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Teacher's Pet

‘Teacher's Pet’

Season 3, Episode 16 -  Aired January 31, 1985

When Sam starts taking high school classes to finally get his diploma, he stumbles upon a way to get good grades without studying.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sam, why does a guy like you want to go back to high school? I mean, you got everything a man could want. And you dumped the one thing no man wants.

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Quote from Carla

Diane: I can't believe he's sunk to these depths. I curse the day I ever walked into this bar.
Carla: Then it's unanimous.

Quote from Diane

Sam: I guess that just leaves you and me, huh?
Diane: Oh, dear, Sam. This is a problem. Frasier and I have tickets for a piece of experimental theatre tonight. I feel obligated to go because the last act takes place in Frasier's living room.
Sam: Well, I'd hate to have you miss that.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Cliffie, I thought you were going to get your ears done today.
Cliff: Ah, well, I decided this is the way God made me, and who am I to question His judgement?
Norm: You were wrong about the insurance company covering it?
Cliff: Mostly that.

Quote from Diane

Diane: What do you have there, Sam?
Carla: Looks like books.
Sam: Yeah, I guess you could call them books. There's something I've been meaning to read.
Diane: Ah, why don't you open one up so we can all see the little gingerbread house pop out?
Coach: Well, you wasted your money on that one, Sam. You'll be disappointed with the ending.

Quote from Diane

Diane: This is exciting news. Our Sammy is going to attain his Bachelor of what? Art? Sciences?
Sam: High school.
Diane: His Bachelor... High school?! What?
Sam: Yeah, I never graduated from high school. You know, in my senior year I got a contract to play Class A ball. Spring training didn't start until February and school didn't get out until June.
Diane: High school.
Sam: Yeah, I always promised my parents I'd go back and finish. She was a lot happier about this in the other room.
Diane: I spent a year of my life being defiled by Dobie Gillis. I'm terribly sorry. I just assumed you meant college.
Sam: Oh, I plan to go to college, too.
Diane: Well, good. Let me know when you get there so I can go out of the house without a veil.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I can't do that, Diane. I'm not prepared to take the exam.
Diane: Well, Coach will help you. Oh, Sam, you started out with such noble intentions. I hate to see you end up like this.
Sam: Yeah, I know you're right. Well, maybe, right after I take the exam, then I'll call her. [Diane picks up the phone] Oh, Come on... Maybe with Coach's help, I can get by. [on the phone] Hello, Miss Purdy? It's little Sammy Malone from the third row. Yeah, listen, Alana, about school, I had this crazy thought. I'm even embarrassed to mention it. But do you think maybe our relationship is in any way affecting the marks I've been getting? You know, like making you unconsciously change some of- What? You are? Well, that's nice, but... Me? Uh, yeah, I'm naked, too.
Diane: Sounds like we're ready for the class photo.
Sam: No, there's no one here. It was an insect, but I killed it. Listen, I'm serious about this. I would like my grade to be based on my knowledge of geography. No, I mean it. Did I say something funny? Yeah, well, when you see the results of my tests, you're going to be laughing out the other side of your hemisphere. If you'll excuse me, I've got some studying to do. Whoa, is there anything in particular I should cram? All right, okay, but just remember, I gave you that one as a going-away present. [hangs up] Boy, that lady has got a mean mouth on her for a 73-year-old. [off Diane's look] I was joking, I was joking!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Coach, what's the capital of North Dakota?
Coach: Easy. Bismarck.
Sam: She thinks it's Pierre. [laughter]
Diane: All right, I may have inadvertently switched the two.
Sam: Oregon. Give me the capital of Oregon.
Diane: Portland.
Sam: No, it isn't. It's Eugene.
Diane: Oh, I knew that. It just slipped my mind.
Sam: No, it isn't Eugene. It's Salem. [laughter] Do you believe this?
Diane: [to herself] Ignorance is bliss. This is Eden.

Quote from Coach

Coach: [sings] Taiwan, Taiwan on the sea That China Sea

Quote from Sam

Diane: Well, there's one sure way to ascertain whether he's drinking. I will smell his breath. [knocks on Sam's door]
Sam: [o.s.] Go away.
Diane: Sam, it's Diane.
Sam: [o.s.] Go far away.

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