[fantasy:]
Young Sam: You know something, Dad? I really like my name.
Sam: Thanks, Sam. Beautiful evening, isn't it?
Young Sam: Oh, sure is, Dad.
Sam: Say, how's that paper route coming?
Young Sam: Just fine, Dad. Before long, I'll have enough saved up to buy that baseball glove.
Sam: Ah!
Young Sam: Tell me again what it was like when you were in the major leagues, Dad.
Sam: Oh, come on, you must be getting tired of hearing that.
Young Sam: How could I ever get tired of hearing about you, Dad?

[fantasy:]
Sam: Yeah, Sam. So how's that paper route coming?
Young Sam: Oh, I've been saving up. Why don't we pull over here to this market, and I'll run in and buy us a soda. My treat.
Sam: Great idea, son.
Young Sam: I'll be right back. [exits]
Sam: Okeydokey. [laughs] He's got that Malone swagger.
Young Sam: Floor it, Dad!
Sam: Why, what happened?
Young Sam: I robbed the store! [alarm sounds]
Sam: But why?
Young Sam: I had to do something to make up for the lack of love between you and Mom. [sirens wail] Now move your fat ass, you stupid idiot! Why'd you two even have a kid anyway?
Sam: Well, we sort of thought it'd be fun.
Young Sam: Fun? I'll show you fun. [gunshots]
Sam: Oh, no, no!
Young Sam: I got one! Boy, did you see that guy's head explode? Whoa, these hollow point bullets are great! Hey, everybody! I'm little Sammy Malone! And my dad was a Major League pitcher! And he didn't love my mother! [laughing maniacally]

Rebecca: I'm sorry. I hope I didn't ruin the moment. Just, I was standing out in the hall naked. The door slammed shut, and I didn't have any place else to go. Anyway, if you if you could just loan me a robe, I l can wait back out in the hall.
Bride: No, no, there's a robe you can use in the bathroom. Larry will go look for what's his name... Sam?
Rebecca: Sam. Sam. Oh, you can't miss him. He's a big galoot with a lantern jaw. [o.s.] Have you ever been naked in a hotel hallway? The sailors just come out of the woodwork.
Groom: Don't worry, miss, I'll find him and come right back. [starts kissing his wife]
Rebecca: [o.s.] See, I was in the bathroom taking a bath, and I-I was talking to Sam, but he wasn't really even listening to me. I mean, I- I guess he decided to go down to the store and get some gum or something. I don't know, and it was it was like he he didn't even know that I was... alive.

Rebecca: Boy, you sure look beautiful. [gasps] Oh! Look at all these flowers. Oh, my boy, you must have a huge family.
Bride: No, those are all from my guy. Isn't he sweet?
Rebecca: Wow. Well, mine's down right now, getting me some, uh, gum I think.
Bride: How long have you and Sam been married?
Rebecca: Oh, actually, we weren't even plan... Six months.
Bride: [phone rings] Excuse me. [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, honey. It's my husband.
Rebecca: He's already down in the lobby?
Bride: No, he's calling me from the elevator phone just to tell me he loves me. It's supposed to be just for emergencies. Oh, you are so sweet. [hangs up]
Rebecca: Oh, you're the perfect couple, aren't you? Oh, I bet you had a beautiful wedding.
Bride: Oh, well, all weddings are nice. Wasn't yours?
Rebecca: Oh, yeah. We had, you know, lots of flowe... And we had a lot of people came in... [voice breaking] A lot of people from out of town. If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm just gonna wait outside in the hall.

[fantasy:]
Sam: Mmm, you've got the sweetest lips in the whole wide world, honey.
Rebecca: [door opening] Knock-knock! The little woman is home.
Sam: Hey! What are you barging in here for?
Rebecca: You forgot to hang the sock on the door.
Sam: That's because I didn't want to take it off. It was cold. They turned the heat off.
Rebecca: Oh, yeah, they turned the heat off 'cause you forgot to pay the bill, pal!
Sam: What was I supposed to pay it with... love?

[fantasy:]
Rebecca: Come on, Sam, get her out of here. I'm ovulating.
Sam: Oh, that's great. You couldn't tell me fifteen minutes ago? Come on, scooch, honey. I've got my chores to do. Yeah, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on. [the woman leaves]
Rebecca: Oh, Sam, come on, hurry up, let's make a baby! Let's go in the other room and do it!
Sam: This is the other room. Oh God! Why are we so poor and miserable?
Rebecca: Well, honey, we may be poor and miserable, but at least we can live on love!

Paul: So none of you guys had the guts to go through with it, huh?
Cliff: Well, uh, one of us did.
Woody: Just a few more steps, Dr. Crane.
Lilith: Darling, are you all right?
Frasier: [whimpers]
Lilith: What did he say?
Woody: Sounded like "oil can."
Lilith: Here, this should help warm you up. It must have been a terrifying experience.
Frasier: Oh! It was positively surreal. First, the cold water hitting me like an electric shock dragging me down like a palpable force. And then when I was crawling back onto the beach, it kept at me, as though, for all the world, someone was actually pushing me back into the frozen water.
Cliff: [to Norm] Told you it wasn't funny.

Sam: I mean, you know, if we don't love each other, how can we raise a kid?
Rebecca: That's right! Because it wouldn't be fair to the kid.
Sam: I agree.
Rebecca: I mean, I mean, all we've talked about is how much we want a baby. We, we, we. We never even thought about about how it would be for a baby to have us.
Sam: I agree.
Rebecca: I mean, I think we got to call the whole thing off.
Sam: Oh, I agree! I can't believe this! This is the first thing we've agreed about since the whole baby thing came up.
Rebecca: I agree! Oh, Sam I love you!
Sam: Oh, I love you, too!
Rebecca: I mean, I don't "love you," love you.
Sam: No, I don't "love you," love you, either.

Sam: Come on, what do you say, huh? Please?
Frasier: Oh, all right. Here, take the room. Conceive your child. Go make.
Sam: Well, yeah, doesn't it at least make you feel better knowing somebody's having fun?
Frasier: No. I know it sounds petty, but frankly l, I can't think of anything that would make me feel worse. [exits]
Lilith: Uh, Frasier, dear, I can't remember. Have you ever had the chicken pox?
Frasier: [o.s.] Oh!
Lilith: I can always think of something that would make him feel worse.