Sam: Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favourite movie is Lady And The Tramp. And you always cry when they come to the part where they eat the spaghetti.
Carla: I didn't think anybody knew that.
Sam: I'll tell you something else about you that you didn't think I knew.
Carla: What?
Sam: You go to Mass every Sunday.
Carla: Who squealed on me?
Sam: Ah, ah, I was just guessing. But that goes to show just how well I do know you.

Diane: Hey, Coach, you know how Sam is always complaining that I'm not spontaneous?
Coach: Yeah, he always goes something like, "Diane, can't you be more spontaneous?" [gestures with hands]
Diane: At any rate, it really irritates me.
Coach: Irritates me, too. Especially when he goes like that. [gestures with hands]
Diane: Coach, Sam doesn't do that. You do that.
Coach: That doesn't make it any less irritating.

Sam: Something's really bothering Carla, huh?
Diane: The man knows women, huh?
Sam: Listen. Maybe one of us should go in there and talk to her, huh?
Norm: Oof.
Cliff: All right, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Coach: Now, stop showing off, will you, Cliffy? We got a real problem here.

Diane: I think that Carla very likely has the kind of problem with which only another woman can help. Carla, this is Diane. There really is such a thing as sisterhood.
Carla: [o.s.] Come on in.
Diane: We women stand together. I think even leaders of nations could learn a great deal by observing the women of America- [Carla grabs Diane by the mouth and drags her into Sam's office]

Carla: Look, Nick. I'm going to make your day. You're right. I am not coming to your wedding.
Nick Tortelli: No! I'm aghast!
Carla: You knew it the whole time.
Nick Tortelli: Sure I knew. You didn't want to be humiliated with all the people whispering at the ceremony. "Boy, look how much better Nick did this time."
Sam: Carla, honey, are you sure you won't change your mind? Uh, I think we'll have a lot of fun at this wedding.
Carla: Uh, what about the weekend in the country?
Diane: Well, you two can go away after the ceremony. This wedding is special.
Sam: What do you say, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Wait, wait, wait. You and Sam, you're a couple?
Sam: Yeah, she put up quite a fight but I finally got her.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, I thought you was cool.
Loretta: That's us, honey. I guess the cabbie's tired of waiting.
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, I don't want to make him angry. We'll see you two at the wedding.
Sam: We'll be there.
Nick Tortelli: This is eerie.

Carla: Thank you, Sam. Thank you. You sure this is OK with you, Diane?
Diane: Certainly. It really stirred my ire just watching that bait bucket.
Carla: I know. He still has it, doesn't he?

Diane: Coach, I'm going home to pack. When Sam gets back, will you tell him something?
Coach: Sure, honey. Goodnight.
Diane: Coach, I didn't tell you what to tell him.
Coach: Oh, I'll think of something.
Diane: Tell him I'll be back as soon as I'm packed and we'll leave on our trip.
Norm: We'll tell him.

Norm: Cliff, come on, you've had a lot to drink. What do you say I drive you home? Come on.
Cliff: Ah, Normie, that's great of you. You're a real friend, you know that? You're just a pal when you need one. If I ever have kids, I'm going to name them after you. Even if they're girls.
Norm: Please, I'm just gonna give you a ride home.
Cliff: Yeah, but I'm going to throw up in your car.

Loretta: Nick, we're gonna miss the bus.
Nick Tortelli: Keep your pants on. This will only take five minutes. We've got forever together. You know, the way yous twos were carrying on at my wedding, all lovey-dovey and all that... I want to know, how long has this been going on between you two?
Carla: What's it to you?
Nick Tortelli: Answer the question. You been seeing him while we were married?
Carla: No. I was always faithful to you. Were you seeing Loretta when we were married?
Nick Tortelli: What am l, on trial here? The important thing is, if you were seeing him when we were married, our marriage was a lie.
Sam: You know, Nick, she's taken enough abuse from you. If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna take you outside and teach you some manners.
Carla: [gasps] This'll be great. Nick's a bleeder.

Nick Tortelli: I want you back.
Carla: Nick, you just got married. Your bride is standing over there.
Nick Tortelli: Easy come, easy go. I'll lose her in the bus station. That's where I found her. [blows a kiss to Loretta]
Carla: Are you nuts? You've still got wedding cake in the corners of your mouth.
Nick Tortelli: I don't know what it is. But every time I looked at you today, I said to myself, "Carla's not so bad." Maybe I was making a mistake. I don't know what it is. What do you say, Carla?
Carla: I know what it is. You saw me with Sam today. And you saw that somebody else wanted me so you wanted me back. Well, forget it. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
Nick Tortelli: Sure. I'll forget it, if you can forget this. [kisses Carla]
Sam: So how's married life treating you, huh?
Loretta: Oh, I don't feel so different.
Nick Tortelli: So? What do you say, Carla?
Carla: Nothing, Nick. The magic is gone. I got myself a better guy.
Nick Tortelli: Well, I took a shot. Loretta, you're up! [to Carla] By the way, I don't appreciate you coming to the wedding in the dress you married me in. Boy, am I primed for this honeymoon.