Sam: Come on! Hey, people don't pay to watch their baseball stars stink. They pay to watch them relive their old glories.
Carla: You know, Sammy, I was more thrilled than anybody to see you out there flinging it again, but even I was a little embarrassed when you put one in Babette's ear 'cause she was crowding the plate.
Sam: Hey, the plate belongs to me. If she can't stand the heat, she shouldn't have crossed the baseline. Hey, come on, here. We're celebrating, guys.
Coach: Sam, you mean you knocked a girl down?
Sam: No, Coach, I didn't knock a girl down. I knocked a batter down. I mean, she was halfway across the plate.
Coach: Oh, halfway across the plate, she deserves it. Let's celebrate.
Diane: Oh, yes, by all means. Let's celebrate. This is such a major accomplishment, Sam. I think you're ready to take on the Camp Fire Girls All-Stars.
Norm: Way to go, Diane.

Sam: Oh, good, Diane's here.
Diane: Sam, you are an attractive man. You have many friends. You have a lot going for you. But you have one miserable character flaw.
Sam: Gee, I wonder if I could coax you into telling me what that is.
Diane: Sam, you and I dated for what seemed an eternity and I think I know you pretty well. You get into a contest and you'd rather die than lose. I'm surmising, but I think you fear of losing drove you to drink and ruined your career.
Sam: I'm going to tell you something and then I'd appreciate it if you leave. A little competitiveness is a healthy thing.
Diane: But you have more than a little competitiveness. Sam, you're very sick.
Sam: I am not.
Diane: Yes, you are and I can prove it. Why did you play this game in the first place? To impress a bevy of buxom Bunnies, who now will never speak to you again. You wanted to beat them more than you wanted to bed them.
Sam: My God, I am sick.

Diane: You're not actually sick. You just have a problem.
Sam: I know, I know, I know. I've always had it.
Diane: You mean you approached games in this same way when you were a child?
Sam: Oh, especially when I was a child. My parents were kind of tough on me. I could never do anything to please them. I mean, if I got a C in school, they said, "Why not a B?" If I got a B, "Why didn't you get an A?"
Diane: And if you got an A? [off Sam's look] Sorry.
Sam: You know, in high school once I pitched a two-hitter. And all my dad could talk about were the lousy two damn hits.
Diane: Sam, this is wonderful. You're sharing with me an attempt to confront the very roots of your self-involvement. I had no idea you could relate on this level.

Diane: This all started out with us arguing over who is the most competitive. What are we proving by knocking a ball back and forth all night?
Sam: It's not going to be all night. I'm about to win. Serve.
Diane: Let's start by admitting that we both have a problem. And let's put down our paddles simultaneously and walk away from this.
Sam: Oh, you're quitting? Is that it?
Diane: As it so happens, I am a point ahead. I could win on this serve. I am suggesting a greater triumph for us both. A victory over this destructive problem we both have. Let's beat our paddles into plowshares, Sam.
Sam: Say again?

Diane: Try this for me and see if you don't feel better. I'm putting down my paddle. Join me in this victory, Sam. [Sam puts down his paddle] How do you feel?
Sam: I feel OK. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I feel pretty good.
Diane: Good. Like to buy me a cup of coffee?
Sam: Yeah, you bet. How about that?
Diane: Oh, just one more thing. [serves] I win!
Sam: You're not getting out of here alive.
Diane: Oh, don't be a sore loser.
Sam: You're the one who's going to be sore.
Diane: Ouch!
Sam: That's why they call those paddles.

Diane: Mr. Barnes, Coach is right. Sam never plays in old-timer type games.
Lenny: Well, Sam's already agreed to play.
Coach: What?
Lenny: I'm just here for some publicity shots.
Coach: Lenny, why don't you take your beer and have a seat and wait for Sam?
Lenny: Thank you. I have to make a call.
Coach: Use the telephone.

Cliff: Hey, hey, hey, hey, they're Playboy Playmates.
Norm: Get out of here.
Cliff: No, no, no. I recognize Miss February of a few years back. She's a native of Montana, hates the hustle and bustle of the big city. Her turn-ons include strong but sensitive men, classical music and rainy afternoons.
Norm: Hard to believe that Vera and those are the same sex.

Reporter: Now, tell me, Sam, how do you feel about the game on Saturday?
Sam: Well, it's a challenge of a lifetime. We're looking at natural assets here that are going to play havoc with the strike zones. No, I'm looking forward to the game and I'm particularly looking forward to the shower afterwards. All right, all right, all right. Seriously, I think it's going to be a great game. And I just hope that everybody comes out to support a worthy cause.

Norm: The play of the game, Cliffie, was when Angela had to reach back to catch that foul ball.
Cliff: Yeah. That was a thing of beauty, Normie. But the best one was Ginger bent down to catch that grounder. I had to applaud, Norm.
Norm: Let's not forget when Rosemary and Ginger kind of bumped into each other.
Diane: Either one of you manage to sneak a peak at the scoreboard?
Norm: There was a scoreboard?

Sam: Hey, guys, I really had my stuff, huh?
Norm: Yeah, magnificent, Sam. Any chance the girls'll be by?
Sam: Would you guys forget the girls here? I mean, I just won a game, didn't let anybody pass first base and you're all pretending this is an ordinary day.
Diane: [taps a glass] Excuse me. I'm not an expert in the field of sports, but it's my impression that the fans paid to see the little Playmates wiggling their heinies around the bases.
Sam: Diane, you're the last person I want to talk to today. You're not exactly in the top five any day, but for your information, people paid good money to watch Sam Malone pitch.
Norm: I paid for heinies.