Diane: The man's a quack. Imagine he had the nerve to say that Sam and I shouldn't get married. [in British accent] That we have absolutely nothing in common.
Norm: Excuse me, Diane. What exactly do you two have in common?
Diane: Well, we...
Carla: Wait a minute. Somebody suggesting Sam and Diane aren't right for each other. Now, where have I heard that be... Of course. My prayers.
Sam: What are we gone do?
Diane: We're going to get married, of course. We're not going to listen to that sack of fish 'n' chips. Wait a minute. [laughs] Why, that wily old bird. He's brilliant.
Sam: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. First, he's brilliant, then he's a quack, and now he's brilliant again?!
Diane: Don't you see? It was a test. He was testing our resolve in the face of his pronouncement. Come on, let's go to his hotel.
Sam: No, I don't want to do that. Come on.
Diane: Sam, we have to prove to him that we are indivisible. Oh, I can't believe that I almost fell for the oldest trick in the book.

Dr. Finch-Royce: Well, now, uh, where to begin. Well, usually, at this point, you would tell me what a loathsome, contemptible swine he is, and, uh, you would describe in some detail what a wanton, libidinous trollop she is... But as you're only engaged, we'll just have to look forward to that. You know, when I was on the staff of the London Psychiatric Hospital just after my divorce, we had a couple that...
Sam: Excuse me.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Hmm?
Sam: You've been divorced?
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, I have.
Sam: [chuckling] That's great.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Now, Sam, Sam, I can say to you with pride, "Yes, I have been divorced," because it is only from our failures that we gain knowledge. Consequently, I was able to make a much better choice of a second wife. Perhaps my vision was clearer for the tears that I had shed.
Diane: You are the wisest man I know.
Dr. Finch-Royce: High praise, indeed.

Dr. Finch-Royce: What are the keys to a successful marriage? Well, there are numerous schools of thought. Uh, many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is... Quickly now.
Diane: Love?
Sam: Sex.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Honesty. Because from honesty springs...
Diane: Fidelity.
Sam: Sex.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, trust.
Diane: Oh, I was going to say that.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Well, those people are wrong.

Dr. Finch-Royce: [on the phone] No, darling, I've settled in for the evening. I'm desperate for a bit of peace and quiet, so I'll just have a bite to eat and a bath and pop into bed. Oh, that pompous twit Frasier Crane says hello. Yes, bad as usual, if not worse. Still, you may be amused to know I stuck him for $1,500. [knocking at door] Oh, uh, excuse me, darling. There's someone at the door. Shall we say... Yes, all right. Yes, I love you, too.

Dr. Finch-Royce: Ah, how lovely to see you again. What's it been, 30 minutes?
Diane: I'm sorry to barge in. I hope we're not disturbing you.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Well, actually, I was just about to have my dinner.
Sam: Dinner?
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, I mean, uh, I don't want to sound rude, but I actually would like to eat it while it's hot.
Diane: I'm sorry, but this is simply too important to put it off. It's been preying on our minds. We really can't think of anything else. Isn't that right, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, right. Are you gone eat those crackers?
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, I am. Now, could you please just say whatever it is you've come to say?

Dr. Finch-Royce: Now, during the, uh, course of my counseling, I have come up with a number of scenarios, the responses to which give very useful pointers to a couple's compatibility. So, Sam, we'll start with you. You're on your honeymoon.
Sam: With Diane?
Dr. Finch-Royce: With Diane. Now, the two of you are on a tropical beach wearing nothing but your swimming togs.
Diane: Uh, Doctor, I do have a tendency to freckle.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Diane is wearing a big hat. Now, Sam, you see a woman walk by. Her flesh is tawny from the tropic sun. Her proud yet supple bosoms heave mightily against the constraints of her tiny bikini. You think she is the most beautiful creature that you have ever seen. At this moment, Diane turns to you and says, "A penny for your thoughts." Do you share them with her?
Sam: Uh, gee, that's, uh, that's hard to say. Wh- When you say "bikini", is it that French cut?
Diane: Sam!
Sam: I'm just trying to clarify things here. All right, all right, do I tell her? Um... No, of course not.
Diane: You wouldn't trust me to handle that?
Sam: Well, yes, of course I would. Did I say no? I meant yes.
Dr. Finch-Royce: All right. Diane, it's your wedding night. You and Sam have just made love, and Sam has not performed to your satisfaction. [Sam laughs] He asks you how it was. Do you tell him?
Diane: I never have before. [chuckling] I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I tell you I'm kidding. Of course I wouldn't tell him. It would hurt his feelings.

Diane: Hello, Doctor.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Ah, this is a surprise.
Sam: Uh, sorry about this. We didn't catch you on the hopper, did we?
Dr. Finch-Royce: Uh... No, but thanks for asking. Come in.

Diane: Sam, Simon Finch-Royce is an eminent psychotherapist who specializes in marital relations.
Carla: Does "eminent" by any chance mean "rich and single"?
Diane: Anyway, Sam, I think it's safe to say that he has saved hundreds, nay, thousands of troubled marriages. It's even rumored that he had a hand in helping Chuck and Di.
Carla: Speaking of that, why don't you upchuck and die?

Dr. Finch-Royce: [enters] [sings] Three little maids from school are we
Frasier: [sings] Pert as a schoolgirl well may be
Both: Filled to the brim with girlish glee Three little maids from school.
Woody: Sam, you want me to call the police?
Frasier: Uh, no no cause for alarm, Woody. Simon and I did the spring musical together at Oxford. It was The Mikado. Simon played Pitti-Sing, and I was Yum-Yum.
Dr. Finch-Royce: And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.

Frasier: Oh, and, uh, this is Diane Chambers.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Oh, how do you do?
Diane: Delighted to make your acquaintance. You're so much taller than you looked on your book jacket.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Ah, yes, but you see, the book's only about that big.
Diane: [laughs] That must be it.