Norm: Hey, Kevin! Want to slam-dunk me a beer over here, buddy?
Kevin McHale: Nah, I can't do that. That's against NBA policy.
Sam: Oh, right, yeah, yeah, they don't, uh, like their athletes promoting drugs or alcohol, so tonight, uh, Kevin's just going to be serving water.
Norm: To whom?

Norm: [panting] Sammy, I need a break. I cannot move.
Sam: Oh, yeah, take a break. Why don't you get yourself a beer?
[Norm runs out of the gymnasium at speed]

Carla: Uh, give me some money. It's for a good cause.
Man: What cause?
Carla: 'Cause I said.

Sam: Get out of here. I don't want to see you again. You're a bum. Go on. Get out of my place. Go on, scoot.
Gary: Fine. Fine. Eight years of humiliating you weenies is enough. I'm gonna find a tougher gang to humiliate.
Woody: Hey, you can look all over Boston. You won't find any weenies tougher than us!
Sam: Yeah, that's telling him, Woody.

Gary: Oh, by the way, I just wanted to let you know that we're open to any wagers. Oh, oh, that's right. You guys are too chicken to bet.
Woody: Hey, we're not chicken to bet. We bet you stomp all over us. If I were you Sam, I'd get a piece of this action.
Sam: He means do we want to bet on ourselves here, Woody.
Woody: [laughs] Are you kidding? With those two skyscrapers? Man, I thought I was the bumpkin here.

Dr. Walter Froenmeyer: I'm Dr. Walter Froenmeyer with the Celtics' medical staff.
Sam: Uh, yeah?
Dr. Walter Froenmeyer: I wanted to get your version of Mr. McHale's accident last night.
Sam: Oh, well, uh... No big deal. He fell down, we put him back up. Nothing serious.
Dr. Walter Froenmeyer: Does this look like nothing serious to you? [holds up an X-ray]
Woody: God! The skin's all gone.

Sam: Wait till you guys hear what I did this weekend. You know, ever since I bought this bar, I've been trying to remind people it's still a sports bar, so I've been going around renewing some of my old sports contacts.
Carla: And for those of you who've never seen Sam renewing his old sports contacts, it goes something like this. "Oh, come on! You've got to remember me! You've got to!"

Norm: So, Sammy shot hoops with Kevin McHale, huh?
Sam: Actually, no, l, uh, I played golf with him. Beat him, too, you know. Hurt him bad.
Carla: All right!
Sam: Yeah, you know, big a star as he is, you, uh, shank a tee shot into his shin, and he'll cry just like anybody else.

Frasier: Boy, look at the curves on that glass. Oh, feel that.
Norm: Boy, he's really not getting any, is he?
Cliff: Pathetic. Woody, uh, pour me another beer, will you? [whispers] Put it in one of those girlie glasses.

Sam: Do you believe this, huh? I'm about to play ball with Kevin McHale tonight?
Kevin McHale: You know, I didn't realize we were playing at night. Are you sure the orphans can stay up that late?
Sam: The orphans?
Norm: Yeah, the orphans. The orphans, yeah, you know, well...
Sam: Oh, oh, right, right.
Norm: See, uh, one of the, uh, one of the great things about orphans is, they have no parents to tell them when to go to bed.