Frasier: Next week marks the anniversary of the day my beloved Lilith and I first met.
Cliff: No kiddin'?
Frasier: Yeah. As a show of my affection, I bought her a Louis Quatorze armoire at a little antique shop I saw on the Hill today. It set me back quite a penny. You know, I think when you're trying to express your affection for your mate, old wood says it best.
Woody: What do I say?
Frasier: I was talking about the armoire.
Woody: I never say that. I don't even know what an armoire is.
Frasier: It's a large chest.
Woody: Well, hey, what woman wouldn't want that? [laughs]

Frasier: So where is Reedsport?
Joyce: Oh, it's in Oregon, about 50 miles west of Eugene.
Cliff: Well! A left coaster, huh?
Joyce: Yeah.
Cliff: You know, uh, recent medical studies have shown that, uh, time zone transference, aka jet lag, not only can be very upsetting to one's metabolism, but, uh, also directly correlates to the, uh, loss of, uh, hair follicles.
Joyce: Are you a doctor?
Carla: No, he's a floon.
Joyce: Who is that?
Cliff: Nobody knows.

Sam: Woody, come here for a second here, will ya? You know, I've been thinking long and hard about this, Woody. Look, there's, uh, somebody I want you to meet here. Come here. Joyce, Woody.
Joyce: Hi.
Woody: Wow, what a coincidence. My first name is Woody.

Joyce: Uh, can we see Old lronsides first?
Woody: Well, I don't know if Raymond Burr lives in Boston.

Sam: You know, I just think it's a stroke of genius that I had Woody squire Joyce around town. I mean, she's safe, and I have my peace of mind.
Diane: Personally, I'm a little worried about Joyce. She's been seeing an awful lot of Woody.
Sam: So what?
Diane: Do you know what time she got in last night? 2:30. Who knows what they were up to?
Sam: [chuckling] Oh, come on. We're talking about Woody. I mean, the guy is a, is a walking Disney character without the fur.

Cliff: So, uh, what's Lilith getting you there, Doc?
Frasier: A set of golf clubs.
Cliff: Eh.
Frasier: Although she doesn't know it yet.
Norm: Well, how can you be so sure?
Frasier: Well, I've left a lot of clues around the house. You'd have to be an idiot not to know what I want.
Woody: And what's that, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: I- I haven't decided yet, Wood.
Woody: Ah.

Joyce: Oh, you know what? He asked me to give you something. There you go.
Sam: Oh.
Woody: Sam. Beer distributor on the phone.
Sam: Tell him I'll call back, please.
Norm: Sammy, hey, hey. Where are your priorities? Come on.

Sam: Well, are you all, uh, you all checked in at college, huh?
Joyce: Well, uh, not really. The my dorm is having plumbing troubles, and I have no place to stay.
Sam: Well, that's not a problem. You can stay with me. I just have to pick up a few things. A bottle of juice, a loaf of bread.
Diane: A door for the bathroom.
Sam: My, God, yeah.

Diane: Joyce, the only logical place for you to stay is with me. Coach was like a father to me.
Joyce: Well, I mean, if it's no problem. Why not?
Diane: None at all. We'll have fun. It'll be one long slumber party.
Carla: Oh, goody. Can I come over and bring my Frankie Avalon records? I have dibs on cutting off her hair when she goes to sleep.
Diane: Yeah, and if we can get our hands on a laser, we'll try cutting Carla's.

Diane: No problem. We'll, uh, we'll just find someone else to show her the sights.
Sam: All right.
Diane: Someone who's enthusiastic. Someone who's non threatening.
Sam: That's good. That's good.
Diane: Somebody, uh, trustworthy. Somebody, uh, innocent.
Sam: Right.
Woody: Hey, Sam, you remember that little bird whose wing I mended? Well, this morning, I was...
Sam: Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to think here, Woody.