Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Pudd'n Head Boyd’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Pudd'n Head Boyd

609. Pudd'n Head Boyd

Aired November 26, 1987

Woody gets the attention of a new admirer when he's the understudy for the role of Mark Twain in a local play.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Folks, I have a bit of bad news that may affect a lot of you. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to come right out and say it. Last call. [patrons groan]
Norm: Well, what the heck, maybe I'll give Vera a thrill and go home a little early tonight. Although, you know, she did look kind of thrilled when I left.

Rate

Quote from Lilith

Sam: You guys look like you had a good time.
Frasier: We had oodles of fun. And we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.
Cliff: Wait, you lost weight on a cruise? I heard there were wall-to-wall meals.
Lilith: There were also wall-to-wall waves.
Frasier: Yes. Well, fortunately, after three days of giving Chef Hugo's fine cuisine back to the sea, we were fitted with these little, uh, ear patches. They seemed to do the trick.
Lilith: And put us to sleep for the rest of the trip.
Carla: So you guys spent seven days and nights snoozing and barfing your way through the Caribbean?
Lilith: And we've never felt slimmer and more refreshed.

Quote from Woody

Sam: But how'd the audition go?
Woody: Great. Said my lines faster than anyone else.
Norm: Yeah, Woodman, when did you get bit by the old acting bug?
Woody: Oh, back in high school in Hanover. I was in the chorus of the senior class production of Hello, Donald.
Norm: Isn't that isn't that Hello, Dolly?
Woody: Oh, no, no. They had to change the name. Donald Wexler was the only guy who could sing the part.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Woody, would you run upstairs and get some change? Ones and fives. New bills if they've got them.
Woody: [as Twain] "Uh, let us not be too particular. It is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all."
Rebecca: Do you think you could manage it without any quotes?
Woody: "l could do it as easy as falling off a log."
Rebecca: Woody, just do it!
Woody: "When angry, count four. When very angry, swear."
Rebecca: Damn it!
Woody: There you go.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Listen, I- I know how lonely you've been since Lloyd passed away.
Mary: Oh, how lonely I was. [chuckles] I'm not anymore.
Woody: You know, [as Twain] loneliness is highly underrated. It's one of the few things left that you can still do alone.
Mary: Did Mark Twain say that?
Woody: Well, no, but I'm kind of running out of his material.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Gather 'round, everybody. I'm going to do Authors in Hell. I mean, if that's all right with you, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Well, I was planning to wait for the movie, but go ahead.
Woody: Imagine if you will a huge book opens up, and l - Mark Twain - step out. I am surrounded by various tormented American writers. And Satan. The lights dim. [as Twain] Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted. Persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished. Persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. [a patron coughs as Woody smokes a cigar]
Rebecca: Woody, go on.
Woody: Well, I just sit here and smoke. I don't talk again till the middle of act four.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Frasier, I'm double-parked outside. Finish your drink and let's go.
Frasier: Oh, in a minute; I just touched my glass.
Lilith: Don't balk, jelly bear.
Frasier: I'm not balking, moon pie. I'm simply trying to finish my drink. You'd understand if you had as trying a day as I've had.
Lilith: The kind of day you've had? Lord, if I hear one more yuppie snivel about his inability to love, I'll smack him.
Frasier: Boo, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. I saw nine clients today with no lunch.
Lilith: I saw ten. Fifteen if you count multiple personalities.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Uh, Carla, it's me, Woody.
Carla: Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks. Now, when are you going to stop this nonsense?
Woody: Carla, as an understudy, I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moment's notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours. But I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Carla: Why, 'cause I'm not in the theater?
Woody: No, because you don't wear makeup.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. Man, this is crazy. You- You know, you've been out with Mary every night this week. You can't spend your life dressed up like Mark Twain.
Woody: Why not? He did.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: You got to nip this in the bud.
Cliff: Yeah, I agree there, Woody. A young, such as yourself, to be spending so much time with an older woman is eh, it's just unnatural.
Norm: Yeah, well, how about you, Cliff? You spend lots of time with your mother, and she's old.
Cliff: My ma's not old, and she's never gonna die before I do, so just shut up, okay?!

