Sam: Come on, man, she's just doing it to make you jealous.
Frasier: Oh, God, I'm losing her, Sam.
Sam: Oh, would you stop that? You're my friend. I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
Frasier: What about Diane?
Sam: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?
Frasier: Well, yes, but gee whiz, Sam...

Carla: Champagne, huh?
Lilith: Well, wild romance is a fictive term with no correlation to any actual physiological behavior. We, nevertheless, like to humor convention by going through with these preposterous rituals.
Carla: Champagne, huh?

Frasier: So we're agreed then, right? Just plain simple gold wedding bands.
Lilith: With an exquisite marquise diamond on mine so we can tell them apart.
Frasier: You give me such glee. Here we are. Sit here, my betrothed. I'll go get us something to drink, and, oh, uh, exchange a few lies with my buds.
Lilith: I understand. Your daily dose of male bonding.
Frasier: Well, not for much longer. You know what's are breaking up that old gang of mine.
Lilith: As a guess, I'd say hypertension and cirrhosis.
Frasier: [laughs] You're irrepressible.

Lilith: I cannot believe my ears. This is your idea of romance?
Frasier: Lilith, man does not live by romance alone. He also needs hardheaded practicality.
Lilith: If your head was any harder, it would etch glass.
Frasier: Where are you going?
Lilith: I have no intention of spending the rest of the evening, let alone the rest of my life, with a compulsive, anal retentive, chowderhead.
Frasier: Now, Lilith, let's just both stop right now before we say something to spoil the mood.
Lilith: Why don't you go make love to your accountant.
Norm: You know, if more people followed that advice, this world would be such a happier place.

Sam: Excuse me. Listen, I'm going to save you the embarrassment of asking and then being turned down. I'm not going to be doing your auction. So just forget it. No way. Not me.
Rebecca: Fine. [to Woody] We need to create a stage. I think right there as you walk in the door-
Sam: Hey, what's "fine" supposed to mean?
Rebecca: Well, it means I hadn't planned to ask you in the first place.
Sam: Oh, well, good, good. 'Cause I really don't care for that stuff.
Rebecca: All right. [to Woody] We need a podium. Because the emcee is going to be standing at the podium, and all the women will be standing around-
Sam: Excuse me, one more time here. Why why hadn't you planned on asking me?
Rebecca: Well, I guess I just don't find you as irresistible as some do. You, for instance.

Emcee: Now we have a little bonus for you ladies. Please welcome our next eligible bachelor, Mr. Woody Boyd! [cheering]
Woody: Good evening, ladies. I happen to be a very good chef, and your evening with me will be a wonderful home-cooked country meal with all the fixins from my native land, Indiana. And let me just mention my special ingredient, pork.

Cliff: Boy, oh boy, you can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times, but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.
Carla: In a plain brown wrapper?

Frasier: Ah, women. They can talk all they like about romance, but what it really comes down to is just pure animal lust.
Lilith: [across the room] Is that supposed to refer to me?
Frasier: If the shoe fits.
Sam: Things a little strained between you two?
Frasier: Oh, why should you ask that, Sam? Just because she's a pigheaded witch?!
Woody: So you two kids set a date yet?

Carla: Woody, here's your dinner.
Woody: Oh, thanks, Carla.
Carla: Oh, boy, I'm going to be glad when I drop this double load. My veins are killing me.
Norm: Your veins, huh?
Carla: Yeah, varicose veins. I had them stripped twice already.
Woody: How do they do that?
Carla: Surgically. They cut a hole in your leg, and they pull the vein out.
Woody: No kidding? [eats spaghetti]
Carla: Yeah, it's like pulling a long, slimy worm out of you flesh.
Woody: Gee, imagine that. [continues eating]
Frasier: Can you believe maintaining that postcoital tristesse is gender oriented.
Woody: Do you mind, Dr. Crane? I'm trying to eat.

Rebecca: But if you want to participate, you're perfectly welcome...
Sam: No, hey, forget it. I'm sorry.
Rebecca: Well, it doesn't matter to me either way. I'm only doing this for charity.
Norm: You know, Vera has that carved on our headboard.