Sam: I bet you wanna know how it went in Italy.
Norm: Uh... No, no, not really. How about you, Cliffie?
Sam: Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. Got off the plane and I took a cab to the Marino estate, where I had been told they were gonna get married. But they wouldn't let me in, so I jumped over the fence and landed in the middle of seven snarling rottweilers.
Cliff: Ooh, rottweilers. It comes from the German word "Rott--"
Sam: Uh, Cliff, shut up.
Cliff: Yes, sir.
Sam: Luckily, I outsmarted the dogs by diving into a moat. While the police were fishing me out, I discovered that Diane and Frasier had decided to get married someplace else. This was right before they threw me in jail.
Norm: Jail? How'd you get out?
Sam: Well, a local landowner bailed me out. Actually, he didn't bail me out. There's a different system over there. He purchased me. Seems... Seems his ox died or something. I really don't wanna talk about this anymore. I'm gonna be in my office. Oh, yeah, one more thing. I am through with that woman forever. I will never think about, see or mention her ever again. And if anyone even uses the words "Diane Chambers," I will have no other choice but to kill that person. [exits]
Customer: Wow. Poor guy. Who is this Diane Chambers anyhow?
[Sam emerges from his office with a golf club]
Sam: Who said that?
[After the customer and Norm point to Cliff, Sam chases him into the back room]
Cliff: No! No! No!

Woody: Excuse me, my name's Woody Boyd.
Sam: Woody. Hi, I'm Sam Malone.
Woody: Howdy. I'm a friend of Coach's. Is he around?
Sam: I'm sorry, Woody. I guess you hadn't heard. No, Coach passed away a couple of months ago. But, yeah, I'd like to think he's still around.
Woody: Coach, gone. I can hardly believe it.
Sam: Well, he had a lot of friends. I don't- I don't remember him mentioning a Woody.
Woody: Well, we never met. We were kind of like pen pals.
Sam: You exchanged letters?
Woody: No, pens. It was Coach's idea.
Sam: Oh, well, that figures.

Cliff: So while it's a common belief that the Tyrannosaurus rex was the king of the dinosaurs, you know, as a-- As indicated by the appellative "-saurus," the smartest of the spiny reptiles was actually the thyropatroid.

Sam: Gee, Fras, that's tough. She just took off, huh? No explanation or anything?
Frasier: Well, there was no explanation necessary. It was you she loved all along. And it was the thought of you that made me lose her. The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it. Everyone knew about my shame.
Sam: No, you must have been imagining that.
Frasier: Oh, was l? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a "Frasier"?
Sam: That could be a coincidence.
Frasier: If he's knocked cold, it's called a "Frasier Crane."

Frasier: But now listen, Sam, you won't go and see her will you?
Sam: No!
Frasier: I mean, it would be disaster for everyone.
Sam: No, no. Believe me, I wouldn't do that. No, I'm over her. You know, and if you know what's good for you, I think you should forget about her too.
Frasier: Oh, I'll forget about her. I'll forget about her when the moon turns to ashes and the birds sing nevermore.
Sam: There you go.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry about the histrionics, Sam.

Cliff: See, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Diane now had a "Malone" after her name.
Norm: Well, could be, Cliffie. That Italy's an awfully darn romantic place. I almost went there myself on my honeymoon. Had the plane reservations and the hotel reservations. Everything.
Alan: Well, what stopped you, Norm?
Norm: Oh, Vera. You know, she insisted on coming.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

Frasier: I've lost everything, Malone. My tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined, and it's all your fault. Now, don't you think someone should pay for that? [removes a gun]
Sam: If by "someone," you mean someone in this room, I can I can honestly answer no, I don't. Oh, come on. Oh, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.
Frasier: Certainly it's loaded.
Sam: No, it isn't.
Frasier: Oh. Of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person. He never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry. He was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he's not a threat now. Is that it, Sam?
Sam: No, it's just the little holes there are empty.
Frasier: Once again, you're ahead of me, Sam. I just hoped to see you quaking in your boots a little bit or something, but you've cheated me even of that.

Diane: Oh, Sam, I was so sorry to hear about the Coach.
Sam: Yeah, I know, I know.
Diane: Not a day goes by when I don't miss him terribly.
Sam: Me too. You know what helps me, though, is I always remember what he used to say about the afterlife, "l hope there are not a lot of stairs."
Diane: It's wise in its way.
Sam: Yeah.

Frasier: Hello, Sam, old buddy.
Sam: Frasier. What the hell are you doing here? Are you alone?
Frasier: Yes, I'm alone. I didn't marry Diane.
Sam: You didn't?
Frasier: No, I didn't. Does that make you happy?
Sam: Well, I'm happy for you. Just how'd you manage that?
Frasier: Well, she left me at the altar. I had just vowed to take her for my wife. The priest asked her if she would marry me. She looked around and asked if he was talking to her. He nodded, and she was gone.