Quote from Carla

Woody: [as Mark Twain] Hello, good-mannered and agreeable children. Hey, everybody, look who's here.
Carla: It's that famous actor Robert De Zero.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: All aboard the S.S. Delmonico. Embarking at 0900 hours for Nassau, St. Thomas, Martinique, and other exotic ports of call. [mimics boat horn]
Sam: So you took my advice, huh?
Lilith: Yes. As of close of business today, it's just us. A couple of fun-loving swabbies lost at sea. [Frasier chuckles] We'll be todo incomunicado. No business, no clients, no phone call... [pager beeps]
Frasier: Lilith, we promised no beepers.
Lilith: I won't give it up without a fight. You'll have to perform a strip search.
Frasier: The vacation has begun. Now hear this. Hear this, Sternin. Prepare to be boarded.

Quote from Carla

Mary: Um, pardon me, ma'am, uh, but that adorable bartender over there.
Carla: Woody?
Mary: Uh, yes. Is he keeping company with anyone in particular?
Carla: Not that I know of.
Mary: Well, I think he's very special.
Carla: Well, I guess that's the nicest way of putting it.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: [in Carribean accent] Hello, mon.
Sam: I'm sorry, uh, Limbo Night's Tuesday, man.
Frasier: Hey, mon, you stop bad mouth styling, or I'm gonna have to bop you on the head with a banana boat, mon. [Cliff laughs]
Lilith: Frasier, please cut the calypso. Isn't it enough the cabdriver already took a swing at you?

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Well, what say we go get some lunch there, my little marine melon?
Lilith: Anything you want. Just promise me you won't refer to the waitress as "Sista."
Frasier: [laughs] [sings] Day-o Day-ay-ay-o Daylight come, and me wanna home.
Lilith: You're not the only one.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, hey, Woods. Mary just came in. Maybe you should get her a glass or something.
Woody: She doesn't drink in the afternoon.
Carla: No, I mean to put her teeth in.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Listen, you got to end this. Right now, go on.
Woody: I don't know how. You know, I- I can't stand the thought of hurting somebody's feelings.
Sam: I know.
Woody: Carla, you've been dumped a million times. What's the best way to do it?
Carla: You know, the only reason I'm not cleaning your clock is because you remind me of Jed Clampett.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Well, um Mary, you see... Uh... I mean, you know, uh, how... I don't suppose there's any chance you understand what I'm talking about yet.
Mary: Actually, I do. Let me explain something to you, Woody. I'm a very lonely woman since I lost my husband. My family lives out of state. I never see my grandchildren, and most of my friends have moved or passed away. Seems my days are so hard to fill. I swear, there are mornings when it didn't seem worthwhile getting out of bed. A- And then I met you-
Woody: Stop. Stop. Will you marry me?
Mary: Heavens, no. I'm three times your age.
Woody: You know that I'm young?
Mary: Well, Woody, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Woody: Well, why didn't you ever tell me this?
Mary: Well, I enjoyed your company so. And besides, every time I wanted to, you started quoting "The Jumping Frog of Calaveras County". Now, I hope you're not upset with me.
Woody: Oh, are you kidding? I'm just glad I didn't have to dump you.
Mary: [laughs] And besides, you had such fun playing the part, and you were quite excellent.
Woody: You sure you don't want to marry me?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Whoo! Sorry I'm late. Boy, you will not believe what happened to me. I made a right-hand turn onto Boyleston and ran right into this stupid parade. Then my car backfired, and scared the tar out of these two cute little poodles in tutus who were dancing by.
Rebecca: Dancing poodles.
Sam: Yeah. Anyway, the dogs spooked and ran away, and this cute little girl in blue sequins ran after them right in front of this little car full of clowns that swerved to miss her, and the car ran right in front of this elephant, the elephant reared up, threw this swami guy off that was riding on his tusk.
Rebecca: Sam, this is the lamest excuse you have ever given me. Why don't you just say, "l'm sorry, Rebecca, I overslept. It won't happen again"?
Sam: It really makes me-
[A young woman enters wearing a skimpy costume of blue sequins followed by two poodles]
Sam: I'm sorry, Rebecca, I just overslept. It won't happen again.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Come on, please. You're a little tense; you got to relax, take a few days off. You know, maybe a vacation, or something?
Frasier: Vacation? Ha! You make it sound so easy, Sam. As if one could just pick up just like that. We are professionals, with commitments and obligations. Our patients depend upon us.
Lilith: I'll clear my schedule if you will.
Frasier: Nassau or St. Thomas?
Lilith: Let's go talk to the travel agent.
Sam: There you go. Have a good time.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode