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‘Cheers Fouls Out’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Cheers Fouls Out

902. Cheers Fouls Out

Aired September 27, 1990

When Cheers faces off in a basketball match against Gary's Olde Towne Tavern, Sam brings in Celtics power forward Kevin McHale as a ringer.

Quote from Woody

Sam: If he doesn't want to do it, then I'll get Larry Bird.
Woody: No, no, no, no, not Bird. If he's in, I'm out.
Cliff: Woody. Woody, Woody, you telling me you know Larry Bird?
Woody: I don't have to know him. He's from French Lick, Indiana. He's a doofus.
Carla: So what? You're from Indiana and you're a doofus.
Woody: Yeah, but I would rather be a doofus from Hanover than a doofus from French Lick, 'cause everyone from Hanover knows that French Lick is the doofus capitol of Indiana. Of course everyone from French Lick thinks it's Hanover. It's a fuel of a raging controversy.

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Quote from Norm

Woody: I guess I don't have to show you where anything is behind the bar, right, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: No, no, no, we got the, uh, beer taps, you got your uh, cherries, olives, pretzel bag... Hey! You guys got a cash register back here.
Frasier: [enters] Oh, my God! I'm in one of Norm's dreams.
Norm: No, no, no. I'm just doing my hour behind the bar to qualify for the employees' basketball game. Although my dreams are very similar to this. Except for, uh, in my dreams the, uh, kegs are a lot taller and, uh well, I can fly.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Oh, for goodness sakes, Frasier, we've been intimate several times this last month. Look at my day planner. We were together every night this weekend. Oh, good heavens! That wasn't you.
Frasier: What do you mean it wasn't me?
Lilith: I'm kidding. See? Look how tense you are. You wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
Frasier: Well, fine. I don't want it anyway.
Lilith: You do, too.
Frasier: I do not.
Lilith: You do so.
Frasier: All right, I do.
Lilith: Well, you're not getting any. Oh, Frasier, isn't it enough that I'm doing it to your mind?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, forgive me if I don't share your enthusiasm. I've just been feeling a bit edgy these days.
Woody: Why's that, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Well, Lilith, in her own dear, compulsive, little way made the mistake of asking me if I thought she looked fat.
Norm: And what did you say?
Frasier: Well, I told her she looked just fine.
Norm: Ooh, rookie mistake.
Frasier: Yeah.
Norm: So, uh, what kind of punishment are you getting?
Frasier: Oh, I'm not getting any.
Norm: Oh, you got off easy.
Frasier: No. I'm not getting any.
Norm: No, you're getting off easy.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, uh, basketball was invented by the ancient Celtics. You know, interestingly enough, so was the parquet floor.
Frasier: You've been working without your hat, haven't you, Cliff?

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Oh, Robin, I just get so lonely and confused when I'm not with you.
Robin: Well, now, I've missed you, too, sweetheart.
Rebecca: Did you like the little surprise I sent?
Robin: Surprise?
Rebecca: The Polaroids.
Robin: What? I- I don't remember.
Rebecca: The pictures of me wearing that teddy you like. The picture of me holding that teddy you like.
Robin: Now, Rebecca, don't tease. Not so early in my sentence.
Rebecca: Oh, Robin, you really mean you didn't get the pictures?
Robin: I think I would remember. Well, I know I mailed them. I went to pick up my final paycheck at Cheers and then I mailed them. Oh, well, they'll get here.
Robin: Yeah.
[back at Cheers:]
Carla: Okay, for this one without the teddy, we will start the bidding start the bidding at ten bucks. Don't crowd.
Cliff: $100.

Quote from Woody

Woody: I've got a good feeling this year, guys. I think we're gonna beat those guys from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
Carla: Yeah!
Cliff: All right!
Frasier: Oh, this again. I mean, every year they beat you, humiliate you, outsmart you and take your money. I mean, where's the virtue in that?
Woody: Tradition.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, at what point does cheating become a moral dilemma? I mean, can the severity of snitching that last piece of cake be compared to, oh, cheating on one's wife with the beautiful, young woman that works in the office next to yours? I should footnote this by adding that I'm not getting any.

Quote from Woody

Gary: Oh, by the way, I just wanted to let you know that we're open to any wagers. Oh, oh, that's right. You guys are too chicken to bet.
Woody: Hey, we're not chicken to bet. We bet you stomp all over us. If I were you Sam, I'd get a piece of this action.
Sam: He means do we want to bet on ourselves here, Woody.
Woody: [laughs] Are you kidding? With those two skyscrapers? Man, I thought I was the bumpkin here.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: [on the phone] Yo, Kevin. Hi. Sam Malone here. Hey, listen, you remember how I told you about that game my bar is playing against, uh, Gary's Old Towne Tavern? Yeah, how'd you like to get in on that? No, I- I know, I know you've got a busy schedule and all that.
Carla: Sammy tell him it's for charity.
Sam: No, no listen, I understand, I understand. I'm not gonna bust your chops here. You know these needy orphans have been through it all. They're used to people letting them down. Oh, I'm sorry, didn't I tell you it was for charity? Oh, I'm sorry man. Yeah, charity. Well, no, don't worry about it. I can get one of the Lakers to do it. I mean, they're good guys. I mean, they'll give up an hour of their time to change some poor kids' lives.
Frasier: Sam, leave the man alone. You know, if somebody doesn't want to do something, no amount of manipulation, cajoling, pleading or lying can get them to change their mind.
Sam: That's fantastic, man! All right. I'll see you down here. [hangs up]
Frasier: Could you call Lilith for me? I'll...

Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, everybody! I want you to meet, uh, your bartender, here, Mr. Kevin McHale! [cheers, whistles and applause] Kevin watch your head, watch your head. Low bridge. Low bridge.
Woody: Welcome aboard, Kevin. I hope your years at Cheers are as happy as mine were. Sam, I'll get my stuff together and get out of your way.
Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come back here, man. He's not replacing you. He just filling in here for a little while so he can qualify to play the game against Gary's.
Woody: Oh! Oh, in that case, here's an apron. All right. Well, so what's it like working with Larry Bird?
Kevin McHale: Hey, Larry's great. Larry's funny as can be. Boy, he's got some great jokes. And most of his jokes are about these doofuses from Hanover, Indiana. Did you ever hear this one? How many guys from Hanover does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't even matter 'cause they gotta drive all the way over to French Lick just to get the light bulb. [laughs]
Woody: I heard it a little different.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Hey, Kevin! Want to slam-dunk me a beer over here, buddy?
Kevin McHale: Nah, I can't do that. That's against NBA policy.
Sam: Oh, right, yeah, yeah, they don't, uh, like their athletes promoting drugs or alcohol, so tonight, uh, Kevin's just going to be serving water.
Norm: To whom?

Quote from Norm

Norm: [panting] Sammy, I need a break. I cannot move.
Sam: Oh, yeah, take a break. Why don't you get yourself a beer?
[Norm runs out of the gymnasium at speed]

Quote from Woody

Dr. Walter Froenmeyer: I'm Dr. Walter Froenmeyer with the Celtics' medical staff.
Sam: Uh, yeah?
Dr. Walter Froenmeyer: I wanted to get your version of Mr. McHale's accident last night.
Sam: Oh, well, uh... No big deal. He fell down, we put him back up. Nothing serious.
Dr. Walter Froenmeyer: Does this look like nothing serious to you? [holds up an X-ray]
Woody: God! The skin's all gone.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Uh, give me some money. It's for a good cause.
Man: What cause?
Carla: 'Cause I said.

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