Gob: [on the phone] Dad made him give me a job.
Lucille: I see, so he thought it was a good idea to have you two together. Isn't that nice? My God, is there anyone there with half a brain that can help me with this?
Gob: I don't know about half a brain, but Tobias is living with me right now and he's not very bright. Although he is working in the rehab where Lucille 2 is.
Lucille: He is?
Narrator: And that's when Lucille came up with a plan to get transferred away from the Jade Dragon Triad.
Lucille: Hire a crew and start the wall. And not a word to your brother. I'm getting a transfer. It's time for Mama to put on the old drunk act.

Tobias: Well, at least we have a dialog going.
Lucille: Dialog? If you don't release me, you've heard the last I'm going to say to you in these sessions.
Tobias: Fine, but you will have to sit with me for the full session. Every single session. Now, Lucille, I can't make you talk. But you know what I can do? Hmm? Okay, I can't trick you into talking, either.

Narrator: This went on for several sessions.
Tobias: Perhaps that's why they call this place Au-stare-ity. No? Au-stare-ity... fine. Well, if you're not going to talk, I'm just going to write this up.

Narrator: But, of course, he would make her audition. So Lucille wrote a song from the heart.
Lucille: [sings] My children despise me My husband defies me It doesn't surprise me The hell with them all I'll put up a wall You think I'm a villain A villain I'll be My heart is in pain I just want to flee From me
Tobias: Wonderful.
Argyle Austero: Terrifying.
Tobias: Isn't she? Betty, you can leave. Lucille, would you please stay?

Lucille: [answers phone] Hello.
Oscar: I want to be with you. I have needs.
Lucille: George, is that you?
Narrator: But a newly virile Oscar figured, in a pinch, any Lucille would do.
Oscar: Yes, this is George. Where are you?
Lucille: I'm in rehab, you know that.
Oscar: Why don't I swing by, and we can conjugate?
Lucille: Let's do our business over the phone.
Oscar: May not have a lot of time, but, uh, all right, here goes. I want to pull your panties off with my...
Lucille: Real business, George.
Oscar: I'd very much like to pull your underwear off with my teeth...

Lucille: So you're here to make amends? Because you know your mother will always take you back.
Michael: And because I know my mother wants me to sign away any connection to the family business.
Lucille: I just need a signature.
Michael: I'm happy to help. If you do something for me.
Lucille: For me. Yeah, I heard that's been happening. I'm happy to help you, honey.
Michael: Me, too.
Narrator: And that's how Michael got his mother's rights to the movie. But not right away.

Narrator: And while Michael was waylaid, Lucille was working on her tap dancing.
Tobias: [sings] You look down on Thing But that is 'cause you haven't heard me Sing!
Lucille: Excuse- Excuse me.
Tobias: When I was a little bitty boy-
Narrator: Correction.
Lucille: Her tap dancing, she missed a step. Tell her she missed a step. She can't do it like that.
Narrator: ...on people's feelings.

Debrie: Sorry. I think I might I hurt my leg. And so, I need some Tylenol with codeine? Or maybe a little morphie morph?
Tobias: No. DeBrie, come on. Don't you want to get back on that horse?
Debrie: Even better!

Narrator: And that's when she came face to face with the man whose face she'd just faced-
Oscar: Are you ready?
Narrator: But it was a different-
Lucille: Hello, Oscar.
Narrator: It was Oscar.
Lucille: You should get an Oscar for your portrayal of George in Screw the Oblivious Sister-in-law.
Oscar: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You got me. I was gonna tell you. I was acting when I pretended to be George, but I am dead serious when I say you are the hottest woman I know. I'm here tonight because I want to run away with you.
Lucille: Oscar. Really?
Oscar: Of course. What, do you think I'm here for the donkey punch? Which I do love, and it's the only night you can get it. But you are the only woman for me, Lucille!
Lucille: Bring me those thin, pot-stained lips.

Narrator: And that's the night that Lucille decided she didn't want to be invisible anymore.
Tobias: I've got to do this...
Narrator: And perhaps, ironically, it was also the night that Lucille 2 became the Invisible Girl. [explosion]