Glenn: You're smokin'.
Sally: I guess my body just responds to the classics.
Glenn: They're having a dance contest here next week. We'd be unbeatable.
Sally: Especially if we target our key competition and sever their Achilles tendons. [Glenn laughs] What?
Glenn: You're just so great. You're a warrior in a world full of phonies. You're not afraid to be who you are. You're in the military, and you wear a dress.
Sally: I just want to be all that I can be.
Glenn: You're the strongest person I've ever met.
Sally: I know.

Dr. Menard: Tommy, we're thrilled to have you here. Dr. Solomon, as a parent and educator, kudos to you. You've raised a very special boy.
Dick: Yes, I have.
Dr. Menard: And you've had the foresight to bring him to the right place.
Dick: Well, I am the High Commander.
Dr. Menard: Yes. Well, people of brilliance can't be expected to function in a society that's run by intellectual midgets.
Dick: That's what we always say. [both chortle]
Dr. Menard: Yes, yes, you and Tommy have found a home here at the Pickney. It's not just for exceptional students. It's for exceptional parents.
Dick: Well, then you must be delighted to meet me.

Dick: Tommy. Lookin' good.
Tommy: Dick, feelin' stupid.
Harry: Oh, Dick! You've got money in your shoes. Ooh! You've got money in your shoes. I want money shoes.
Dick: Harry, no, money shoes are for Pickney students and Pickney parents only.
Harry: Oh, rats. [makes a wand appear]
Dick: Tommy, look at this. First in your class. You're a genius. You've made me so proud, son. Is there anything you need? Money? A ride somewhere? Cuff links? Can I build you a darkroom? Anything you want, name it, it's yours.
Tommy: I want to go back to my old school.
Dick: Cuff links it is.

Nina: Don't put bumper stickers on my car.
Dick: Well, why do you think it was me?
Nina: "I am the proud secretary for the father of the smartest kid at Pickney."
Dick: It may have been me.
[Nina pastes the bumper sticker on Dick's forehead]

Glenn: I've got to go. I'm getting my chest waxed. Uh hey, you want to come? I've got a coupon.
Sally: No, I prefer to tweeze.
Glenn: Ouch. You know, I'm not usually attracted to your type, but you are something special.
Sally: Well, what you see is what you get.

Dick: Famous ontologists in Greek. [speaks Greek]
Tommy: [speaks Greek]... Bryant Gumbel.
Dick: In the form of a question.
Tommy: [speaks Greek]... Bryant Gumbel?

Harry: Well, as Harry Houdini once said, pick a card, any card.
Tommy: It's my mission to be a teenager, but right now I hate my father, I hate my school, and my life seems hopeless. Some teenager I am.
Harry: Cut the deck.
Tommy: If I'm going to do my job, I've got to be in a real school, one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders.
Harry: Fold the edges of your card ever so slightly.
Tommy: I mean, why am I even putting myself through all this? So Dick can feel proud?
Harry: Pick another card, add the value, multiply it by four.
Tommy: So, I mean, this whole thing's crazy. I'm not Dick's son. I'm the information officer. I've got to bring this mission back on course.
Harry: Write the number on your arm so that I cannot see it.
Tommy: There's only one thing left to do...
Harry: Shuffle.
Tommy: Sabotage. [flicks the cards off the roof]
Harry: All right. We're okay as long as none of those are clubs. Pick a card. [Tommy throws the cards off the roof] Ta-Da!

Dr. Menard: What is the outer envelope, or atmosphere, of gas surrounding the sun called?
Tommy: Ooh, mmm that's a toughie.
Dr. Menard: Dr. Menard: you have 10 seconds.
Dick: [groans] Ha!
Dr. Menard: Five seconds. Three, two, one.
Dick: It's called the corona! You've been there! You know that!
Mary: Dick, come on. He's trying. He's your son.
Dick: Son? He's not my son. I have no son!

Harry: Dick and Tommy were the best of pals. But then, one day, Dick used Tommy to make himself look good. Now, to get back at him, Tommy used Dick to make Dick look very bad. Now, apart they were just two separate handkerchiefs.
Tommy: Oh, shut up, Harry.
Dick: Shut up, Harry.
Harry: But then, magically, they got back together.

Candace: Dr. Solomon, I'm Candace Ballard.
Dick: Hello. What do you want?
Candace: I'm Tommy's guidance counselor.
Tommy: And, by the way, my guidance counselor might stop by tonight.
Dick: Didn't I tell you to become the model student?
Tommy: I did. I've aced every test.
Dick: Then what's she doing here?
Tommy: I don't know. I'm brilliant, not clairvoyant.