Woody: So I guess Mr. Clavin's told you a lot about us, huh?
Esther Clavin: No, actually, Clifford doesn't talk much around the house.
Norm: That Cliff?
Esther Clavin: That's right. Some days, not a peep. Of course, the same thing occurs in nature, too. It's a little-known fact that arctic wolves that remained in the den too long exhibited a tendency to be reticent in their howling.
Norm: Ah.
Esther Clavin: Now, when I read that...

Woody: You know, funerals are a lot different here than they are back home.
Norm: Yeah? How's that, Woody?
Woody: Well, where I come from, when somebody dies, people come from miles around, bake lots of pies, bring all kinds of food, make speeches, ride the roller coaster. Oh, wait, that might be the state fair.

Esther Clavin: Hi, there.
Cliff: Ma, what took you so long to get down here?
Esther Clavin: Well, I wanted to look my best for your friends.
Cliff: And this is two hours' worth? Uh, Ma, this is Cheers.
Esther Clavin: Yeah, this is the odor I'm always washing out of your shirts.

Cliff: Hey, uh, Normie, you should have seen this 3-D movie they had about life in Vancouver. You know, with those glasses on, you felt like you were really there.
Norm: You were there, Cliff.
Woody: I've been readin' up on Expo. Did you catch that bullet train they got there?
Cliff: No, I guess I missed that one.
Woody: Did you see the Great Hall of Ramses?
Cliff: Uh, no, no, I guess that slid right by me yeah.
Woody: Uh, how about the U.S. space exhibit?
Cliff: No.
Woody: Chinese acrobats?
Cliff: Uh-uh.
Sam: Hey, Cliff! How was Expo?
Cliff: A major disappointment, Sam.

Esther Clavin: [to Duncan] Oh, what lovely buttons. Did you know that buttons on a man's jacket sleeve have absolutely no purpose? They originated on the uniforms of Napoleon's army when he discovered that his soldiers were using their sleeves to wipe their noses.
Cliff: [to the guys] Oh, she's gonna flap her gums all the way to the poorhouse.

Sam: Then she says to her girlfriend, "Maybe so, but this one's eating my popcorn." [laughter]
Frasier: Okay, okay, I guess it's time for me to take off the psychiatrist's cap and tell one of my own.
Sam: All right!
Frasier: All right, well, it seems there's these two men stranded on a deserted island. Doug and Dave. Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait. This is better with dialects. Uh... Okay, so an lrishman and a Dane are stranded on a- No, wait a second. l- l don't do Danish. Um Okay! An Irishman and a Swede.
Sam: All right.
Frasier: That's it. Patrick and Lars. So Lars turns to Patrick one day, and he goes, uh [Swedish accent] "How much water have you left?" [laughter] Oh, no, gee, wait a second. l- l think one of them's supposed to be a rabbi.

Esther Clavin: Oh, well. Life goes on. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'm not the type that good things happen to.
Cliff: Well, I don't know, Ma. I mean, there was, uh, one good thing that happened to you about, uh, well, 37 years ago.
Esther Clavin: There certainly was. Not many women get to shake hands with Bing Crosby.
Cliff: [clears thorat] Well, there you are, huh?
Esther Clavin: Oh, Cliff, you know I mean you. You're my pride and joy. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Gee, think of that.

Cliff: Hey, Normie, Normie, things are going very smoothly. Yeah, yeah, I think Fitz might donate some money to, uh, my favorite charity.
Norm: Yeah? What's that?
Cliff: Save the Clavin Foundation.

Diane: Anyway, Sam, should we have a big wedding?
Sam: No, no, I think we should have a military one. All 21 guns aimed at the bride.

Cliff: Sammy is there a tear in my eye?
Sam: No, no.
Cliff: Are there dollar signs in my eyes?
Sam: Yeah, I think there are, Cliffy.