Rebecca: It took a team of four men 12 hours, but I think I'm worth it. What do you think?
Sam: About what?
Rebecca: About me! About the new way I look.
Sam: Hey, honey, we're a little busy right now. Do you mind? I mean, we just found out that we insulted a mob boss and he's threatened to kill us. We could be in a little bit of trouble right now.
Rebecca: But I'm blonde. See?
Carla: You don't get it, do you, Rebecca? This isn't a game. We could all get killed.
Rebecca: Yeah, but look. Even my roots are blonde.
Norm: Rebecca, would you just shut up for a second, please?
Rebecca: All right, fine. I'll just go show people who are less self-absorbed. [opens door] Hey, everybody, look at me! Look at me!

Woody: So Miss Howe's gonna be in Redbook. Well, what is that? Some kind of fashion magazine?
Cliff: Oh, no, no. It's, uh, more than a fashion magazine, Woody. It, it's about today's women. You know, who they are, uh, their wants, their needs.
Norm: Cliffie, you read Redbook?
Cliff: I don't so much as read it, Norm. l, uh, I do take some of the quizzes, though. Would you believe that I'm actually autumn complected?

Frasier: I assume you've just come from the new Olde Towne Tavern.
Cliff: Yeah, we went for an often used stunt, but one that's sure to bring a smile. [laughs]
Norm: We teepeed the whole front of the place.
Frasier: And how will they know that you're the dastardly ones that did the deed?
Lilith: Good question. Could have been the Mensa chapter from M.l.T.
Carla: Ah, we soaped their windows "Regards from your friends at Cheers."
Norm: Yeah, and I threw a few packs of "Cheers" matches with our address in there.
Cliff: Yeah, I stuck my head in the door and yelled, "Cheers rules!"
Sam: Yeah, if they can't figure that out, they're the stupidest bar in town.
Frasier: Ooh, I wouldn't go that far, Sam.

Norm: So all we got to do now is, uh, sit back and see what these guys are made out of.
Sam: Yeah, I can't wait to see what weenie retaliation Frank comes up with, huh?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, it'll be the standard novice stuff. You know, rubber rat behind the bar or something.
Carla: Yeah, stealing the sign out front.
Woody: Having 20 pizzas delivered.
Sam: Oh!
Cliff: Yeah, whatever it is, there won't be any imagination connected to it. These guys are rookies. They'll just come up with something pathetic.
[An explosion outside knocks the front door clean off]
Woody: Well, we better get this cleaned up before the pizza arrives.

Cliff: The only thing we can do is go over and apologize to Frank "The Angel of Death" Carpaccio.
Norm: Nah, Cliffie, that's not gonna do it. We have to go over there and beg like dogs.
Cliff: Okay.
Sam: Oh, no, wait a second, wait a second.
Norm: What?
Sam: I just had a thought here.
Norm: What?
Sam: Who would like to see us beg more than anyone else in the whole world?
Norm: Sammy, you don't suppose Vera's behind this whole thing, do you?

Frank Carpaccio: Say, you're the, uh, barmaid over there, aren't you, at Cheers?
Carla: Yeah, I am.
Frank Carpaccio: Hey, you know, we need a new one over here. We had one, but, uh, she was a big blabbermouth. [laughs]
Carla: Sorry, I got a job.
Sam: Actually, you know, we were thinking, this being a new business and all, we thought, you know, maybe you could use a few extra customers. So, just to show you we're not, uh, having any hard feelings here, we thought we'd fill the place up for you.
Carla: You know who's really a thirsty bunch, Sam? Firemen.
Sam: Oh, that's a good idea, firemen. Now, how can we get firemen in here in a hurry?
Carla: You just leave it to me.
[After Carla smashes the fire alarm, the guys from Cheers pull out umbrellas and cover themselves]
Sam: How's that, Gary, wet enough for you?
All: Singing in the rain...
Frank Carpaccio: Hey, what the hell is this?! You people don't know who you're fooling around with! You're dead! You're dead, do you hear me? Your family, dead! Your friends, dead! Your pet, dead! Dead, dead, dead!

Frasier: Well, I understand congratulations are in order. You beat Gary at his own game. Gee, I wish I could have been there with you when you did it.
Carla: Well, maybe you could have if you hadn't run out of here with your tail between your legs.
Frasier: Well, Carla, in my profession we encourage people to go with their feelings, and at that time my feelings were stark, gibbering terror and borderline incontinence.

Agent Carmichael: Listen, people, we've got to act quickly here. We're moving in on Carpaccio sometime during the week. In the meantime, we'll have to relocate all of you until he's safely behind bars.
Inspector Hanson: We have to get moving right away. There's a bus outside.
Carla: What about my kids?
Agent Carmichael: Well, we'll assign an agent to take care of them.
Carla: Will he have a gun?
Agent Carmichael: Oh, yes, he will.
Carla: Then he's got a fighting chance.

Cliff: Oh, it's the film critic at Channel 11.
Norm: No, it's the anchorman at Channel Eight.
Cliff: You want to, uh autograph?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. [clears his throat]
Cliff: Uh, excuse me.
Norm: Hey, uh...
John Kerry: Hi, guys. How are you?
Cliff: Hey, uh, we're really big fans of yours.
Norm: Yeah.
John Kerry: Oh, well.
Cliff: Can we get your autograph?
John Kerry: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh, here, let me get something to write on.
Norm: Need a pen?
John Kerry: Yeah.
Norm: A full-service autograph. What a guy!
Cliff: Oh, yeah. You know, I love that, uh, that report you did on that train wreck. You know, they ought to get you for 60 Minutes as an anchor.
John Kerry: No, I...
Norm: Pulitzer Prize.
John Kerry: I'm John Kerry, Senator Kerry. From Massachusetts.
Norm: Oh, our Senator! I'm sorry, man. I'm- l'm so sorry.
Cliff: Sir.
Norm: We didn't mean to bother you.
Cliff: Sorry to bother you. Hey, wait, Norm, maybe he knows Senator Gopher from The Love Boat.
Norm: Hey, yo! Hey! Hey!

Frasier: Rebecca, I can't possibly think why you would need a makeover. You're always impeccably dressed. You're constantly alluring without being overstated. [Lilith enters the bar]
Rebecca: Well, thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: Your eye makeup gives you a certain feline quality. It's irresistible.
Rebecca: Mm.
Frasier: And I can't see how anyone could possibly improve on the way your hair cascades down your face in that peekaboo fashion. [Lilith sits down next to Frasier] Much like my own darling Lilith. Speak of the devil! Not that you're a devil, of course. Just, uh, the total opposite. In fact, you're the complete opposite of the devil. You're i.e., an angel.
Lilith: There's no need to be nervous, Frasier. It's perfectly natural for you to be attracted to other women. It shows you have a, a healthy sex drive. I'm attracted to other men.
Frasier: Oh, no, not this game again.
Lilith: Let's see, where shall I begin? [a man walks by] Yowsa!