Norm: What the hell?
Sam: Guys, we're talking about my hair here.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. So?
Sam: Without my hair, I'd be just... Just one of you guys.
Norm: Pardon me, Sammy, if that fails to bring a tear to my eye!
Sam: Fellas, I tried to do it, but I swear to God, man, I love my hair.

Carla: Look, I just can't help it, Sam. It's this waiting. It's making me crazy. Hey, you know Gary. He always retaliates and with great cruelty and force and always within 24 hours. Boy, I really do respect that guy.

Rebecca: Damn it. These decorations are all wrong. This is St. Patrick's Day, the busiest night of the year, and our name is misspelled on every single item. "Faith and begorrah from your friends at Chees."
Carla: Rebecca, the decorations are the least of our problems.
Norm: I agree.
Rebecca: You're right, Norm. I think unpaid bar tabs come a lot higher on our priority list.
Norm: Damn it! Would you look how they misspelled Cheers! Can you believe it?

Carla: Apologize. A lot of good that would do. Gary just gets meaner when he smells weakness. I got to respect the guy.

Cliff: Hey, Woody, open that door there and see if Gary's done anything to the outside of the bar, will ya?
Woody: Snow. Gary made it snow.
Carla: Gary can't make it snow, grain brain.
Woody: Oh, it's a good thing, 'cause we'd never be able to top that.

Frasier: Sam, uh, more change, please.
Sam: Boy, Lilith's really burning up the phone there. What's the matter?
Frasier: Oh, you don't want to hear about our troubles. Well, then again, since I've suffered through so many of yours... We're having a devil of a time finding a baby-sitter for little Frederick. Jeez, what we wouldn't give to get away together.
Carla: Oh, me, too. I live for that.
Frasier: Really? You could use a vacation?
Carla: No. I want you guys to go away.

Rebecca: Well, this year, things are going to be different. Now, after that potato incident, I went over there and I had a little I chat with Gary. I said we gotta cool it 'cause this stuff is ruining our business, and he agreed. So we drew up this little document to that effect. "We, the managers of Cheers and Gary's Olde Towne Tavern, do solemnly swear to cut it out."
Frasier: That ought to hold up in court.
Rebecca: I have to do something about these decorations.
Sam: You mean to replace them?
Rebecca: No, there's no time for that. I have to go to the deli and buy some cheese. People will be expecting it.

Sam: Fill up your beer for you there, Norm?
Norm: No, thanks. I'm not quite finished with this one. [everyone stares at Norm] I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm full!
Sam: Aw, man, that's it. What's going on around here today? Everybody's acting weird. It's time to give old Tecumseh a belly rub.
Norm: There you go.
Pete: Who's Tecumseh?
Carla: The old wooden Indian by the door.
Pete: Isn't that Phil?
Sam: Where... Where is he? Did you guys move him? Well... spread out. We got to find him here, guys. This is very weird.
Norm: I could swear I saw him here yesterday and the day before, and the day before that. No, no, no. That was me.

Alan: Sammy, he's not here.
Sam: Who in his right mind would want to walk off with Tecumseh?
All: Gary.
Sam: Oh, man. Boy, you know, fun is fun, and I like being humiliated as much as the next guy, but... Yeah, but this, taking Tecumseh, that... That crosses the line.
Norm: Sammy's right! I tell you, he can take Cliffie, he can strip him naked, he can paint him green, tie him up like a shamrock, drag him through the streets of Boston, but this is going too far.
Cliff: This time... It's personal.

Carla: Yo, caballeros. Did you head them off at the pass?
Sam: Oh, yeah. Yeah. We just shut down Gary's Olde Towne Tavern on one of the busiest bar nights of the year. [all cheer]
Cliff: Yep.
Sam: Yeah, we got padlocks on all the doors, front and back. We got toxic spill warning signs. We have police tapes blocking off all the entrances. People are gonna be afraid to drive down the streets. [cheering]
Cliff: And to top it all off, my friend Normie sent 38 pizzas over to Gary's house.
Norm: Actually, I sent them over to my house. So if anyone wants to come over, come on, we gotta get to them before Vera, otherwise we got nothing left but the crust.