Woody: Dr. Crane, I've got some messages here from Mrs. Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yes, Woody?
Woody: Yes, well, she called to say she thinks Freddy might have a diaper rash and she can't find the A & D Ointment. And then she called back to say she found the ointment, but would it be better to use talcum powder?
Frasier: Mm-hmm.
Woody: And then she called back to say never mind, she's just gonna, uh, leave the diaper off and let Freddy air out his little bottom. And then she called one last time to ask where the carpet cleaner is.
Frasier: Oh, my God.
Sam: Everything okay?
Frasier: Oh, everything's fine, Sam. We just made one horrible mistake.
Sam: What's that?
Frasier: We left the child alone with its mother.

Rebecca: All right, so this is what I've got so far. "Dear Robin, I am writing you this letter while lying naked in the tub."
Carla: Let me just stop you right there. "I'm writing you this letter while lying naked on my kitchen table."
Rebecca: Whoa! That is good.
Carla: Well, there's a lot more depth to me than just being a waitress, you know.
Rebecca: Okay. "Just thinking of you makes me hot. It-"
Carla: Oh, no, no, no, no, not hot, no. Write this.
Rebecca: Okay.
Carla: "I'm on fire."
Rebecca: Fire.
Carla: "I'm churning, I'm burning. I want something, anything. I reach for a piece of fruit. An orange, a ripe orange, big and sweet. I peel back the skin... slowly. My fingernails tear into the pulp. The juice runs down my..."
Rebecca: You know, that orange isn't going to work because the juice burns his ulcers.
Carla: Oh! Look, if you're not going to get into the spirit of soft porn, just forget about it.

Frasier: Greetings, all. The boys are out for an adventure.
Sam: Hey, hey! I'm glad to see you guys. Has the little dude said his first word yet?
Frasier: Well, I thought so, but then I checked my unabridged Oxford English dictionary and I was unable to find the word "gak." Sam, may I have a beer, please, and could you warm up this formula for my little angel?[Frederick crys] Oh, pipe down! You saw me give the bottle to Sam. Does, does water just boil instantly? No! He'll warm it, then you'll get it! And it'll be yum-yum-yum-yum-yum.
Norm: So, uh going a little rough there, Dr. Mom?
Frasier: Well, let's just say that since I have become the primary caregiver to Frederick, I have a newfound respect for those who have decided to stay home and dedicate their lives to the raising of their children. I have also realized that if I were to do it for any amount of time, you would soon hear stories of me sitting naked in a tower with a high-powered rifle.

Sam: So does Lilith know you guys are over here?
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course, Sam. I told her that I was just taking our 11-month-old baby out for a tall one. The irony is I got myself into this pickle. I convinced Lilith that with my background and clinical skills, I should be the one to take primary care of the child, not her. Naturally, she took it personally. I was somehow denigrating her competency as a mother. Boy, you look cross-eyed at a woman these days...
Sam: So she does know you're here?
Frasier: Well, no, no. I didn't fill her in on our itinerary for the entire day, but she won't question my judgment. I have assumed complete responsibility for the child and I see no problem with him being in this environment.
Norm: Hey, look, with a cigar in his hand, he looks just like Baby Herman.
Frasier: If Lilith calls, we're not here.

Rebecca: What a waste.
Carla: Not for me. I got 15 dates lined up. Of course, none of them start for a year.
Rebecca: I got no romance, no satisfaction, no nothing.
Carla: Come on, you don't have nothing. You got a purse full of ribs.
Rebecca: What?
Carla: Sure. I took the liberty of filling you up. The sauce is in the change compartment.

Lilith: Hello, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Lilith.
Lilith: Query: If I had a problem and needed to talk to someone about it, would it be perpetuating a stereotype to actually select a bartender?
Sam: Well, that, that depends.
Lilith: On what?
Sam: On what you just said.

Lilith: I don't accept that, Frasier. This shouldn't be happening.
Frasier: Well, Lilith, I warned you on the night that we conceived little Frederick that raising a child would not be all roses and rainbows.
Lilith: No, as I recall, the exact words you uttered that night were, "Who cares about the next 20 years? Let's get nasty."
Frasier: It's just like you to miss the inner meaning.

Frasier: Oh, really, Lilith. You didn't expect any sympathy here in Mayberry, did you?
Lilith: Frasier, two people as gifted as we are were never meant to have an average baby. It's so unjust.
Frasier: Well, it's not the end of the world, my love. So he won't be as erudite as his parents. He can still lead a happy, normal life like the rest of these people.
Norm: And the new record: 53! [Carla has a load of straws stuck in her hair]
Carla: Yes!
Woody: Yeah.

Woody: Oh, hi, Miss Howe. You got a letter here from Mr. Colcord.
Rebecca: Oh, thanks, Woody.
Woody: It smells like cinnamon.
Rebecca: Yeah, Robin's working in the bakery now. They put him in charge of sticky buns.

Carla: So what's the word from our man in the pokey?
Rebecca: "Dear Rebecca, I miss you very much. The days go by so slowly here. I lie on my cot and dream about your..."
Carla: Dream about your what?
Rebecca: Face. My smile, my pleasant demeanor.
Sam: Come on. What does it say?
Rebecca: You guys, this is private. I don't want to read it to you.
Norm: I'd be happy with just the verbs.
Carla: Hey, get a load of this pencil sketch of her demeanor.