Lilith: For God's sake, what are we arguing about? Who should stay home with our child? It's not a punishment, it's an honor. I'd love to. I'd be delighted to stay home and nurture my child.
Frasier: Oh, Lilith, you role-play the mother so well.
Lilith: If we can't make a commitment to be with our child at all cost, who can?
Frasier: I agree. The most important thing is to be with Frederick during his formative years. Say, I have a thought. In celebration of this realization, we'll have dinner together tonight, just the two of us.
Lilith: And Frederick.
Frasier: Of course. Oh, oh, did you want to come? [laughs]

Sam: Norm. It's 5:00, time to feed the meter.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have had it, Sam. No more of this climbing up the stairs every two hours.
Sam: You're not leaving me for another bar, are you?
Norm: Oh, no, I'm going to sell my car.

Sam: Hey, guys, look at this. It's Doug Aducci, one of the best damn umpires in the American League.
Doug Aducci: And, uh, Sam here was one of the best, uh... groomed pitchers in the American League, huh?
Sam: Sit down here. God, I can't believe this. Last time I saw this guy, we were playing the Yankees. You were behind the plate, ninth inning. I was on the mound, up by one. He calls ball four on Munson. Next guy up is Chambliss, knocks one right out of the park. Not that I care, man, but, you know, that was a strike.
Doug Aducci: No, if I called it a ball, it was a ball, Sam.
Sam: [chuckles] It was right at the knees.
Doug Aducci: It must have been low.
Sam: No, no, man, you gave me the same pitch on Roy White.
Doug Aducci: That was 1975, Sam. It's over.
Sam: The point is that Chambliss should never have come up.
Doug Aducci: Look, Malone, I said it was over!
Sam: All I'm asking, Aducci - if that's your real name - is that you be consistent, for God's sake! I mean, that was my livelihood!
Doug Aducci: That's enough, Malone! Go get my drink!
Sam: Hey, get your own drink!
Doug Aducci: What?!
Sam: You heard-- What, are you hard of hearing, too?!
Doug Aducci: That's it! You're out of here!
Sam: You'd throw me out for that?!
Doug Aducci: Take a hike, Malone, right now! I'll take a hike, but not before I do this! You stupid-- I can't believe it! [Sam leaves in a rage] Eh, it may have been a strike. I was going through a divorce that year.

Norm: Oh, Sammy, this town is going down the tubes, I tell you.
Sam: Why do you say that?
Norm: Well, they're installing parking meters up there. Yeah, I'll have to carry a big pocket full of change. It's gonna ruin the line of my pants. Have to go up there every two hours, feed the damned meter.
Woody: Well, you want me to tell you when two hours is up, Mr. P.?
Norm: No, I'll know, Woody. Every 87 sips.

Sam: You guys okay?
Frasier: Well, we've just received some very sobering news.
Woody: Well, you're going to have to feed that meter just like everybody else, Dr. Crane.
Lilith: Yes, Woody. Well, the other thing that has us so distraught is our son's development. Frederick is nearly a year old and has yet to speak his first word. Since we were both so concerned, we decided to have our little man evaluated by a colleague who specializes in child development.
Sam: Oh. What'd he say?
Frasier: He confirmed our worst fears. Frederick is... average.

Frasier: It's your fault, Lilith!
Lilith: What?
Frasier: Yes, obviously you have an inferior gene pool.
Lilith: Me?
Frasier: Well, I didn't have a grandfather who was a butter and egg man in New Jersey.
Lilith: Mother warned me you'd say you love me, but sooner or later, you'd bring that up.
Frasier: Lilith, Lilith, I'm sorry. My grandfather wasn't even in America at that time. If he had been, he wouldn't be hawking butter and eggs.

Rebecca: How can life be so unfair? They put this sweet, wonderful, dirty man behind bars without conjugal visits. Three years I saved myself for a man and what did I end up with? A two-month window of sex.
Woody: Oh, you know, uh, when my brother was in the Army, he used to visit Amsterdam all the time. He said they have a window of sex on every block. Yeah, l, uh, I saved the letters. You might like them, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: No thanks, Woody.
Woody: Okay, Miss Howe. No hurry on those letters, Mr. Clavin.

Norm: Afternoon again, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: What'll you have this time, Norm?
Norm: A cow, if I have to climb those stairs one more time. I am sick of this. Every two hours, it's up the stairs and down to the corner, over to the meter, put the coin, down the stairs...
Woody: At least you're getting exercise, huh, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: I get my exercise, Woody. What, do you think I just hop off the bar stool and bam, there's a bathroom? No. N-no, n-n-no, it's way down the hall, Woody.

Sam: What have you been doing all day?
Rebecca: I've been writing this reply to Robin's letter.
Sam: Oh, come. Hey, write that on your own time, will you, for goodness' sake? How are you going to get work done if all you do is think about sex?
Rebecca: I don't know, Sam. How do you do it?
Sam: I'm a boy, it's my job.

Woody: Sam, don't you think you were a little tough on Miss Howe? I mean, she's hardly ever happy. So what if she was late totaling up some dumb old receipts?
Sam: Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe I was a little tough on her.
Woody: Sam, is this all the vermouth we have?
Sam: Yeah, Rebecca was supposed to order some more. She probably forgot.
Woody: Oh, well, now, that's just tops. Hey, Miss Howe, you were supposed to order more vermouth! We pay you for an eight-hour day, we expect eight hours! Sometimes I wonder, Sam, what are they thinking?