Sam: Hey, guys, would you help me study for this quiz? I mean, maybe you could just go over the facts with me or something?
Cliff: [goofy voice] Oh, I don't know. I'm sorry, Sam. I think we're too dumb to help. Don't you, Norm?
Norm: [goofy voice] I didn't even understand the question, Cliffie. I want to go home, I think.
Cliff: I'll go home. Yeah, left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. [laughs]
Norm: I can't even do that.
Cliff: Let's go home, Norm. [goofy chuckle]

Diane: Sam, if you want me to cancel out, I will.
Sam: No, it's too late. You can't help me. I'm going to fail this exam. Gee, I wonder if Miss Purdy's still naked.

Coach: OK, Sam, I'll help you. You're always messing up and I'm always bailing you out. You mess it up and I bail you out. It's getting a little boring. I'm telling you.
Sam: Thanks, Coach.
Coach: Don't you think it's getting a little boring, Sam?
Sam: Yes, Coach.

Coach: Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Malone is now a high school graduate.
Diane: Yes. [applause] Congratulations.
Sam: For what?
Diane: You passed.
Sam: Yeah, a D as in dumb.
Diane: A D as in diploma. An honest D is better than a tainted A.
Sam: Boy, I tell you, I may have my diploma, but I sure feel dumber than ever. I studied myself hoarse for that exam and still I got a D.
Diane: Oh, Sam, you only had one night to study.
Sam: Ah, it wouldn't make any difference. My brain doesn't work like yours does. I can't learn things.

Diane: Sam, some people may be better students than others, but you have street smart, savvy-
Sam: Common sense.
Diane: That's right. Just because you can't remember Pierre is the capital of North Dakota doesn't mean that you should feel at all-
Sam: Wait a minute. Say that again.
Diane: What?
Sam: The capital of North Dakota.
Diane: Pierre.
Sam: No, it isn't. It's Bismarck.
Diane: Oh, Pierre, South Da- Well, what difference does it make? The point is you have earned your-
Sam: Pierre? I can't believe this. North Dakota, Pierre?

Diane: Sam, I'm going to tell you what you have to do. Now, I know you won't like it, but you have to-
Sam: Call Miss Purdy and tell her I want an honest grade.
Diane: Call- Sit up straight!