam the bill] Oh, yeah, yeah. I guess this all looks pretty weird, doesn't it?
Waiter: Oh, nothing I haven't seen before.
[The man and his wife emerge from the bathroom]
Man: I believe you owe us $50.
Waiter: Now there's a new one.

Diane: By the way, I suppose I owe you an apology for being here this weekend. In retrospect, I guess it was probably a mistake.
Sam: Probably?
Diane: I'd say "definitely" if you were to admit that it was a mistake to flaunt your date in front of me.
Sam: Apology accepted. Boy, you know the one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.
Diane: I'm the only one here.
Sam: Well, you're looking at me.
Diane: Then you can either join me or I can eat with my eyes closed.
Sam: Well, I hate to have you butter your knuckles.
Diane: Sam, you know what I remember most about being here before?
Sam: Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, I think the salt air gives me extra stamina.
Diane: Actually, I was thinking of the Clams Oregano, but now that you mention it, I did enjoy the... salt air.

Sam: Let's go.
Diane: Yes, this is the perfect moment. But it is with the understanding, isn't it, of what this step we're about to take means?
Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem. If they give us any trouble, I'll just pay for both rooms.
Diane: What it means between us.
Sam: Oh, now wait, listen. Listen.
Diane: No, it has to mean something, Sam.
Sam: I'm only gonna agree to do this if, if we agree that it doesn't mean anything.
Diane: How can our lovemaking not mean something?
Sam: Well, it's easy. Just concentrate.

Sam: All right. Come on. Let's go.
Diane: No.
Sam: What do you mean "no"? Oh, all right, I see what you doing. That's good. That's, that's very funny. That's... [chuckles] All right. Come on.
Diane: No, the only place I'm going is home.
Sam: You know, it's very funny. I laughed. The joke's over.
Diane: Sam, this is the wrong time for physical dalliance. It's too soon. If we rush into a physical encounter now, we might ruin the much more important nuptial consummation coming up.
Sam: Smell the old salt air.
Diane: Sam, please. This is nothing to worry about. We're on the right course. When we're married, you'll be happy we waited. Really, this is nothing to be upset about. Bye-bye.
Sam: Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. I mean, it's perfect. You said someone was gonna ruin this weekend, but now I'm really gonna have some fun here. Shoot.
Waiter: Did we lose another one? [Sam groans]

Sam: Oh, it's you.
Diane: Small world.
Sam: Mm.
Diane: I thought I was eating late enough to avoid seeing you.
Sam: Me, too. The only reason why I waited so long to eat.
Diane: Oh, I thought perhaps it was because you've been eating for two. [sighs] I'm kind of glad you're here. I've been sitting here driving myself crazy. When we used to come here, wasn't there a lobster trap out in the lobby?
Sam: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess the lobsters finally wised up and starting coming through the kitchen.